ED: You seriously think you are just going to
eat a banana. Not weigh it, just eat it. Are you freaking
stupid. Did your fat drag you down to the floor and you
hit your head.
Me: I was just thinking of trying to aim towards
some form of normalcy. Where a fruit is a fruit. It's a
healthy food, it's not a gram or anything. It's just a piece
of fruit.
ED: And how do you suspect that will turn out for
you. Let me answer since you obviously have left
your sanity in your other head somewhere. Your body
won't adjust, you will start gaining way too fast. All of these
extra calories from food you used to weigh will add up and
you will balloon. Your body will never adjust. You will have
to workout more, but now you are too busy for that. You will
be miserable and fat and all because you had the stupid idea to not
weigh fruit. Plenty of people use food scales, you should be one of
those people.
Me: I've started to realize you use this whole
restricting portions to keep me from ever having to
eat more. When I lose you blame it on the restriction
and keep me from a meal plan increase. When I
gain it's because I'm not restricting enough. Not because my
body is trying to hold onto the few nutrients I give it. So yes I
will eat the damn banana and no I won't measure it.
ED: You know that will mean taking in more calories
right? And what do extra calories do? Make you fat.
Use your logic and stop being an idiot.
Me: Here's the logic bucko. I will eat these extra calories
and because they aren't that many since we are talking
fruits and veggies which aren't that calorically dense....
I won't gain that much more. Plus if I gain more than
I mentally feel capable of I can decrease my meal plan.
I have that control right now. Either way I eventually will be eating
2500 calories as has always been the case at some point in my
weight restoration. This is because my body will adjust. So then I
will eat without worrying about how much a food weighs and I won't have
to worry. I stick to the path you have me on and food isn't food,
it is just more numbers cursing me and my life. Yes, I'm scared shitless.
I'm scared in the next 3 days till my weigh -in my weight will
do crazy things. But I can't live trapped by your rules anymore.
I will take one scary weigh-in over the pain and agony you bring me anyday.
ED: You are never going to be able to eat 2500 calories.
That's why I have kept it from you. You don't deserve
or need that much food.
Me:Maybe I do , maybe I don't. But I will never know what
my body needs unless I give it the right portions. Plus, I'm really tired
of treatment and using all these ED behaviors is just going to
land me back in treatment. And guess what they don't let you do
there....weigh fruit or anything on food scales. They measure
everything, they decide what you eat, and I lose the little freedom
and joy I have right now since I get to choose my meals and my
actions. So all of this points to the only bad thing in not weighing being
3 days of possibly gaining more. Let's say I restrict 500 calories
from weighing (which is unreasonable). Then adding those back in for a
week would only lead to a lb more of gain. This would lead to a 2lb gain
in all for last week if my body hasn't already adjusted to last weeks intake, which
it usually does. One week of gaining an extra pound I can take. A lifetime
with you and your misery I can't stand.
And that's how you beat ED at his own game show. You write it out, talk it out, blog it out. Just get his stupidity out of your head and you will find peace. Will I probably have this dialogue a million more times tonight....yes. But will I need to do it as much tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. No. Slowly ED will be silenced and I will find peace. For now that peace lies in not weighing my fruit. In trusting my teams decision to rid me of a food scale. In not listening to ED and instead listening to me.
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