So school has been hectic so this won't be a full-on post just a brief update so you all can see that recovery is quite possible.
I made the switch over to exchanges and haven't logged calories in a week now. Honestly it has been the most liberating time ever. This past week has also been terrifying as my doc put the take-away school threat on me if I don't start gaining .5-1 lb per week. Luckily she took it away but it did lead to emergency meeting with nutritionist where she showed me where my meal plan is headed. It's scary but seems doable. Already have been able to increase starch, fat, and veggies.
Just left her appt and though she isn't increasing my meal plan she is adding structured risk. Basically she made me realize I am blessed to not be in inpatient, but mentally I have slipped a lot. A lot of foods that weren't so scary I am again terrified of. A lot of it is because I am having to trust exchanges, but its still not good. I also mentally due to my low weight need more structure to help my mind and body cope. So here is her idea of structured risk.
1. Since I had a pretty much mental breakdown over having to eat a turkey burger and when I did eat it I squeezed it to death to get out all the "grease" (in reality it was probably juice and water) and then fought for over 30 minutes on whether or not to leave some behind (went with not leaving any behind and got it all in), my nutritionist has made it part of my weekly plan. So I now have earned the lovely opportunity to have a turkey burger once a week.
2. Second, because I decided to tell her how much I wish I was in the same place mentally as when I left Renfrew and was doing three desserts a week I have to do desserts now. She is fine if they are "safe" especially since a lot of desserts upset my stomach, but mentally I am so scared because I can no longer justify eating fro yo as okay even though in the spring semester it was my go to Boost equivalent because it was fat free and easy. Now every Wednesday I have to do fro yo as my Boost equivalent. I have to add something (graham cracker, banana, gummies, etc) to increase cals to Boost cals as well.
3. Last, but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST this week she wants me to do a "real" dessert. For me this means one of the cookies or vegan desserts because my tum tum can handle those and I was semi-okay with that until she dropped this bomb on me. At first it was going to be able to count as Boost equivalent as long as I finished it all but NOT COUNT AS A FAT. If I only finished half it could count as a fat. This came from me telling her at Renfrew having 2 cookies, or a cake slice, or whatever was only a fat. No starch, not 2 fats, just 1 fat. We went back and forth on this for awhile with me trying to get a compromise or something. To take it slowly or something. Then I saw this strange look come across her face....like a crazy lightbulb went off and she said...."Let me start again. I have a new idea." This is her new idea: this week I have to do a regular dessert and not count it at all. Not as a fat, not as a Boost exchange, its just an extra "little" something for me to do.
Number one had me anxious, number two had me shaking in my boots, and number three may just cause me to have a mental breakdown. But then I stopped and thought about it. If I manage to do all three goals (which I will because I am an overacheiving people-pleaser) and I don't balloon like my mind is telling me.....then imagine the trust of my body I will gain. Really...just stop and imagine. I will be free to not squeeze my burgers to death, I will be free to have fro yo and not think of sugar, and I will be free to have a little something extra when my body wants. So maybe my nutritionist knows what she is doing :)
All I know is this week is gonna push my trust, but I am going to turn it all prayerfully over to God. He has already allowed me to stop logging which I thought was impossible. He has allowed me the freedom in not pre-planning as much (for example today I didn't pre-plan b-fast or lunch and just not at 4pm planned snacks and dinner for today). He has allowed me to start distancing myself from thinking in terms of calories because I haven't been logging them. Now I choose what I want to eat not what I should eat calorically. He has allowed me to be open with my family again. He has allowed me victory and I declare in His name that this victory shall continue. I want to recover, and with God by my side nothing, not even an unrecorded vegan cupcake can hold me back.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Episode 16: Till Death Do Us Part
So it's been a while since I blogged and boy has a lot happened. The biggest thing is that a week ago (August 12th) my dear grandmother left this life for the next. I managed to fight through the emotions while at school and didn't act on my symptoms, but then it came time to face the reality and travel to the funeral. This happened on Thursday.
In my mind I knew that it would be hard for me to get all of my exchanges in with food that would be available. Most of the food would be from people who were trying to do something nice for the family....people who knew nothing about my food allergies. This is when ED came out as a coping tool for my grief. Instead of packing along snacks, or stopping at the store, or having some kind of plan I brought nothing except a few bagels I knew would go bad.
My ED gets so tricky. It packaged this perfect concoction to restrict inside nice recovery wrapping paper. It said that by not having food I would be forced to be "normal," to eat whatever was provided. Well, exactly what I knew would happen did. Everything people brought either had cheese or was a dessert. Couple this with the inability to go poo and I had no desire to eat whatsoever or to make people go out of their way to get me food.
Luckily, my stepmom and dad got me subs, yogurt, and nuts, but still I barely got any fat or calories. I began to feel weak again and this weakness helped me to feel numb. To forget the grief and sorrow and feel empty. The final night I spent there (Friday) I started journaling. Trying to grasp how I slipped so bad. It was in that moment my grandmother's death brought me new life.
I realized that by not eating my calories I knew I would lose more weight and I am at way to low a weight to do that. I realized that by continuing to act in my disorder I am slowly sending myself to the grave. I thought back on seeing my dad breakdown at the casket as he stared at the body of a woman who once had so much life. You could see his heart break. This happened again with my brother when he saw my grandma in the casket. Sure they made her look beautiful. Her hair was immaculate, her makeup spotless, her eyes closed as if she were just asleep. But as each of us looked at her we realized she wasn't sleeping and she was never waking up. That body would never again be filled with life. That is when our hearts broke. When that agonizing pain took over. And here I was, restricting. Refusing to feed my body. Here I was saying "Pick me. I will be the next in the casket. I will be the cause of the next breaking of my family's heart."
My grandmother had no choice in her death. She fought infections tooth and nail to survive. She never gave up and never lost hope. I have a choice to eat. To choose life. It's not an easy choice and many times it doesn't seem like an option but it is. It is the only way I will survive. And if it is my time to go, then at least I will go out fighting. I just can't be the cause of my families heartbreak.
I had another realization too. I realized all the people my grandmother impacted. The viewing for the funeral didn't start till 10 am and people were lining up at 9:45. She was an 89 year old woman who still packed out the church with people. It was so packed they ran out of programs. In fact, had her Sunday school class not been on retreat they would have run out of chairs too. When I saw the people flooding in I started to think who would attend my funeral. I realized in that moment that ED has kept me from my potential. He has kept me isolated and prevented me from having the energy to make an impact in the world. I don't even think I could fill a supply closet to capacity with the people (outside of family) that I have connected too. That broke my heart.
Then I was looking at her life. At all her accomplishments. These were shown by boards filled with pictures and memories. I again thought to myself: "If I were to die in this moment, what memories would people have to share? What would they say of me?" Honestly my life has been my ED. Spending so much time in treatment centers, doctor's offices, or stuck in the worries and sorrows of my mind has kept me from making memories. What would the preacher say? Would the same kind words shared about my grandma be shared about me? In all honesty: no. It would just be that I didn't overcome the lifelong battle I had to fight. That I was another statistic of anorexics who die from the disease. That I had so much life to live and it was taken from me. But I don't want that to be my reality, and in order to begin to live life, to cherish every moment like my grandmother, I have to recover.
I know this is getting long but there was one last realization. I realized that to make my grandmother proud, to make her legacy live on, to let her light continue to shine I must recover. I want to be more like my grandmother and share the lessons her life taught me. I want to be like she was where I never complain or speak a bad word about someone else. That I always look on the positive of things. This positivity is only seen in the rays of recovery. I want to be full of life, to have that light inside of me radiate out and brighten everyone around as my grandmother did. This light can only be unleashed through recovery. I want to live my life harnessing every moment and the possibilities it brings to help others. This is only possible with the energy of purpose brought by recovery. And I want to make my grandma proud. I want her to look down from heaven and smile at the accomplishments of her granddaughter. She wouldn't want me to restrict. To be tortured and tied down by the rulings of scales, nutrition labels, and food. She would want me to enjoy life. She would want me to find freedom with food. She would want me to recover.
So even on the days when it seems like I can't I will push on for my dear Grandmother Ruth. I will allow myself to nourish my body not just with what it needs, but with what it wants as well. I will release myself from the burden of scales, measuring, and calories. I will eat based off of exchanges and give myself freedom to not measure everything. I will face my fear foods till I feel freedom to eat them. I will step on scales when at doctor's and a maximum of once weekly. I will make my grandmother proud. I will recover.
In my mind I knew that it would be hard for me to get all of my exchanges in with food that would be available. Most of the food would be from people who were trying to do something nice for the family....people who knew nothing about my food allergies. This is when ED came out as a coping tool for my grief. Instead of packing along snacks, or stopping at the store, or having some kind of plan I brought nothing except a few bagels I knew would go bad.
My ED gets so tricky. It packaged this perfect concoction to restrict inside nice recovery wrapping paper. It said that by not having food I would be forced to be "normal," to eat whatever was provided. Well, exactly what I knew would happen did. Everything people brought either had cheese or was a dessert. Couple this with the inability to go poo and I had no desire to eat whatsoever or to make people go out of their way to get me food.
Luckily, my stepmom and dad got me subs, yogurt, and nuts, but still I barely got any fat or calories. I began to feel weak again and this weakness helped me to feel numb. To forget the grief and sorrow and feel empty. The final night I spent there (Friday) I started journaling. Trying to grasp how I slipped so bad. It was in that moment my grandmother's death brought me new life.
I realized that by not eating my calories I knew I would lose more weight and I am at way to low a weight to do that. I realized that by continuing to act in my disorder I am slowly sending myself to the grave. I thought back on seeing my dad breakdown at the casket as he stared at the body of a woman who once had so much life. You could see his heart break. This happened again with my brother when he saw my grandma in the casket. Sure they made her look beautiful. Her hair was immaculate, her makeup spotless, her eyes closed as if she were just asleep. But as each of us looked at her we realized she wasn't sleeping and she was never waking up. That body would never again be filled with life. That is when our hearts broke. When that agonizing pain took over. And here I was, restricting. Refusing to feed my body. Here I was saying "Pick me. I will be the next in the casket. I will be the cause of the next breaking of my family's heart."
My grandmother had no choice in her death. She fought infections tooth and nail to survive. She never gave up and never lost hope. I have a choice to eat. To choose life. It's not an easy choice and many times it doesn't seem like an option but it is. It is the only way I will survive. And if it is my time to go, then at least I will go out fighting. I just can't be the cause of my families heartbreak.
I had another realization too. I realized all the people my grandmother impacted. The viewing for the funeral didn't start till 10 am and people were lining up at 9:45. She was an 89 year old woman who still packed out the church with people. It was so packed they ran out of programs. In fact, had her Sunday school class not been on retreat they would have run out of chairs too. When I saw the people flooding in I started to think who would attend my funeral. I realized in that moment that ED has kept me from my potential. He has kept me isolated and prevented me from having the energy to make an impact in the world. I don't even think I could fill a supply closet to capacity with the people (outside of family) that I have connected too. That broke my heart.
Then I was looking at her life. At all her accomplishments. These were shown by boards filled with pictures and memories. I again thought to myself: "If I were to die in this moment, what memories would people have to share? What would they say of me?" Honestly my life has been my ED. Spending so much time in treatment centers, doctor's offices, or stuck in the worries and sorrows of my mind has kept me from making memories. What would the preacher say? Would the same kind words shared about my grandma be shared about me? In all honesty: no. It would just be that I didn't overcome the lifelong battle I had to fight. That I was another statistic of anorexics who die from the disease. That I had so much life to live and it was taken from me. But I don't want that to be my reality, and in order to begin to live life, to cherish every moment like my grandmother, I have to recover.
I know this is getting long but there was one last realization. I realized that to make my grandmother proud, to make her legacy live on, to let her light continue to shine I must recover. I want to be more like my grandmother and share the lessons her life taught me. I want to be like she was where I never complain or speak a bad word about someone else. That I always look on the positive of things. This positivity is only seen in the rays of recovery. I want to be full of life, to have that light inside of me radiate out and brighten everyone around as my grandmother did. This light can only be unleashed through recovery. I want to live my life harnessing every moment and the possibilities it brings to help others. This is only possible with the energy of purpose brought by recovery. And I want to make my grandma proud. I want her to look down from heaven and smile at the accomplishments of her granddaughter. She wouldn't want me to restrict. To be tortured and tied down by the rulings of scales, nutrition labels, and food. She would want me to enjoy life. She would want me to find freedom with food. She would want me to recover.
So even on the days when it seems like I can't I will push on for my dear Grandmother Ruth. I will allow myself to nourish my body not just with what it needs, but with what it wants as well. I will release myself from the burden of scales, measuring, and calories. I will eat based off of exchanges and give myself freedom to not measure everything. I will face my fear foods till I feel freedom to eat them. I will step on scales when at doctor's and a maximum of once weekly. I will make my grandmother proud. I will recover.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Episode 15: Changes, Control, Coasters
So welcome to Inside the ED [Recovery] Studio. That's right....there's been a little change of management that led to a name change. Basically, I just don't want to wallow in my disorder anymore. Sure I will put some conversations up but I really want this blog to help people, including myself, recover. How can I do that if the whole focus (including the name) is ED. It would be like breaking up with a boyfriend, but keeping his pics in your room just for the heck of it. So welcome to the new studio :) It seems a little brighter in here don't you think.
Onto some changes in my life going on right now. Well, I'm back at college and seeing (well communicating through e-mail with an appt this week) my new old nutritionist. Basically I saw her last year and am seeing her again. She is amazing and I am super excited. In fact I got thestupid brilliant idea to ask her if it would be better for me to go to exchange based instead of calorie based eating plan. She was ecstatic I asked and guess who is moving to exchange based system. Yep, me. Of course this bring 5 bigillion fears especially since I am now eating 6 fat exchanges whereas before I was getting maybe one. It's nice though because its the plan I was on at Renfrew so there is some comfort there. I have been on it for 3 days now and even added some snacks of my own because I was hungry (I know, who would have thought I would listen to and respect my body, trust me it is only through prayer I have done it). It is actually quite exciting. It's almost like someone gave me "permission" to eat fats again. So I am enjoying eating peanut butter, olive, AND almonds all IN THE SAME DAY. I didn't even get those all in in the same week let alone in the same day.
So through freaking out when I got the "Go to exchanges e-mail" I learned something. I realized the only reason I wanted to cling onto some form of calorie counting (which I will admit I am still doing "just to see") was for control. Being able to choose where my calories came from and not have anyone tell me what to eat gave me this twisted sense of control. Of course, I had no control. All of my decisions were based on numbers swirling around my head, choking me in their twisted cords. No decision was right. If it was low fat, it was too high sugar, not enough fiber, too much sodium, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't get it right. Now I have exchanges (at least for meals) and its hard because my mind says no that's too much fat, but I know it is okay to have because it is part of my exchanges. It makes choosing mealsa little a whole lot scarier, but also there is freedom in it. If I am craving a different kind of fruit I can choose in the moment to have it without worrying about logging or where I am going to add or lose the calories somewhere else.
So by doing exchanges I am giving a lot of control of my food over to my team, as I should have been doing in the first place. Maybe I can one day trust myself enough to go back to calories but right now that would be like telling a kindergartener to do Advanced Calculus....it would just end in chaos. I am just too wrapped up in the numbers and confusion of what is "healthy" eating to make any decision. When I first logged in my new exchanges I was shocked by how low the calories were. At first I said, no no snacks. But then when my tummy was growling I realized I needed to eat more. That was another scary thing to do....to admit I needed something and fulfill the need. So I am still tracking and trying to hit a calorie minimum but I only get my freedom in snacks.
The whole snack choosing has shown me how much I actually like the structure of exchanges. Because as soon as I go to choose a snack I question each choice. Is this healthy? Should I pair it with a protein? Is that too high in sugar? Am I eating too many carbs? But with exchanges it's soeasy much more doable. When questions come I just say "My nutritionist told me to do this and that it was healthy. I am going to trust in her and her education and knowledge in the area I am lacking and just eat this exchange because I want it."
So wanted to leave you with a little illustration to show you how this is making me feel. It reminds me of riding my 1st ever roller coaster (I had a huge fear of them until I was 16 and rode my first one). This moment in my life is like climbing that first hill. There is excitement and fear. At moments the fear overwhelms and at other moments the excitement takes over. Either way its an emotional wait to get to the top. Then you get to the peak (pretty much every time I make a decision), you hold your breath for a breif second, hands shoot up, and you drop. That drop is so exhilirating, such a release, and the excitement takes over. Right now I am making the climb and every time I finish a meal it is like the exhiliration of the drop. Then at the end of the day, when the roller coaster pulls in to the station and it's time to unload I realize it really wasn't that bad and look for the next roller coaster to board. The next way to challenge myself. The next drop to experience.
Onto some changes in my life going on right now. Well, I'm back at college and seeing (well communicating through e-mail with an appt this week) my new old nutritionist. Basically I saw her last year and am seeing her again. She is amazing and I am super excited. In fact I got the
So through freaking out when I got the "Go to exchanges e-mail" I learned something. I realized the only reason I wanted to cling onto some form of calorie counting (which I will admit I am still doing "just to see") was for control. Being able to choose where my calories came from and not have anyone tell me what to eat gave me this twisted sense of control. Of course, I had no control. All of my decisions were based on numbers swirling around my head, choking me in their twisted cords. No decision was right. If it was low fat, it was too high sugar, not enough fiber, too much sodium, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't get it right. Now I have exchanges (at least for meals) and its hard because my mind says no that's too much fat, but I know it is okay to have because it is part of my exchanges. It makes choosing meals
So by doing exchanges I am giving a lot of control of my food over to my team, as I should have been doing in the first place. Maybe I can one day trust myself enough to go back to calories but right now that would be like telling a kindergartener to do Advanced Calculus....it would just end in chaos. I am just too wrapped up in the numbers and confusion of what is "healthy" eating to make any decision. When I first logged in my new exchanges I was shocked by how low the calories were. At first I said, no no snacks. But then when my tummy was growling I realized I needed to eat more. That was another scary thing to do....to admit I needed something and fulfill the need. So I am still tracking and trying to hit a calorie minimum but I only get my freedom in snacks.
The whole snack choosing has shown me how much I actually like the structure of exchanges. Because as soon as I go to choose a snack I question each choice. Is this healthy? Should I pair it with a protein? Is that too high in sugar? Am I eating too many carbs? But with exchanges it's so
So wanted to leave you with a little illustration to show you how this is making me feel. It reminds me of riding my 1st ever roller coaster (I had a huge fear of them until I was 16 and rode my first one). This moment in my life is like climbing that first hill. There is excitement and fear. At moments the fear overwhelms and at other moments the excitement takes over. Either way its an emotional wait to get to the top. Then you get to the peak (pretty much every time I make a decision), you hold your breath for a breif second, hands shoot up, and you drop. That drop is so exhilirating, such a release, and the excitement takes over. Right now I am making the climb and every time I finish a meal it is like the exhiliration of the drop. Then at the end of the day, when the roller coaster pulls in to the station and it's time to unload I realize it really wasn't that bad and look for the next roller coaster to board. The next way to challenge myself. The next drop to experience.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Episode 14: ED is Poppin'
So thought I would post convo with ED since it is happening right now in my head. Update first: I am up to 2,500 calories starting yesterday and it freaks me out. I am going back to school. My school nutritionist is going to see me a week early. And I am still freaking out about ballooning. So tonight had a lovely event occur where I pre-weighed my corn on the cob to put into cal counter and it came out to be 300 calories. I knew this couldn't be right and finally realized it was measuring just the corn, not the cob. When I weighed the corn kernels only (cut them off cob) calories were closer to 100 something. So I logged it correctly and ate some to make up for and here is when ED freaked....
ED: What the hell are you doing? Why are
you forcing yourself to eat more than 2,500 calories?
ED: What the hell are you doing? Why are
you forcing yourself to eat more than 2,500 calories?
Me: More? What do you mean. I just
measured the corn kernels and logged it.
ED: That one is wrong. The right one was how
you logged the ear of corn. It's definitely 300 calories.
Me: There is no way a half of a long ear of
corn is 300 calories. Somewhere you have
to know that. It's a veggie for goodness
sake, it can't be that much.
ED: That's what you think but what if you are wrong.
Then you are over by close to 200 calories. You really want
to do that? You didn't even work out today when you
had the chance (my mom asked me if I wanted to go to
gym but let me stay home).
Me: Ya going over would freak me out but
I didn't go over. I measured the kernels and logged
them and that's what I got. It's better to be over than
under anyway as hard as that is for me to believe.
ED: Why not just be safe though? You are already
eating way too many calories and see how full you are
(I was stuffed about now), that's definitely 300 cals
worth of corn.
Me: I ate more than just corn and I ate fast which
is why I feel stuffed. It's fine. I am going to log it this way
and if my weight jumps up crazy overnight because of this
it will just be down after a normal day of eating.Yes, I am
anxious, but maybe this just means I should stop measuring.
ED: No, you have to measure and make sure you
get right portions.
Me: Then leave me alone about the damn corn!
So I am still really anxious, but I know in my heart I am doing what's right. My stomach doesn't think so and still plenty of eating to do tonight (mom decided to drag me around town without food so forced to eat a bunch late at night. Can't wait for school when I can control my schedule and eating). But I know this feeling, both fear and full, will pass and I will wake up fine tomorrow. So here I go....wish me luck.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Episode 13: When your team is in the way
So weird thing happened today and thought I would share in case this craziness happens to anyone else ever. Basically I have been increasing cals but am still losing weight. It scares me so much because I'm almost to a weight I said I would never let myself get to and now I can't control the loss. I keep increasing, it keeps going. Scares me and also makes me trust my body more.
Anywho, my therapist noticed today and she weighed me and freaked out to say the least. So she called my nutritionist who has been out for a month due to an injury and, to make a long story short, they decided I needed to be checked in inpatient. Well, I know my truth that I am doing as I need to and so I had them call my mom. And guess what? She spoke the truth and let them know I didn't need treatment. Well, actually she let my therapist know and guess who my therapist didn't pass this onto? My nutritionist.
So when I e-mailed my nutritionist to ask her to please, please help me figure out something she basically responded that she was no longer going to help me and that I needed treatment. So I freaked out and cried yet again. Then I prayed and took a deep breath and realized something: my nutritionist presence (or lack thereof) was actually getting in my way of recovery. Here is what I mean.
One, she was injured and thus I couldn't ever meet with her. She wasn't respond to e-mail or phone calls and thus I wasn't getting the support I needed.
Second, any time I would think, "Hey I need to increase this or that" or "Maybe I shouldn't do this or that anymore" I would e-mail her first before changing anything, but she wouldn't respond. So I was almost waiting for approval knowing I wouldn't get it for a few days.
Third, even when I did see her she was very judgemental and just was making me feel like all food was just meant to make me gain weight. It was all about how I wasn't doing enough yet she wasn't listening when I told her I hadn't been honest about what I was doing. She just wanted me eating a bunch of calories but never explained why. I need someone who explains the reasons.
Well here is the good news. I have till the 13th to do this on my own, without needing approval, just support and then the best thing ever....I get to see my school nutritionist again. She is good for all the reasons the other was bad.
One, she is available to meet all the time, her office got moved to right across from the dorm I will live in. She also responds to e-mails almost instants M-Fri. Always with thought out responses not one or two words.
Second, she lies out my goals so concretely that I know what I need to be doing and when I don't I can e-mail her or really just go see her and it will be instant feedback. She is also very willing to do this because she knows I need it.
Third, she explains why I need to do what I do. This helps me see that it is for my health. She actually doesn't specialize in ED but is a health nutritionist or something like that. She basically works to help people eat healthier and she explained to me and made me realize that it's not just people who eat too much fat or cals or whatever that eat unhealthy, but also me who don't eat enough of that.
I love the school nutritionist because she seems to care about me as a person and pushes me not just with cals and gaining but also fear foods. We meet as long as we need and she is free. She just takes the time to make sure I know everything I need to do. And she helps me navigate the dining hall and portion sizes. She is about getting me healthy not fat, and though ED says its the same I know its not. I know this nutritionist wants me to eat healthy and thus will get me a healthy body. She is also spiritual which helps as well.
So perhaps this pain is for the better. This loss means gaining something so much more.
Anywho, my therapist noticed today and she weighed me and freaked out to say the least. So she called my nutritionist who has been out for a month due to an injury and, to make a long story short, they decided I needed to be checked in inpatient. Well, I know my truth that I am doing as I need to and so I had them call my mom. And guess what? She spoke the truth and let them know I didn't need treatment. Well, actually she let my therapist know and guess who my therapist didn't pass this onto? My nutritionist.
So when I e-mailed my nutritionist to ask her to please, please help me figure out something she basically responded that she was no longer going to help me and that I needed treatment. So I freaked out and cried yet again. Then I prayed and took a deep breath and realized something: my nutritionist presence (or lack thereof) was actually getting in my way of recovery. Here is what I mean.
One, she was injured and thus I couldn't ever meet with her. She wasn't respond to e-mail or phone calls and thus I wasn't getting the support I needed.
Second, any time I would think, "Hey I need to increase this or that" or "Maybe I shouldn't do this or that anymore" I would e-mail her first before changing anything, but she wouldn't respond. So I was almost waiting for approval knowing I wouldn't get it for a few days.
Third, even when I did see her she was very judgemental and just was making me feel like all food was just meant to make me gain weight. It was all about how I wasn't doing enough yet she wasn't listening when I told her I hadn't been honest about what I was doing. She just wanted me eating a bunch of calories but never explained why. I need someone who explains the reasons.
Well here is the good news. I have till the 13th to do this on my own, without needing approval, just support and then the best thing ever....I get to see my school nutritionist again. She is good for all the reasons the other was bad.
One, she is available to meet all the time, her office got moved to right across from the dorm I will live in. She also responds to e-mails almost instants M-Fri. Always with thought out responses not one or two words.
Second, she lies out my goals so concretely that I know what I need to be doing and when I don't I can e-mail her or really just go see her and it will be instant feedback. She is also very willing to do this because she knows I need it.
Third, she explains why I need to do what I do. This helps me see that it is for my health. She actually doesn't specialize in ED but is a health nutritionist or something like that. She basically works to help people eat healthier and she explained to me and made me realize that it's not just people who eat too much fat or cals or whatever that eat unhealthy, but also me who don't eat enough of that.
I love the school nutritionist because she seems to care about me as a person and pushes me not just with cals and gaining but also fear foods. We meet as long as we need and she is free. She just takes the time to make sure I know everything I need to do. And she helps me navigate the dining hall and portion sizes. She is about getting me healthy not fat, and though ED says its the same I know its not. I know this nutritionist wants me to eat healthy and thus will get me a healthy body. She is also spiritual which helps as well.
So perhaps this pain is for the better. This loss means gaining something so much more.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Episode 12: Finally I Cracked
So today was the one, the only, meal plan increase day. I am supposed to increase every 3-5 days till I get to 2500. Today my weight also happened to go up so of course ED freaked. I knew I shouldn't weigh, but alas I gave in and did it. But, my Father happened to make this a good thing because it showed me I am strong enough to get through. I didn't give in to ED's shouts and screams to restrict portions and finally tonight I cracked.
I realized I began using the food scale again and true it has been helpful and I have only added to portions, not taken away, but it just takes so much time. It would be so much easier to just measure things with cups and spoons and such (if they can be measured that way). Honestly, it just makes it harder for me to eat when I am thinking of the grams that I am eating. It won't be easy to eat with cups and spoons and such, but the scale has become a headache. I get so scared and I remeasure things 5 bigillion times just to check. It's like I am in disbelief that the packaging companies don't lie.
So I want to be "normal." Whatever normal is? I guess for me my immediate normal to aim for is to use cups and spoons not the food scale. To weigh once a week. To eat what my body wants without worrying about fat, sodium, sugar or any of that stuff. To feed my body more when it is hungry. To enjoy working out (this has begun to happen again). To listen to my team and other supports advice. To push myself to do fear foods more often. To worry about more in life than just food. To enjoy life AND food.
ED is freaking out already. He is shouting I will gain weight, I will be fat, no one will like me, blah, blah, blah. Well NEWS FLASH nobody is going to sit back and let me not gain weight. They are gonna ship me off to treatment before that happens or just keep increasing my meal plan. So I can give in and enjoy the journey, or I can be the annoying kicking, screaming kid being dragged through recovery by my ear. And if I choose the later I will just end up back in the predicament or die on my way to getting here. I choose to enjoy this process. I choose to cherish the tears, pain, and fear it brings, because then I won't want to go back. Then I will see how strong I am when I turn things over to God.
I know I can recover. The weight gain scares me, but if I get honest not recovering completely scares me more. Semi-recovering (aka still obsessively measuring, exercising, or weighing) scares me more because it will leave a door open to relapse and if I freaking gain this weight yet again (what is this the third time...hey at least its a charm) I want it to be the last time. And what scares me even more is dying. I can't come back from that. I can't say oops I made a mistake let me fix that. Nope, it will be the end.
So here's to recovery. Here's to enjoying the ride as much as is possible. Here's to my future. Here's to fully living. Here's to taking control from ED and giving it to God :)
So if you don't see conversations with ED don't worry, we are just venturing inside the recovery studio and I want to focus on the fears of recovery as I think not a lot of people know about that. Whose with me?
I realized I began using the food scale again and true it has been helpful and I have only added to portions, not taken away, but it just takes so much time. It would be so much easier to just measure things with cups and spoons and such (if they can be measured that way). Honestly, it just makes it harder for me to eat when I am thinking of the grams that I am eating. It won't be easy to eat with cups and spoons and such, but the scale has become a headache. I get so scared and I remeasure things 5 bigillion times just to check. It's like I am in disbelief that the packaging companies don't lie.
So I want to be "normal." Whatever normal is? I guess for me my immediate normal to aim for is to use cups and spoons not the food scale. To weigh once a week. To eat what my body wants without worrying about fat, sodium, sugar or any of that stuff. To feed my body more when it is hungry. To enjoy working out (this has begun to happen again). To listen to my team and other supports advice. To push myself to do fear foods more often. To worry about more in life than just food. To enjoy life AND food.
ED is freaking out already. He is shouting I will gain weight, I will be fat, no one will like me, blah, blah, blah. Well NEWS FLASH nobody is going to sit back and let me not gain weight. They are gonna ship me off to treatment before that happens or just keep increasing my meal plan. So I can give in and enjoy the journey, or I can be the annoying kicking, screaming kid being dragged through recovery by my ear. And if I choose the later I will just end up back in the predicament or die on my way to getting here. I choose to enjoy this process. I choose to cherish the tears, pain, and fear it brings, because then I won't want to go back. Then I will see how strong I am when I turn things over to God.
I know I can recover. The weight gain scares me, but if I get honest not recovering completely scares me more. Semi-recovering (aka still obsessively measuring, exercising, or weighing) scares me more because it will leave a door open to relapse and if I freaking gain this weight yet again (what is this the third time...hey at least its a charm) I want it to be the last time. And what scares me even more is dying. I can't come back from that. I can't say oops I made a mistake let me fix that. Nope, it will be the end.
So here's to recovery. Here's to enjoying the ride as much as is possible. Here's to my future. Here's to fully living. Here's to taking control from ED and giving it to God :)
So if you don't see conversations with ED don't worry, we are just venturing inside the recovery studio and I want to focus on the fears of recovery as I think not a lot of people know about that. Whose with me?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Episode 11: A Cold Day in ED's Hell
Well I managed to give ED (and myself) a heart attack with a decision I made yesterday. First let's start with the fact that I stepped on the scale and had gained 2 lbs in two days. Add to that the fact that I had decided to skip a day of weighing and ED went crazy.
ED: See this is what happens when you don't weigh
yourself. You balloon.
ED: See this is what happens when you don't weigh
yourself. You balloon.
Me: No, this is what happens when you
don't poop for two days. Jumping on the scale
yesterday wouldn't have changed anything.
ED: Would have actually because you could
have cut back yesterday to prevent such a drastic
gain. Now you are going to have to only have one
thing to eat for the whole day.
Me: Sure every fiber of my being wants to
not eat right now, but I need to. How
else am I going to poo and how else am
I going to have energy today. My body needs
food. Plus, my parents aren't gonna let me not eat.
ED: Then you will just keep ballooning.
You are a disgusting excuse for a human.
Me: Yes, I feel disgusting right now and
I am scared this will happen. But I am scared
more of dissapointing my family or
dying or fainting. I can prevent those by eating. Plus
I don't even know for sure this is real weight and
the only way to find out is stick to my plan.
ED: That sounds like the stupidest idea ever and
the surest way to get fat.
Me: Well then I am stupid and fat, but I will
be happy and alive so F*** off.
It took me 4 hours after the weigh-in to actually eat, but I did it. This torment continued for most of the day till I met with my new accountability partner. I was real honest with her and left so motivated I decided I needed to stop cutting back portions, but first I decided to see how bad it was and realized (through backtracking and relogging past days) that I had been skimping a significant number of calories. This freaked me out as I, prompted by ED, cut myself down about gaining on such a small amount. Then I shared my thoughts with some people and realized it was because I was shutting down my metabolism yet again by eating too little. So I went a little crazy researching and decided to increase my calories till I got to 2500 (this will be gradual). I was supposed to be doing that many anyway, but restricted when I lost my nutritionist, and always restricted portions. Well, increasing calories when you are gaining doesn't sit so well with ED.
ED: What the fuck has come over you?
Do you want to become a fat ass? Do you
want to balloon?
Me: No, I want to repair my metabolism and
in order to do that I have to eat more. It's like
putting wood in a fire. If you don't put enough in
the fire dies away, but if you put in enough and
keep "feeding" it the fire will roar. Food is the wood
and my metabolism is the fire. I don't want
to have to restrict the rest of my life.
ED: Then you need to lose more weight because you
are going to gain a lot fast doing this.
Me: I will do it gradually and will adjust if needed,
but I can't lose anymore. I don't even know what
that would entail calorie and health-wise. I don't
want to restrict and gain anymore eating too little.
It's time to start now. I am scared shitless to gain
but hey that's already happening anyway.
ED: You know how big you are going to be. Prob
gain 10 lbs a week and be fat by next week.
Me: Well most of that will be water weight.
Sure the research showed significant gains, but
it was all water weight and only when people
did a drastic increase, but I am gonna do it
more gradual. And if it doesn't work
then I can always go back to my old ways and
lose the weight.
ED: Nope it will be too late then. You will be
too fat. Why are you undoing all your hard work.
Me: Hard work is fighting you. Restricting had
become such a trap and way of life that it was easy.
So now I am doing the hard work and
now I am strong. Preety soon
my metabolism will be as well. So peace out.
ED kept going the whole day but I am happy to report I have been increasing and getting right portions for the past two days and I actually have dropped some of the water weight so I am happy. I am scared, but I will keep fighting and as always will keep you posted. And don't worry....ED will be a frequent to the studio. I honestly thought hell would have to ice over before I would decide and want to not restrict portions and definitely before I increased when I was gaining. Well, I guess hell better get some jackets.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Episode 10: Knocking down the pins
Again, ED is on vacation from the blog right now. This time not because he isn't screaming loudly in my head urging me to act on behaviors, but because I don't have the energy to counter his thoughts and instead am trying to distract myself. Don't worry, he will be back soon.
I did want to share an interesting experience today that happened when I let ED sit on the sideline. It all began when me and my dad decided to go bowling. Usually the whole time I am concentrated on how many calories I'm burning, but today that wasn't the case. I just wanted to enjoy the time with my dad as I knew I would be moving back to my mom's house later that night. We were having so much fun and I got a lot of spares and strikes the second game....then the third game rolled around.
I started off the game only knocking down 3 pins and my head went crazy. It told me I couldn't make any spares and the self-defeat and self-hate fired up. Every time I went up to bowl I would bowl a great first ball, just enjoying the time and not having any pressure on me to knock down a certain pin. It would be great and then I would have an easy spare left, but I would miss. Not because I wasn't capable, but because as soon as I went up to bowl I would think of all the things I shouldn't do and with that as my focus, I would do all of those things I shouldn't do and miss the spare. As I progressively got more down on myself, I began to not even be able to roll the first ball as my mind was filled with thoughts of how I was a failure and was going to miss the pins and what would happen, I would miss.
So how does this apply to recovery? Well, it's pretty much the struggle I am going through now. I get so caught up in what I can't do any more. Don't measure or worry about the weight of the food, don't be afraid of fat, don't cut back portions, don't overexercise that I freak out and end up either intensely desiring to do those things or giving in and doing them. But the days when I focus instead on what to do like eat all you pretzels, or measure this with a cup, or eat the whole bagel, or try to get fats to this minimum...I do so much better. My mind thinks of what I am doing (and true still freaks out about it) but it doesn't yearn to do the old things because those aren't the focus.
There is also the whole thing I have where I take it one meal at a time now....or at least I am working on it. Had I not let the last frame, or the thought of how many frames I had left to go get to me, I wouldn't have had so much pressure to perform and would have done better. Same thing with meals. When I focus on how I slipped up or even how I did good and got all my portions at an earlier meal/snack I begin to stress about the one I am sitting at. Then if I think about how I have to do such and such for a later meal/snack I also freak out at the current one. I get so overwhelemed at this point thinking of all the food I have to eat in a day that it becomes overload and I just give up on the portions. I worry what will happen if I get portions at everything, instead of just worrying about the one meal ahead of me. Then instead of getting a strike when it comes to recovery and knocking down all the pin-head ED thoughts, I get a gutter ball and give up on my future. But the meals I sit at and just think about that one moment, that one meal, I do amazing. I tell myself I just have to get through that one meal and eat all my portions. With that goal in mind and without the thoughts of the other food for the day or other mistakes I've made, I push through. Sometimes it takes an hour, but I get through.
There is also the self-defeating tendencies I have. I concentrate so much on all the things that could go wrong in my recovery or all the ways I have/will fail, that I keep myself from trying to recover. I worry that I will balloon because I will lose all control over my weight. I worry that I will relapse again. I worry that these medical complication I am having will be permanant. I worry people will think I'm fat when I get to my healthy weight. I worry I will always have issues with food and never have freedom from all the negative thoughts. I worry I will get used to eating all these calories and won't be able to stop and maintain. I worry I will only be able to eat 1200 cals to maintain when my body is so used to getting above 2000. All these worries fill my head that when I step up to perform at my meals, much like when I went to go bowl, I can't even find the energy to give it my best shot and end up in the gutter.
The last game of bowling, after making all these realizations, I said to heck with it.....I just want to have fun. What happened? My game improved drastically. In fact my score doubled. Wasn't as good as my 2nd game, but it was good and I was sore. That brought up another interesting thing. As I started to get tired, my dad told me just to move my mark (the place where you aim) to adapt to the soreness in my arm that was causing my balls to drift right. But I wanted to force my body to do as well as it had before. I wanted it to just get better and work the same as before. Instead of adapting and giving my body a break, I wanted to force it to do as I wanted. I laughed when I realized I was doing this. Is this not what I do all the time? When my body wasn't being fed I still told it it had to workout...even still when I am sore from work I will push it to do yoga. It is saying give me a break, but I want my way and want to push it to do things I want. An eating disorder is the very essence of forcing our bodies to do what they don't want. We force our bodies to be a shape they aren't by not giving them the nutrients or getting rid of the nutrients or shoving down too much nutrients. These are all forcing our bodies to handle something they can't. But our body can't handle this. We need to adjust what we do and let our bodies cope.
Same in recovery. Sometimes our minds seem to get healthier than our bodies or the other way around. For example, I feel I could handle cycling and not do it compulsively, but my health and weight can't allow for that now so I can't force my body to do that. Then there are the days my body just seems so ready to be fully recovered it wants to eat whatever and do whatever exercises it wants, but again I am not ready for that. My mind isn't ready to be pushed that far and so I have to adjust my aim and do a little yoga or challenge myself with a new fear food, something my body can take.
But, alas. I want my recovery to be like that last game. I want to say to heck with it and not let my past "frames" (ie attempts at recovery, meals, etc) influence how I do now. I just want to let go and experience life. I want to get ready for my throw...get ready to bowl the ball of recovery at the pins of my ED thoughts with a clear mind. Just focusing on that one moment, one throw, one breath. As the ball goes down the lane I will let go and let God. I won't worry about what it will do to my weight, body, or later meals. I will just concentrate on the moment. On the thrill of the game. Then I know I will get my strike and you know what, if I don't, there's always the possibility of a spare :)
I did want to share an interesting experience today that happened when I let ED sit on the sideline. It all began when me and my dad decided to go bowling. Usually the whole time I am concentrated on how many calories I'm burning, but today that wasn't the case. I just wanted to enjoy the time with my dad as I knew I would be moving back to my mom's house later that night. We were having so much fun and I got a lot of spares and strikes the second game....then the third game rolled around.
I started off the game only knocking down 3 pins and my head went crazy. It told me I couldn't make any spares and the self-defeat and self-hate fired up. Every time I went up to bowl I would bowl a great first ball, just enjoying the time and not having any pressure on me to knock down a certain pin. It would be great and then I would have an easy spare left, but I would miss. Not because I wasn't capable, but because as soon as I went up to bowl I would think of all the things I shouldn't do and with that as my focus, I would do all of those things I shouldn't do and miss the spare. As I progressively got more down on myself, I began to not even be able to roll the first ball as my mind was filled with thoughts of how I was a failure and was going to miss the pins and what would happen, I would miss.
So how does this apply to recovery? Well, it's pretty much the struggle I am going through now. I get so caught up in what I can't do any more. Don't measure or worry about the weight of the food, don't be afraid of fat, don't cut back portions, don't overexercise that I freak out and end up either intensely desiring to do those things or giving in and doing them. But the days when I focus instead on what to do like eat all you pretzels, or measure this with a cup, or eat the whole bagel, or try to get fats to this minimum...I do so much better. My mind thinks of what I am doing (and true still freaks out about it) but it doesn't yearn to do the old things because those aren't the focus.
There is also the whole thing I have where I take it one meal at a time now....or at least I am working on it. Had I not let the last frame, or the thought of how many frames I had left to go get to me, I wouldn't have had so much pressure to perform and would have done better. Same thing with meals. When I focus on how I slipped up or even how I did good and got all my portions at an earlier meal/snack I begin to stress about the one I am sitting at. Then if I think about how I have to do such and such for a later meal/snack I also freak out at the current one. I get so overwhelemed at this point thinking of all the food I have to eat in a day that it becomes overload and I just give up on the portions. I worry what will happen if I get portions at everything, instead of just worrying about the one meal ahead of me. Then instead of getting a strike when it comes to recovery and knocking down all the pin-head ED thoughts, I get a gutter ball and give up on my future. But the meals I sit at and just think about that one moment, that one meal, I do amazing. I tell myself I just have to get through that one meal and eat all my portions. With that goal in mind and without the thoughts of the other food for the day or other mistakes I've made, I push through. Sometimes it takes an hour, but I get through.
There is also the self-defeating tendencies I have. I concentrate so much on all the things that could go wrong in my recovery or all the ways I have/will fail, that I keep myself from trying to recover. I worry that I will balloon because I will lose all control over my weight. I worry that I will relapse again. I worry that these medical complication I am having will be permanant. I worry people will think I'm fat when I get to my healthy weight. I worry I will always have issues with food and never have freedom from all the negative thoughts. I worry I will get used to eating all these calories and won't be able to stop and maintain. I worry I will only be able to eat 1200 cals to maintain when my body is so used to getting above 2000. All these worries fill my head that when I step up to perform at my meals, much like when I went to go bowl, I can't even find the energy to give it my best shot and end up in the gutter.
The last game of bowling, after making all these realizations, I said to heck with it.....I just want to have fun. What happened? My game improved drastically. In fact my score doubled. Wasn't as good as my 2nd game, but it was good and I was sore. That brought up another interesting thing. As I started to get tired, my dad told me just to move my mark (the place where you aim) to adapt to the soreness in my arm that was causing my balls to drift right. But I wanted to force my body to do as well as it had before. I wanted it to just get better and work the same as before. Instead of adapting and giving my body a break, I wanted to force it to do as I wanted. I laughed when I realized I was doing this. Is this not what I do all the time? When my body wasn't being fed I still told it it had to workout...even still when I am sore from work I will push it to do yoga. It is saying give me a break, but I want my way and want to push it to do things I want. An eating disorder is the very essence of forcing our bodies to do what they don't want. We force our bodies to be a shape they aren't by not giving them the nutrients or getting rid of the nutrients or shoving down too much nutrients. These are all forcing our bodies to handle something they can't. But our body can't handle this. We need to adjust what we do and let our bodies cope.
Same in recovery. Sometimes our minds seem to get healthier than our bodies or the other way around. For example, I feel I could handle cycling and not do it compulsively, but my health and weight can't allow for that now so I can't force my body to do that. Then there are the days my body just seems so ready to be fully recovered it wants to eat whatever and do whatever exercises it wants, but again I am not ready for that. My mind isn't ready to be pushed that far and so I have to adjust my aim and do a little yoga or challenge myself with a new fear food, something my body can take.
But, alas. I want my recovery to be like that last game. I want to say to heck with it and not let my past "frames" (ie attempts at recovery, meals, etc) influence how I do now. I just want to let go and experience life. I want to get ready for my throw...get ready to bowl the ball of recovery at the pins of my ED thoughts with a clear mind. Just focusing on that one moment, one throw, one breath. As the ball goes down the lane I will let go and let God. I won't worry about what it will do to my weight, body, or later meals. I will just concentrate on the moment. On the thrill of the game. Then I know I will get my strike and you know what, if I don't, there's always the possibility of a spare :)
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Episode 9: The Fattening Nutritionist
So since my nutritionist went and got into a horseback riding accident I am off to seek a new one for the next three weeks before I go to my one at school. Not my idea but it's what my therapist wants. Well here is how my ED saw it.
ED: You will not go see another nutritionist.
They will want you to eat more and more and you
won't have any control or say because they don't know you.
ED: You will not go see another nutritionist.
They will want you to eat more and more and you
won't have any control or say because they don't know you.
Me: But they all went to school. Why can't I trust a
new nutritionist when I can trust my other two.
ED: This one will be different. They won't know
you and your fat body and won't understand
how much you can balloon overnight. Plus,
what if they make you go back on non-calorie
based meal plan. And what if they say no weighing again.
Me: Simmer down. It's just for three weeks. It
can't do that much harm and they will just be doing
whatever they have been taught is best. I haven't
gone to school for this stuff so I guess I really shouldn't
be in control.
ED: But they don't know you. Only you know you.
Plus, they can't be trusted. You don't know their motives.
What if they just want to do rapid weight gain? What if
they want you on high-fat? What if they make you completely
change?
Me: What if you shut up and let me go to at least
one session before judging the person I haven't
even met?
ED: You've become defiant now. See where that
gets you in life. You won't survive without me!
Me: No I won't survive with you so F*** off.
Then my lovely therapist recommended I go see the only other nutritionist she knows. This nutritionist happens to specialize in treating obesity and last time I saw her she let me start cross country after only being out of treatment for 2 weeks....boy did ED change his tune.
ED: Maybe you are on to something. A nutritionist
can only help you. Call this lady.
Me: What? You want me to go see a nutritonist.
ED: Then you won't feel so guilty about eating
low-fat and starting to exercise again. They will
see your love for running and cycling and who knows
maybe they will let you start it.
Me: But that will mean more calories and I didn't
think you wanted that.
ED: Well sometimes nutritionist take it slow and
let you exercise first and change meal plans later.
This nutritionist sounds great. She doesn't specialize
in ED but instead in people who need to lose weight. She
is a perfect fit for you.
Me: I get it. Because you think I need to lose
weight I need to go see this lady. I mean I am going
to have to go see her because she is who the therapist
wants, but don't think you will control these sessions.
No way in heck will my school nutritionist let me keep
exercising even if this lady does approve it.
ED: Just make the call and let's go meet this
lovely woman. We shall see how she is.
Me: So wait what if she says no to the exercise and
increases my meal plan like the others you
said would.
ED: Then we will go see another one who fits you better.
Me: Whatever. Keep telling yourself that.
Ugh you are getting so freaking annoying.
So I e-mailed the nutritionist to see if I can afford her and if she is available. I guess I will go see her I am just scared because I played her so easily before and I really do wanna get better. Oh well.....it's just contacting her and then its just one appointment.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Episode 8: There's Hope
Another non-ED convo post, but ED and me aren't having conversations lately because frankly I haven't had the time. I just wanted to post to give you all hope :)
Basically the same night as Episode 7, there was an "episode" at my house that involved yelling, people threatening to leave, tears, therapists on the phone, pretty much the makings of the best reality show ever, but it wasn't such a pretty reality. The good news is the fight did end, my family reunited, and I made a two-day contract. I promised, for just two days, that I wouldn't restrict portions, wouldn't exercise, and would record my cals properly. I would then check my weight on my Sunday weigh-in and if I wanted I could go back to the way things were. Well....it's Monday night (day 4) and I'm still going strong. I feel more free with food and my body now. The ballooning fear still comes, but it has yet to happen. Here is a low-down of how the two days of contract went though.
Day 1
Tons of ED yelling at me and telling me I would balloon. Didn't help that my favorite dog was determined to be heartworm positive and thus would have to be put down. It took me the full lunch hour to eat everything I packed, I felt full beyond belief after, and ED started telling me I needed to be active when I got home from work. Then I got the bad news about the dog and couldn't bear to bring myself to eat my snack for the ride home. When I got home I talked it out with my stepmom though and let her know all the triggers floating around in my head. We played Bananagrams and I eventually got all my snacks and dinner in without restricting. I did decide to lower my cal limit, but only because my stomach was in so much pain. Honestly, the only way I stuck through was reminding myself it was just for two days. I couldn't ballon that much in two days and if I did I could always go back to restricting and would lose it. Sure this was semi-disordered, but it shut ED up enough for me to get through the day.
Day 2
Woke up with tons of guilt and felt huge. It was a struggle not to do my Sat am yoga as usual, but I just tried to keep busy by cleaning, journaling, doing crafts, anything. Had family therapy and went to store which took up time, but also pushed my lunch back to 4pm (usually eat at 12pm :-O). Planned to go bowling that night with the fam and just reminded myself that it was just one more day and I could go back to normal. It was way hard and I ended up having to eat 1,100 calories after 10pm that night. It was rough and there was tons of guilt.
Weigh-in day
The fateful day arrived. I literally was shaking as I got out my scale (I hide it from myself because its easier to avoid the temptation to weigh every day instead of the two days a week I agreed to). As I stepped on I closed my eyes just enough to see my fate while hiding from the fear that ensued. This resembled that kid in the scary movie that is way too young to be watching it but doesn't want anyone to know so they squint their eyes in horror while trying to hold them open to hold onto their dignity. I took a breathe and opened my eyes completely and the scale had moved a measily .2 lbs. That's it. That's all the fear, anguish, tears, and torment of consuming more cals (both through not restricting and not exercising) was about. Instantly peace came over me. Recovery was possible and my body could be trusted. I have been going pretty strong since then. Like I said I still fear my weigh-in Thursday the ballooning will have happened, but I am also a very scientific person and right now the scientific facts of the scale point to this not happening. Plus, if I haven't lost any (aka maintained or gained) I will allow myself back two days of yoga a week (was walking and doing abs daily with yoga three times a week).
As it nears Independence Day I realize that I now have hope that I can be independent from my ED. From the chaos, torment, and lies it tells me. There will still be conversations, trust me, but I believe they will lessen. All I had to do was jump in completely to recovery for just two days, and my eyes and heart were opened to a future filled with so many more days to conquer. It's scary, but then again so is an ED. Some days were miserable, but so is an ED. In the end though I feel so much happier and lighter (yes, lighter....even though I gained I feel lighter) and that's something ED can never bring.
Basically the same night as Episode 7, there was an "episode" at my house that involved yelling, people threatening to leave, tears, therapists on the phone, pretty much the makings of the best reality show ever, but it wasn't such a pretty reality. The good news is the fight did end, my family reunited, and I made a two-day contract. I promised, for just two days, that I wouldn't restrict portions, wouldn't exercise, and would record my cals properly. I would then check my weight on my Sunday weigh-in and if I wanted I could go back to the way things were. Well....it's Monday night (day 4) and I'm still going strong. I feel more free with food and my body now. The ballooning fear still comes, but it has yet to happen. Here is a low-down of how the two days of contract went though.
Day 1
Tons of ED yelling at me and telling me I would balloon. Didn't help that my favorite dog was determined to be heartworm positive and thus would have to be put down. It took me the full lunch hour to eat everything I packed, I felt full beyond belief after, and ED started telling me I needed to be active when I got home from work. Then I got the bad news about the dog and couldn't bear to bring myself to eat my snack for the ride home. When I got home I talked it out with my stepmom though and let her know all the triggers floating around in my head. We played Bananagrams and I eventually got all my snacks and dinner in without restricting. I did decide to lower my cal limit, but only because my stomach was in so much pain. Honestly, the only way I stuck through was reminding myself it was just for two days. I couldn't ballon that much in two days and if I did I could always go back to restricting and would lose it. Sure this was semi-disordered, but it shut ED up enough for me to get through the day.
Day 2
Woke up with tons of guilt and felt huge. It was a struggle not to do my Sat am yoga as usual, but I just tried to keep busy by cleaning, journaling, doing crafts, anything. Had family therapy and went to store which took up time, but also pushed my lunch back to 4pm (usually eat at 12pm :-O). Planned to go bowling that night with the fam and just reminded myself that it was just one more day and I could go back to normal. It was way hard and I ended up having to eat 1,100 calories after 10pm that night. It was rough and there was tons of guilt.
Weigh-in day
The fateful day arrived. I literally was shaking as I got out my scale (I hide it from myself because its easier to avoid the temptation to weigh every day instead of the two days a week I agreed to). As I stepped on I closed my eyes just enough to see my fate while hiding from the fear that ensued. This resembled that kid in the scary movie that is way too young to be watching it but doesn't want anyone to know so they squint their eyes in horror while trying to hold them open to hold onto their dignity. I took a breathe and opened my eyes completely and the scale had moved a measily .2 lbs. That's it. That's all the fear, anguish, tears, and torment of consuming more cals (both through not restricting and not exercising) was about. Instantly peace came over me. Recovery was possible and my body could be trusted. I have been going pretty strong since then. Like I said I still fear my weigh-in Thursday the ballooning will have happened, but I am also a very scientific person and right now the scientific facts of the scale point to this not happening. Plus, if I haven't lost any (aka maintained or gained) I will allow myself back two days of yoga a week (was walking and doing abs daily with yoga three times a week).
As it nears Independence Day I realize that I now have hope that I can be independent from my ED. From the chaos, torment, and lies it tells me. There will still be conversations, trust me, but I believe they will lessen. All I had to do was jump in completely to recovery for just two days, and my eyes and heart were opened to a future filled with so many more days to conquer. It's scary, but then again so is an ED. Some days were miserable, but so is an ED. In the end though I feel so much happier and lighter (yes, lighter....even though I gained I feel lighter) and that's something ED can never bring.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Episode 7: Let me exhale
Once again not a conversation with ED just a blog about another ED-related experience.
I had a weigh-in this morning. That's right, I am stepping on a scale and weighing myself. Right now I am without a nutritionist so that's the only way to know how my body is reacting to the nutrition. This has been my first week without overexercise and without a food scale and my weight wasn't up at all. It's crazy. Does this mean I can trust my body? I am just so confused.
Also, still feel crappy from the passing out and doc appointments yesterday but I am hoping that will pass so I can enjoy my yoga tonight. My nutritionist also wrote me and said I have to increase my fat intake and get my act together or I need to go to residential treatment yet again.
It's so frustrating. I try and tell people how freeing this is that I didn't gain even though I made these changes my mind was convinced would make me balloon. Instead of supporting this huge improvement in my mindset. The brief sigh of relief that ED really is a liar (a relief I have been waiting for since my last weigh-in Saturday) I am hit with remarks of anger. That I need to take away exercise and don't realize the severity of my issues. I realize the severity and realize it isn't that severe. I have been in treatment before, I know what severe looks like. Just because this is the sickest I have been (by only 2 lbs I might add not by medical standards) doesn't mean my case is severe. I don't need a feeding tube shoved down my throat and I'm not a slip away from the hospital. I am sick yes, but I'm not severe.
So I took this relief. Yes, I know I need to gain weight. Yes, I realize everyone else wishes I would gain already, but I am trying to learn in this process too and I learned I can trust my body. I guess I must silently celebrate this victory that breaks 13-year chains by myself though. I am pushing myself and it seems like everyone just looks at how far I'm not pushing. Let me inform all of you non-ED people that this does not help the recovering ED patient at all. This makes us want to give up. This makes us feel bad and guilty about ourselves and we shut down. Then we get mad and whatever you say we shouldn't do we desire to do all the more.
I mean I have a plan. I may still be restricting and just need to concentrate and check my portions (sometimes I leave stuff behind on the plate) and if that doesn't make my weight improve by Saturday/Sunday then I will take away exercise and if that doesn't help then I will do a meal plan increase. I'm not letting myself lose or slip, I am just learning while I go. People want me to nix the exercise now but the exercise (which is walks and yoga nothing strenuous) keep me sane and keep me feeling like I am getting more toned. That my nutrition is going to do something not just make me fat. Even when I was first admitted to residential I got to do dance therapy multiple times a week and walk around the campus as much as I wanted and I had medical issues then.
I guess I'm just frustrated. I am afraid to tell people I was excited my weight wasn't up because they automatically take that in a disordered fashion, but its not how I meant it. I mean that it shows me my body really will adjust to intake, that I won't keep on gaining, that I don't have to control my body or food (granted I still have some food control I need to let go off). Had my weight gone up I wouldn't have been upset I just would have still had the anxieties about how the food affects my body. Granted they would be minimized because I wouldn't have ballooned, but right now they are all but gone.
Also, let's look ahead at all the goals I am putting in place. I am increasing my fat intake. I have added a rest day to my week. I am facing two fear foods tonight. So to me it is obvious I am making progress. I am not trying to be stable or lose weight, I am just recovering and learning. Learning my body, learning myself, just enjoying the process as much as it can be enjoyed. I know my weight will go up. Perhaps it will be when I finish all that's on my plate, perhaps it will be when I take away exercise, perhaps it will be a meal plan increase that does it but it doesn't matter. It will happen and I am okay with that. But can I just enjoy this sigh of relief that I put faith in God and my body and it worked out. Can I be allowed one exhale or must I keep everything held in tight and wait for the next moment it all explodes? I just want one "that a girl." I will even take a "I'm so proud you made this discovery, but here is what needs to happen next." But I guess that's another lesson I am going to have to learn is that I have to provide these things for myself. Like how I comforted myself when I was a child because my parents weren't capable. So here it goes. "That a girl, Jess. I am so proud you are taking this journey. I'm so proud you trusted your body and your team's recommendation for the food scale. Let's keep up the good work. Know that we do have to gain weight though so you have to ensure those portions. Next step is no exercise and upping meal plan, okay? But good job, keep it up"
I had a weigh-in this morning. That's right, I am stepping on a scale and weighing myself. Right now I am without a nutritionist so that's the only way to know how my body is reacting to the nutrition. This has been my first week without overexercise and without a food scale and my weight wasn't up at all. It's crazy. Does this mean I can trust my body? I am just so confused.
Also, still feel crappy from the passing out and doc appointments yesterday but I am hoping that will pass so I can enjoy my yoga tonight. My nutritionist also wrote me and said I have to increase my fat intake and get my act together or I need to go to residential treatment yet again.
It's so frustrating. I try and tell people how freeing this is that I didn't gain even though I made these changes my mind was convinced would make me balloon. Instead of supporting this huge improvement in my mindset. The brief sigh of relief that ED really is a liar (a relief I have been waiting for since my last weigh-in Saturday) I am hit with remarks of anger. That I need to take away exercise and don't realize the severity of my issues. I realize the severity and realize it isn't that severe. I have been in treatment before, I know what severe looks like. Just because this is the sickest I have been (by only 2 lbs I might add not by medical standards) doesn't mean my case is severe. I don't need a feeding tube shoved down my throat and I'm not a slip away from the hospital. I am sick yes, but I'm not severe.
So I took this relief. Yes, I know I need to gain weight. Yes, I realize everyone else wishes I would gain already, but I am trying to learn in this process too and I learned I can trust my body. I guess I must silently celebrate this victory that breaks 13-year chains by myself though. I am pushing myself and it seems like everyone just looks at how far I'm not pushing. Let me inform all of you non-ED people that this does not help the recovering ED patient at all. This makes us want to give up. This makes us feel bad and guilty about ourselves and we shut down. Then we get mad and whatever you say we shouldn't do we desire to do all the more.
I mean I have a plan. I may still be restricting and just need to concentrate and check my portions (sometimes I leave stuff behind on the plate) and if that doesn't make my weight improve by Saturday/Sunday then I will take away exercise and if that doesn't help then I will do a meal plan increase. I'm not letting myself lose or slip, I am just learning while I go. People want me to nix the exercise now but the exercise (which is walks and yoga nothing strenuous) keep me sane and keep me feeling like I am getting more toned. That my nutrition is going to do something not just make me fat. Even when I was first admitted to residential I got to do dance therapy multiple times a week and walk around the campus as much as I wanted and I had medical issues then.
I guess I'm just frustrated. I am afraid to tell people I was excited my weight wasn't up because they automatically take that in a disordered fashion, but its not how I meant it. I mean that it shows me my body really will adjust to intake, that I won't keep on gaining, that I don't have to control my body or food (granted I still have some food control I need to let go off). Had my weight gone up I wouldn't have been upset I just would have still had the anxieties about how the food affects my body. Granted they would be minimized because I wouldn't have ballooned, but right now they are all but gone.
Also, let's look ahead at all the goals I am putting in place. I am increasing my fat intake. I have added a rest day to my week. I am facing two fear foods tonight. So to me it is obvious I am making progress. I am not trying to be stable or lose weight, I am just recovering and learning. Learning my body, learning myself, just enjoying the process as much as it can be enjoyed. I know my weight will go up. Perhaps it will be when I finish all that's on my plate, perhaps it will be when I take away exercise, perhaps it will be a meal plan increase that does it but it doesn't matter. It will happen and I am okay with that. But can I just enjoy this sigh of relief that I put faith in God and my body and it worked out. Can I be allowed one exhale or must I keep everything held in tight and wait for the next moment it all explodes? I just want one "that a girl." I will even take a "I'm so proud you made this discovery, but here is what needs to happen next." But I guess that's another lesson I am going to have to learn is that I have to provide these things for myself. Like how I comforted myself when I was a child because my parents weren't capable. So here it goes. "That a girl, Jess. I am so proud you are taking this journey. I'm so proud you trusted your body and your team's recommendation for the food scale. Let's keep up the good work. Know that we do have to gain weight though so you have to ensure those portions. Next step is no exercise and upping meal plan, okay? But good job, keep it up"
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Episode 6: Spin my head right round
So let me fill you in on how crazy today has been and then we will get into the converstation with ED going on at this very moment (this is like breaking news story so prepare yourself). So this morning my alarm to take my meds which must be taken hours before I eat decided not to go off so when I woke up to get ready for work I realized I had to completely change my b-fat plans so they were portable (this isn't easy when you have anorexia and OCD and thus don't like changing food plans). Not only that but I was ravenously hungry this morning (again strange since I haven't been weighing foods and thus feel I am eating more and have cut down on working out so in reality shouldn't I not be hungry). Anywho, I packed b-fast and went to work. I was feeling tired from the lack of food so picked up a Coke Zero to have with my b-fast. Well I get to work and everything is fine. Three hours pass and I can finally eat b-fast. So I grab the Coke Zero and my b-fast and go back to the surgery room (I work at a vets office). I take a sip of the Coke Zero, get a huge stomach cramp, and the room starts spinning. I automatically knew when shaking added to the spinning that this plane was going down and fast (aka I was about to pass out). I asked to go sit down and next thing I know I'm waking up on the floor. Oh boy! So fast forward, the vet tech comes to check on me, I tell her I passed out and she said I should probably go home. A few minutes late though I felt better than I have in weeks. It's like passing out set the reset button in my head. So I ate (which made me nauseous) and went back to surgery. Begged the team to let me stay at work, but they said I needed to go home. Luckily got a few more internship hours before my dad came to follow me home. And now I came home, cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen, and organized all because of this dialogue in my head....
ED: So it's your rest day which means you
won't exercise and now your active job is taken
so you are just a fat lazy bum today. And who passes
out at work. You used to be able to go hours without eating
and now you can't. All the people at the office are probably making
fun of you right now. You are just a fat loser.
ED: So it's your rest day which means you
won't exercise and now your active job is taken
so you are just a fat lazy bum today. And who passes
out at work. You used to be able to go hours without eating
and now you can't. All the people at the office are probably making
fun of you right now. You are just a fat loser.
Me: I know I feel fine. It was stupid of me
to even tell them I passed out. I shouldn't have said
anything. Then I could still be at work and no
one would have known. I like that job
because it makes me feel active and now
I don't have that so I am going to balloon.
ED: Exactly. So get off your fat ass and go do stuff.
I mean go exercise or something. Look at those flabby
thighs they could use some toning.
Me: But I can't exercise. I promised myself a rest day.
And I have the weigh-in tomorrow and if
weight isn't up then I don't get any exercise. Why?
Had I not said anything none of this would have happened.
ED: Once again you failed and caused
yourself to have to take actions that are going to
make you fat. Great job idiot.
Me: I'm so embarassed. Maybe a little exercise won't hurt.
No, no....I can't go there. But I am so scared what the scale
will say because of this. Am I going to be huge tomorrow.
I just need to go be active. Clean my room, do some chores, something.
Ugh....I'm just fat. I feel it clining to my body. I'm fat and stupid.
What the hell is wrong with me.
ED: Exactly. Now go get moving. Stop
talking. Talking doesn't burn, moving does.
Go, go, go.
So I have been doing active things. It just annoys me that I had to go home. Being at this job at least makes me not feel lazy on my rest days, but then some days I go to internship ED says I need to workout more because I'm lazy so I don't know. It is all warped to please him and his desires for me. So I am really fighting hard not to go workout, but its not working so well. That's why I am trying to stay busy. This sucks. It absolutely sucks. If this wasn't a rest day it would be fine. But it is so now I have to sit with feeling lazy and fat and not being able to do anything about it. So scared about weigh-in tomorrow so that doesn't help either. What to do? What to do?
Monday, June 25, 2012
Episode 5: Fruit Salad....it ain't so yummy
Whose ready to play the weight ain't right. It's the fun game show brought by ED whereby he tells you all the servings of fruit you are grabbing are too much because you aren't weighing them. It goes a little like this. I will play the lovely contestant.
ED: You seriously think you are just going to
eat a banana. Not weigh it, just eat it. Are you freaking
stupid. Did your fat drag you down to the floor and you
hit your head.
ED: You seriously think you are just going to
eat a banana. Not weigh it, just eat it. Are you freaking
stupid. Did your fat drag you down to the floor and you
hit your head.
Me: I was just thinking of trying to aim towards
some form of normalcy. Where a fruit is a fruit. It's a
healthy food, it's not a gram or anything. It's just a piece
of fruit.
ED: And how do you suspect that will turn out for
you. Let me answer since you obviously have left
your sanity in your other head somewhere. Your body
won't adjust, you will start gaining way too fast. All of these
extra calories from food you used to weigh will add up and
you will balloon. Your body will never adjust. You will have
to workout more, but now you are too busy for that. You will
be miserable and fat and all because you had the stupid idea to not
weigh fruit. Plenty of people use food scales, you should be one of
those people.
Me: I've started to realize you use this whole
restricting portions to keep me from ever having to
eat more. When I lose you blame it on the restriction
and keep me from a meal plan increase. When I
gain it's because I'm not restricting enough. Not because my
body is trying to hold onto the few nutrients I give it. So yes I
will eat the damn banana and no I won't measure it.
ED: You know that will mean taking in more calories
right? And what do extra calories do? Make you fat.
Use your logic and stop being an idiot.
Me: Here's the logic bucko. I will eat these extra calories
and because they aren't that many since we are talking
fruits and veggies which aren't that calorically dense....
I won't gain that much more. Plus if I gain more than
I mentally feel capable of I can decrease my meal plan.
I have that control right now. Either way I eventually will be eating
2500 calories as has always been the case at some point in my
weight restoration. This is because my body will adjust. So then I
will eat without worrying about how much a food weighs and I won't have
to worry. I stick to the path you have me on and food isn't food,
it is just more numbers cursing me and my life. Yes, I'm scared shitless.
I'm scared in the next 3 days till my weigh -in my weight will
do crazy things. But I can't live trapped by your rules anymore.
I will take one scary weigh-in over the pain and agony you bring me anyday.
ED: You are never going to be able to eat 2500 calories.
That's why I have kept it from you. You don't deserve
or need that much food.
Me:Maybe I do , maybe I don't. But I will never know what
my body needs unless I give it the right portions. Plus, I'm really tired
of treatment and using all these ED behaviors is just going to
land me back in treatment. And guess what they don't let you do
there....weigh fruit or anything on food scales. They measure
everything, they decide what you eat, and I lose the little freedom
and joy I have right now since I get to choose my meals and my
actions. So all of this points to the only bad thing in not weighing being
3 days of possibly gaining more. Let's say I restrict 500 calories
from weighing (which is unreasonable). Then adding those back in for a
week would only lead to a lb more of gain. This would lead to a 2lb gain
in all for last week if my body hasn't already adjusted to last weeks intake, which
it usually does. One week of gaining an extra pound I can take. A lifetime
with you and your misery I can't stand.
And that's how you beat ED at his own game show. You write it out, talk it out, blog it out. Just get his stupidity out of your head and you will find peace. Will I probably have this dialogue a million more times tonight....yes. But will I need to do it as much tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. No. Slowly ED will be silenced and I will find peace. For now that peace lies in not weighing my fruit. In trusting my teams decision to rid me of a food scale. In not listening to ED and instead listening to me.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Episode 4: Just give up
So this morning I looked in the mirror and this is the chaos that ensued. A lot of this has come from the fact that my nutritionist can't see me for a while due to a health problem. So I have to monitor my own weight and intake and have fought the urge to restrict. In fact, part of me feels better about making the changes because now I feel like I can prove to myself not using any ED symptoms or any food scale (have given it up) won't result in ballooning.
ED: Wow! Look at those fat rolls. And that huge
belly. Told you you should have started restricting again.
Just a tiny break till your nutritionist comes back. This is
your chance to see how much more weight you can lose.
Me: But my nutritionist would be much happier
if I keep fighting and show her I have gained on my
own and can do this.
ED: But look what it is doing to this body you have
fought to make. You look disgusting and huge. Double chin,
fat on your hips, puffy cheeks, thighs are starting to touch,
you are just a jiggly piece of jello now.
Me: Today I feel that way, but the only way
for that feeling to go away forever is to not listen to
you at all.I need to push through and not restrict.
Plus I get to monitor my weight twice a week
so I will know if things start happening "too fast"
and then I will consult my dietician on what to do.
ED: The proof is in the mirror. You are gaining too
much and you can tell. You don't need to gain
weight. You look fine right now.
Me: You're right to a degree. I don't feel I need
to gain weight but my team and family say otherwise.
They are in healthy mindsets so I need to listen
to them not to my mind which is full of your thoughts.
ED: Just keep a few of your actions with you.
Leave behind a little bit on your plate,
exercise a little more some days. Just so that
way you still have some control in your life.
Me: How the hell is that control.That is just giving into
your ideas and theories about me and who I am.
The only thing I am scared of giving in is gaining too much
too fast, but I can make adjustments or my body will
make adjustments to that. What I can't adjust to is
listening to you in which there is fear of me dying.
If that fear comes true I can't undo it. So I need to give
in. I'm scared shitless, but I have to do it.
ED: You aren't going to be able to do it.
You know you are going to fail.You won't
fail at restricting and continuing these behaviors.
It's easy to listen to me and you are too weak and
pathetic to fight me.
Me: Well I am going to try. I am going to eat so
I get stronger so I can overcome you and what you tell
me. I am done with you. Some days I may slip up,
but I will defeat you once and for all because
in my weakness I find strength in God.
ED: Fine go get fat. I will be here when you fail.
So now I feel huge, I feel scared, but I am claiming those feelings as victory. They mean I am fighting ED and right now that is what I need to do.I am scared to recover, but I am going to have to do it one way or another. I want to recover outpatient so I can be hope for others that that kind of recovery is possible.I want to give my nutritionist the biggest get well gift and show her I can gain weight. I even reached out to my family and told them to not let me leave anything on my plate. I can and will recover. I am scared I will gain too much, but if that happens I will ask my nutritionist and possibly decrease my intake, but I don't want to go below 2,300 cals. If I don't gain at least .5 lb a week (so at least .3 by Thursdays and .5 by Sundays) then I will increase calories by 100. This is my plan. I will stick to it and I will recover.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Episode 3: Weighing in
So this isn't so much a conversation with ED as I really don't have the energy or time for him today, but a major realization that started from a stupid comment by ED himself. Basically I've been doing awesome these past two days and took my 1st rest day from any physical activity in 9 months yesterday. It was a struggle to fight back the urges to restrict yesterday and to not exercise in secret but I managed to.
Well I woke up these morning with the biggest urge to weigh myself (the people I nanny have a scale). I kept trying to push the urge down instead of facing it head on and when I got to nannying the girls were asleep, the parents were gone, and it was just me, myself, ED, and the scale. I literally paced the floor going to the bathroom where the scale is, changing my mind and turning back, only to return to the bathroom and the scale. Finally I did the not-so-good thing and gave in. I stepped on the scale and when the numbers flashed back at me I freaked. It just seemed like too much gain in such a short amount of time. I automatically had the instinct to decide what to change in my life to slow the gain, but then something happened. Instead of listening to those thoughts I lifted them to God. Then something hit me (not literally though a nice slap upside the head for even getting on the scale was rightfully earned).
I realized I am done. I'm done with letting a machine rule my life and recovery. These past two days sure I have been more anxious, but I've also been happier and had more energy. So what's more important, controlling my gain or feeling joy again, feeling non-caffeine induced energy, and reclaiming my life. Hint: there are three answers and none involve the word gain. So there is a little restriction I am still doing and I say f*** ED and the scale, I'm going to stop them today. I mean geez I'm already gaining might as well just keep the fun times rolling, what's the worst that happens...I gain weight....oh wait that's already happening so nothing. I mean I may feel more joy, more energy, be able to poop without stool softeners (for any of you ED sufferers you know the importance of that), gain back my metabolism.....wow don't those sound sucky. Nope they don't, but I was going to let a scale, a stupid machine whose accuracy no one really knows, hold me back from that. So I'm done.
I'm done with the control, lies, and stupidity of the scale. I want my life back and it stands in my way. If there were a million dollars at the end of a road and all that stood in my way was a stupid scale I would pick it up and throw it against a wall till it shattered as I ran to claim the million dollars. How much more important is saving my life than a million dollars? A load more. I mean for one, the longer I'm alive, the more times I can play the lotto and win millions of dollars.
So ED is pissed right now and sure he is screaming. He's telling me I will balloon, get fat, blah, blah, blah. Granted he also wants my meal plan to decrease and the only freaking way that will happen is if I balloon so there's no downside to this at all.
I won't lie I'm scared. I'm scared I will fail and I'm sure I will. But then what is failure. Is failure struggling and then getting back on track, no. Failure is struggling and not telling anyone. Failure is staying knocked down in defeat and not fighting to claim victory. Failure is giving up and giving in to ED and I am not a failure.
I can't promise that I won't step on a scale again just to see. That's unrealistic for me. What I can promise is that a few numbers won't control my life. My life will be controlled by God. My motivation won't come from controlling numbers but from controlling my future, my joy, my energy, and perhaps even my bowel movements haha. ED won't stand for this, he will get pissed, but it's understandable. I've been his bff for 13 years and I'm slowly walking away. I guess my ED is scared too, but in this fear I won't choose to go running back to his arms. Instead I will toss him aside and run to my life that's dangling at the end of this road. I will run back to my Father's arms where he will hold me and protect me. I will run back to freedom and I will find the light.
Well I woke up these morning with the biggest urge to weigh myself (the people I nanny have a scale). I kept trying to push the urge down instead of facing it head on and when I got to nannying the girls were asleep, the parents were gone, and it was just me, myself, ED, and the scale. I literally paced the floor going to the bathroom where the scale is, changing my mind and turning back, only to return to the bathroom and the scale. Finally I did the not-so-good thing and gave in. I stepped on the scale and when the numbers flashed back at me I freaked. It just seemed like too much gain in such a short amount of time. I automatically had the instinct to decide what to change in my life to slow the gain, but then something happened. Instead of listening to those thoughts I lifted them to God. Then something hit me (not literally though a nice slap upside the head for even getting on the scale was rightfully earned).
I realized I am done. I'm done with letting a machine rule my life and recovery. These past two days sure I have been more anxious, but I've also been happier and had more energy. So what's more important, controlling my gain or feeling joy again, feeling non-caffeine induced energy, and reclaiming my life. Hint: there are three answers and none involve the word gain. So there is a little restriction I am still doing and I say f*** ED and the scale, I'm going to stop them today. I mean geez I'm already gaining might as well just keep the fun times rolling, what's the worst that happens...I gain weight....oh wait that's already happening so nothing. I mean I may feel more joy, more energy, be able to poop without stool softeners (for any of you ED sufferers you know the importance of that), gain back my metabolism.....wow don't those sound sucky. Nope they don't, but I was going to let a scale, a stupid machine whose accuracy no one really knows, hold me back from that. So I'm done.
I'm done with the control, lies, and stupidity of the scale. I want my life back and it stands in my way. If there were a million dollars at the end of a road and all that stood in my way was a stupid scale I would pick it up and throw it against a wall till it shattered as I ran to claim the million dollars. How much more important is saving my life than a million dollars? A load more. I mean for one, the longer I'm alive, the more times I can play the lotto and win millions of dollars.
So ED is pissed right now and sure he is screaming. He's telling me I will balloon, get fat, blah, blah, blah. Granted he also wants my meal plan to decrease and the only freaking way that will happen is if I balloon so there's no downside to this at all.
I won't lie I'm scared. I'm scared I will fail and I'm sure I will. But then what is failure. Is failure struggling and then getting back on track, no. Failure is struggling and not telling anyone. Failure is staying knocked down in defeat and not fighting to claim victory. Failure is giving up and giving in to ED and I am not a failure.
I can't promise that I won't step on a scale again just to see. That's unrealistic for me. What I can promise is that a few numbers won't control my life. My life will be controlled by God. My motivation won't come from controlling numbers but from controlling my future, my joy, my energy, and perhaps even my bowel movements haha. ED won't stand for this, he will get pissed, but it's understandable. I've been his bff for 13 years and I'm slowly walking away. I guess my ED is scared too, but in this fear I won't choose to go running back to his arms. Instead I will toss him aside and run to my life that's dangling at the end of this road. I will run back to my Father's arms where he will hold me and protect me. I will run back to freedom and I will find the light.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Episode 2: Stop, Start
Today my ED really wanted to control. First it was stop eating, then it was start exercising. Let's go inside the ED studio.
First let's start with lunch. I got the right portions and told myself I would not leave that dang table until I finished everything. Of course I was nannying and the girls constant whines made me expedite the process.
ED: You have to stop eating now .
First let's start with lunch. I got the right portions and told myself I would not leave that dang table until I finished everything. Of course I was nannying and the girls constant whines made me expedite the process.
ED: You have to stop eating now .
Me: Can't you leave me alone?
ED: I can't let you become that fat kid again.
Me: Thanks jerk. You are so freaking nice.
ED: Truth hurts. Now stop eating. Leave behind a few
pretzels, carrots, grapes, and a part of that sandwich. It won't
hurt anything I promise.
Me: It if won't hurt to not eat it, then it won't hurt
to eat it.
ED: No! If you eat it you will balloon.
Me: That makes total sense. Not eating won't hurt aka
I won't lose weight, but eat them and I will balloon.
Sorry but that doesn't work. Not eating means less cals which
means weight loss. Eating the cals just means preventing loss.
And you say I have the issues.
ED: You can't trust your body. Just leave some
food behind and see what happens.
Me: Like I did last week when I lost the 2 lbs I fought so hard
to gain. How about I don't trust you, eat all my lunch, and see.
ED: Because you will gain too fast.
Me: Okay so this one week I gain too fast. Me and my
nutritionist will adjust then. It can't do too much bad.
ED: That won't help. You'll just keep gaining. Everyone
will see you as fat.
Me: Because that's what happened in the past. Like how I gained 3 lbs then
the next week lost 2 lbs because I listened to you and didn't fully commit
to recovery. Obviously if I wanted to I could control my weight again,
but I' m getting tired of that. And everyone is proud of me when I gain weight
except you. This is a democracy, and you are in the losing minority.
ED: You want to be that fat kid again?
Me: No. I want to be healthy and alive. That means
eating my meals, gaining weight, and telling you to F off.
This week I'm choosing life. So F off. I'm going to eat lunch.
ED: No you're not. You fat, ugly, wimp.
Me: Yummy pretzels. Oh look you are all gone.
Onto the sandwich....sooooo good (eats all of lunch
in a taunting way).
So I got through lunch and a snack without restricting and then ED starting screaming to exercise again. It's still going on but here's a glimpse of the convesation.
ED: Alrighty, as soon as you get home go do another walk.
And definitely an ab workout. You are getting flabby just
sitting around all day.
Me: I already did my 25 minute walk and thus I have
been active enough today. I have done what my team
reccomends and am doing the 30 minutes and that's it.
ED: So you are going to trust the team who
just wants you to be fat.
Me: No. I am going to trust the team who is
trying to fight for the healthy voice inside of me that
you have silenced. I am going to listen to the team who wants
me to live. Plus, I don't feel like doing another workout and I
don't have too. The sooner I do the exercise I'm supposed to
and stop the sooner I can gain the weight to do more intense
exercises.
ED: If you don't go workout then what about
those extra calories you ate earlier by not listening to me.
Me: Hey stupid. Extra means outside of what you need
and I ate my meal plan which means I ate what I needed.
No extras, just necessary calories.Ones I need for my body to
heal not to go burn off.
ED: Just one little walk won't hurt.
Me: Seriously the won't hurt argument again . That's getting old.
I am not going to listen to you so shut up now.
ED: I will shut up as soon as you start exercising.
Me: No you will just shut up for 5 seconds and tell me to
do more. The only way to find peace is to let you tire yourself out.
So you keep blabbing and I'm gonna keep living life.
So as of right now I haven't acted in symptoms today. ED is going off but I am choosing not to listen. I am determined to win the fight today. Just this one day, one moment, I will make the right decisions. I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Episode 1: Day of Changes
Let me first just frame this day up for you. It was a rough day and I was on the road for most of it....then I decided to challenge the overexercise part of my ED and let's just say that caused a lot of conversation.
Let's start with lunch. Had to go to Ihop and ordered something safe off the Simple and Fit menu: a veggie egg white omelette. Of course the plates got switched and I ended up with my stepmom's meal which had higher fat value so of course (even though I took a few bites before noticing) ED was there to berate me.
ED: You know you can't eat any more right?
Let's start with lunch. Had to go to Ihop and ordered something safe off the Simple and Fit menu: a veggie egg white omelette. Of course the plates got switched and I ended up with my stepmom's meal which had higher fat value so of course (even though I took a few bites before noticing) ED was there to berate me.
ED: You know you can't eat any more right?
Me: Why?
ED: Because you just ate more fat than you thought you were going to. Plus look how oily
that looks. If you eat that you know it's going straight to your thighs, you will balloon, and
you will look disgusting. Well, more disgusting.
Me: But I only had a few bites. And I need the calories. I mean I don't really
like the taste but I need the cals.
ED: A few bites is all it takes. The cook in the back probably knows how thin
you are and wants to make you fat so he probably added more oil than
you should have. I mean you probably got more calories anyway. And don't
be a pig. If you don't like it don't eat it. No use getting fat over food you hate
anyway.
Me: Guess your right. How bout a few pieces o f fruit?
ED: Why the hell do you like food so much? Are you still hungry?
No your not so stop freaking eating. I'm telling you they are lying
about the calories anyway. You can't trust restaraunts. You can't
trust anyone to prepare your meals except you. Stop eating just in
case the cals are too much.
Me: (staring at plate). I guess your right it does seem oily and I'm not hungry.
This was a not so good conversation with ED and I ended up not finishing. Later though I went down to do a walking video after already having done yoga in the AM. A comment from my stepmom had me really thinking about my motives for doing the walk. To ensure it wasn't to burn calories I cut it from 25 minutes to 15 minutes.....this was not taken well by ED.
ED: Excuse me! You fatty. You ate out today. What the hell are you
thinking. You must do more. I mean you can get away with it. Everyone
expects you to do a longer video so just do it.
Me: But I already did yoga. I lost weight this week at nutritonist anyway.
So obviously I don't need the walks to keep from ballooning. They
could be causing me to lose weight. I mean it's just 10 minutes shorter.
ED: You know how many calories those 10 minutes could burn?
I got it. We should do a cardio kickbox 10 minute video to make up.
Me: Wait what? We just went from walking to kickboxing.
I mean I shouldn't be thinking in terms of calories burned anyhow.
These walks are supposed to be relaxing not to burn calories.
ED: Seriously. Who tells you this bull? You walk
so you can eat. Otherwise you are a lazy fatty with no use.
Me: I already listened to you once today. I don't want to listen
anymore. I want to freaking recover and this is a step in that direction.
Plus I don't have time. I need to go eat my snacks. And once I get approved
to do higher intense exercise than yoga I won't do that and then walk.
So what makes this different?
ED: Well yoga is lazy and you burn no calories. So you need the walk
which is actual cardio in order to actually be burning and building muscle.
Me: Look I don't have time for this. I did yoga and I did the walk.
I am active and my body deserves a break. Plus people will be proud if
I choose to walk a shorter amount. So F off ED.
ED: Don't you dare go away from me. Guess you want to be
fat and miserable. Stupid....that's what you are.
Me: No, stupid was ever listening to you. Plus , you already
make me feel fat and miserable, so feeling the same but getting
to eat and enjoy life is an improvement.
That was 20 minutes ago. Now I'm sitting struggling to eat dinner but I refuse to let ED win. This is my life I am fighting for and I want my life to involve exercise and walking because I want to, not because some voice says I should.
Pilot Episode
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the one, the only, Inside the ED studio with your host, Jess. For the pilot episode today ED is unavailable (trust me this is a not so common thing) so I just wanted to let you know what this show is all about.
First off, let me introduce myself. I'm Jessica but everyone calls me Jess. I will be 20 in August and have suffered from an ED since the age of 6. I had binge eating disorder till age 13 when I switched to anorexia and compulsive exercise and laxative abuse (both forms of bulimia). I have been to residential treatment twice, inpatient 3 times, and outpatient 3 times bringing my total of treatment to 8 times (sorry ED gets you a little number obsessed). I once again am trying to recover which entails a caloric-based meal plan, a lot of weight restoration, and tons and tons of conversations with my eating disorder.
Now onto our guest, ED. Well, ED is my eating disorder. He's loud, he's crazy, and he's a jerk. He's that guy who dates you just so he can toy with you and all your emotions. He wants to control you to the point that you die. He is never happy with you and you are never enough. And he absolutely loves to have one-sided conversation with you where he talks and expects you to listen. The fun times roll once you start talking back.
So why this blog? Why now? And what the heck is it? This blog is where I will post my conversations with my ED. I have begun to voice them recently and my whole family finds them not only amusing, but also inspirational. Over the past week or so they have pushed me to blog them so I can help others in recovery. And since I'm a people pleaser thanks to ED and because really I want to share them, I have made this blog.
So why do this blog now? Why do it when I am going through such a hard process of recovery? There's a lot of reasons. It's therapeutic, it gets ED out of my head and into the light where he doesn't like to be, and because I think its something that needs to be out there. I think people who are recovering, people in their illness who want to recover, and people who are trying to help others recover need to see what having an ED is like. They need to see that recovery is hard, but possible. That it is possible to defeat your ED even when it is screaming in your head.
For me a huge part of recovery is countering all the arguments my ED brings me. In all my time surfing the web looking for some tools to help in my recovery I couldn't come across a blog that did that, so I want to start my own. I want to show people this tool of recovery. I want to help them laugh about recovery and see it can be emotional, but it also can be fun. I want people to see that these conversations don't have to be one-sided. That you can fight ED and overcome. I want people, including me, to see there is freedom from ED. That's why I have created the ED studio (yes it is a corny spin-off of Inside the Actor's Studio which I have never watched). And with that I end the pilot episode and go to have some b-fast, so rest assured there will be conversations with ED to come.
First off, let me introduce myself. I'm Jessica but everyone calls me Jess. I will be 20 in August and have suffered from an ED since the age of 6. I had binge eating disorder till age 13 when I switched to anorexia and compulsive exercise and laxative abuse (both forms of bulimia). I have been to residential treatment twice, inpatient 3 times, and outpatient 3 times bringing my total of treatment to 8 times (sorry ED gets you a little number obsessed). I once again am trying to recover which entails a caloric-based meal plan, a lot of weight restoration, and tons and tons of conversations with my eating disorder.
Now onto our guest, ED. Well, ED is my eating disorder. He's loud, he's crazy, and he's a jerk. He's that guy who dates you just so he can toy with you and all your emotions. He wants to control you to the point that you die. He is never happy with you and you are never enough. And he absolutely loves to have one-sided conversation with you where he talks and expects you to listen. The fun times roll once you start talking back.
So why this blog? Why now? And what the heck is it? This blog is where I will post my conversations with my ED. I have begun to voice them recently and my whole family finds them not only amusing, but also inspirational. Over the past week or so they have pushed me to blog them so I can help others in recovery. And since I'm a people pleaser thanks to ED and because really I want to share them, I have made this blog.
So why do this blog now? Why do it when I am going through such a hard process of recovery? There's a lot of reasons. It's therapeutic, it gets ED out of my head and into the light where he doesn't like to be, and because I think its something that needs to be out there. I think people who are recovering, people in their illness who want to recover, and people who are trying to help others recover need to see what having an ED is like. They need to see that recovery is hard, but possible. That it is possible to defeat your ED even when it is screaming in your head.
For me a huge part of recovery is countering all the arguments my ED brings me. In all my time surfing the web looking for some tools to help in my recovery I couldn't come across a blog that did that, so I want to start my own. I want to show people this tool of recovery. I want to help them laugh about recovery and see it can be emotional, but it also can be fun. I want people to see that these conversations don't have to be one-sided. That you can fight ED and overcome. I want people, including me, to see there is freedom from ED. That's why I have created the ED studio (yes it is a corny spin-off of Inside the Actor's Studio which I have never watched). And with that I end the pilot episode and go to have some b-fast, so rest assured there will be conversations with ED to come.
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