Episode 11: A Cold Day in ED's Hell

Well I managed to give ED (and myself) a heart attack with a decision I made yesterday. First let's start with the fact that I stepped on the scale and had gained 2 lbs in two days. Add to that the fact that I had decided to skip a day of weighing and ED went crazy.

ED: See this is what happens when you don't weigh
yourself. You balloon.

Me: No, this is what happens when you

don't poop for two days. Jumping on the scale

yesterday wouldn't have changed anything. 

ED: Would have actually because you could

have cut back yesterday to prevent such a drastic 

gain. Now you are going to have to only have one

thing to eat for the whole day. 

Me: Sure every fiber of my being wants to

not eat right now, but I need to. How 

else am I going to poo and how else am

I going to have energy today. My body needs

food. Plus, my parents aren't gonna let me not eat.

ED: Then you will just keep ballooning. 

You are a disgusting excuse for a human. 

Me: Yes, I feel disgusting right now and 

I am scared this will happen. But I am scared

more of dissapointing my family or 

dying or fainting. I can prevent those by eating. Plus

I don't even know for sure this is real weight and 

the only way to find out is stick to my plan. 

ED: That sounds like the stupidest idea ever and

the surest way to get fat.

Me: Well then I am stupid and fat, but I will

be happy and alive so  F*** off.

It took me 4 hours after the weigh-in to actually eat, but I did it. This torment continued for most of the day till I met with my new accountability partner. I was real honest with her and left so motivated I decided I needed to stop cutting back portions, but first I decided to see how bad it was and realized (through backtracking and relogging past days) that I had been skimping a significant number of calories. This freaked me out as I, prompted by ED, cut myself down about gaining on such a small amount. Then I shared my thoughts with some people and realized it was because I was shutting down my metabolism yet again by eating too little. So I went a little crazy researching and decided to increase my calories till I got to 2500 (this will be gradual). I was supposed to be doing that many anyway, but restricted when I lost my nutritionist, and always restricted portions. Well, increasing calories when you are gaining doesn't sit so well with ED. 

ED: What the fuck has come over you?

Do you want to become a fat ass? Do you

want to balloon?

Me: No, I want to repair my metabolism and

in order to do that I have to eat more. It's like

putting wood in a fire. If you don't put enough in 

the fire dies away, but if you put in enough and 

keep "feeding" it the fire will roar. Food is the wood 

and my metabolism is the fire. I don't want

to have to restrict the rest of my life. 

ED: Then you need to lose more weight because you

are going to gain a lot fast doing this. 

Me: I will do it gradually and will adjust if needed, 

but I can't lose anymore. I don't even know what

that would entail calorie and health-wise. I don't 

want to restrict and gain anymore eating too little.

It's time to start now. I am scared shitless to gain

but hey that's already happening anyway.

ED: You know how big you are going to be. Prob

gain 10 lbs a week and be fat by next week. 

Me: Well most of that will be water weight.

Sure the research showed significant gains, but

it was all water weight and only when people

did a drastic increase, but I am gonna do it

more gradual. And if it doesn't work 

then I can always go back to my old ways and 

lose the weight. 

ED: Nope it will be too late then. You will be

too fat. Why are you undoing all your hard work.

Me: Hard work is fighting you. Restricting had

become such a trap and way of life that it was easy.

So now I am doing the hard work and

now I am strong. Preety soon 

my metabolism will be as well. So peace out.

ED kept going the whole day but I am happy to report I have been increasing and getting right portions for the past two days and I actually have dropped some of the water weight so I am happy. I am scared, but I will keep fighting and as always will keep you posted. And don't worry....ED will be a frequent to the studio. I honestly thought hell would have to ice over before I would decide and want to not restrict portions and definitely before I increased when I was gaining. Well, I guess hell better get some jackets.