So today was the one, the only, meal plan increase day. I am supposed to increase every 3-5 days till I get to 2500. Today my weight also happened to go up so of course ED freaked. I knew I shouldn't weigh, but alas I gave in and did it. But, my Father happened to make this a good thing because it showed me I am strong enough to get through. I didn't give in to ED's shouts and screams to restrict portions and finally tonight I cracked.
I realized I began using the food scale again and true it has been helpful and I have only added to portions, not taken away, but it just takes so much time. It would be so much easier to just measure things with cups and spoons and such (if they can be measured that way). Honestly, it just makes it harder for me to eat when I am thinking of the grams that I am eating. It won't be easy to eat with cups and spoons and such, but the scale has become a headache. I get so scared and I remeasure things 5 bigillion times just to check. It's like I am in disbelief that the packaging companies don't lie.
So I want to be "normal." Whatever normal is? I guess for me my immediate normal to aim for is to use cups and spoons not the food scale. To weigh once a week. To eat what my body wants without worrying about fat, sodium, sugar or any of that stuff. To feed my body more when it is hungry. To enjoy working out (this has begun to happen again). To listen to my team and other supports advice. To push myself to do fear foods more often. To worry about more in life than just food. To enjoy life AND food.
ED is freaking out already. He is shouting I will gain weight, I will be fat, no one will like me, blah, blah, blah. Well NEWS FLASH nobody is going to sit back and let me not gain weight. They are gonna ship me off to treatment before that happens or just keep increasing my meal plan. So I can give in and enjoy the journey, or I can be the annoying kicking, screaming kid being dragged through recovery by my ear. And if I choose the later I will just end up back in the predicament or die on my way to getting here. I choose to enjoy this process. I choose to cherish the tears, pain, and fear it brings, because then I won't want to go back. Then I will see how strong I am when I turn things over to God.
I know I can recover. The weight gain scares me, but if I get honest not recovering completely scares me more. Semi-recovering (aka still obsessively measuring, exercising, or weighing) scares me more because it will leave a door open to relapse and if I freaking gain this weight yet again (what is this the third time...hey at least its a charm) I want it to be the last time. And what scares me even more is dying. I can't come back from that. I can't say oops I made a mistake let me fix that. Nope, it will be the end.
So here's to recovery. Here's to enjoying the ride as much as is possible. Here's to my future. Here's to fully living. Here's to taking control from ED and giving it to God :)
So if you don't see conversations with ED don't worry, we are just venturing inside the recovery studio and I want to focus on the fears of recovery as I think not a lot of people know about that. Whose with me?
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