Episode 15: Changes, Control, Coasters

So welcome to Inside the ED [Recovery] Studio. That's right....there's been a little change of management that led to a name change. Basically, I just don't want to wallow in my disorder anymore. Sure I will put some conversations up but I really want this blog to help people, including myself, recover. How can I do that if the whole focus (including the name) is ED. It would be like breaking up with a boyfriend, but keeping his pics in your room just for the heck of it. So welcome to the new studio :) It seems a little brighter in here don't you think.
Onto some changes in my life going on right now. Well, I'm back at college and seeing (well communicating through e-mail with an appt this week) my new old nutritionist. Basically I saw her last year and am seeing her again. She is amazing and I am super excited. In fact I got the stupid brilliant idea to ask her if it would be better for me to go to exchange based instead of calorie based eating plan. She was ecstatic I asked and guess who is moving to exchange based system. Yep, me. Of course this bring 5 bigillion fears especially since I am now eating 6 fat exchanges whereas before I was getting maybe one. It's nice though because its the plan I was on at Renfrew so there is some comfort there. I have been on it for 3 days now and even added some snacks of my own because I was hungry (I know, who would have thought I would listen to and respect my body, trust me it is only through prayer I have done it). It is actually quite exciting. It's almost like someone gave me "permission" to eat fats again. So I am enjoying eating peanut butter, olive, AND almonds all IN THE SAME DAY. I didn't even get those all in in the same week let alone in the same day.
So through freaking out when I got the "Go to exchanges e-mail" I learned something. I realized the only reason I wanted to cling onto some form of calorie counting (which I will admit I am still doing "just to see") was for control. Being able to choose where my calories came from and not have anyone tell me what to eat gave me this twisted sense of control. Of course, I had no control. All of my decisions were based on numbers swirling around my head, choking me in their twisted cords. No decision was right. If it was low fat, it was too high sugar, not enough fiber, too much sodium, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't get it right. Now I have exchanges (at least for meals) and its hard because my mind says no that's too much fat, but I know it is okay to have because it is part of my exchanges. It makes choosing meals a little a whole lot scarier, but also there is freedom in it. If I am craving a different kind of fruit I can choose in the moment to have it without worrying about logging or where I am going to add or lose the calories somewhere else.
So by doing exchanges I am giving a lot of control of my food over to my team, as I should have been doing in the first place. Maybe I can one day trust myself enough to go back to calories but right now that would be like telling a kindergartener to do Advanced Calculus....it would just end in chaos. I am just too wrapped up in the numbers and confusion of what is "healthy" eating to make any decision. When I first logged in my new exchanges I was shocked by how low the calories were. At first I said, no no snacks. But then when my tummy was growling I realized I needed to eat more. That was another scary thing to do....to admit I needed something and fulfill the need. So I am still tracking and trying to hit a calorie minimum but I only get my freedom in snacks.
The whole snack choosing has shown me how much I actually like the structure of exchanges. Because as soon as I go to choose a snack I question each choice. Is this healthy? Should I pair it with a protein? Is that too high in sugar? Am I eating too many carbs? But with exchanges it's so easy much more doable. When questions come I just say "My nutritionist told me to do this and that it was healthy. I am going to trust in her and her education and knowledge in the area I am lacking and just eat this exchange because I want it."
So wanted to leave you with a little illustration to show you how this is making me feel. It reminds me of riding my 1st ever roller coaster (I had a huge fear of them until I was 16 and rode my first one). This moment in my life is like climbing that first hill. There is excitement and fear. At moments the fear overwhelms and at other moments the excitement takes over. Either way its an emotional wait to get to the top. Then you get to the peak (pretty much every time I make a decision), you hold your breath for a breif second, hands shoot up, and you drop. That drop is so exhilirating, such a release, and the excitement takes over. Right now I am making the climb and every time I finish a meal it is like the exhiliration of the drop. Then at the end of the day, when the roller coaster pulls in to the station and it's time to unload I realize it really wasn't that bad and look for the next roller coaster to board. The next way to challenge myself. The next drop to experience.