So weird thing happened today and thought I would share in case this craziness happens to anyone else ever. Basically I have been increasing cals but am still losing weight. It scares me so much because I'm almost to a weight I said I would never let myself get to and now I can't control the loss. I keep increasing, it keeps going. Scares me and also makes me trust my body more.
Anywho, my therapist noticed today and she weighed me and freaked out to say the least. So she called my nutritionist who has been out for a month due to an injury and, to make a long story short, they decided I needed to be checked in inpatient. Well, I know my truth that I am doing as I need to and so I had them call my mom. And guess what? She spoke the truth and let them know I didn't need treatment. Well, actually she let my therapist know and guess who my therapist didn't pass this onto? My nutritionist.
So when I e-mailed my nutritionist to ask her to please, please help me figure out something she basically responded that she was no longer going to help me and that I needed treatment. So I freaked out and cried yet again. Then I prayed and took a deep breath and realized something: my nutritionist presence (or lack thereof) was actually getting in my way of recovery. Here is what I mean.
One, she was injured and thus I couldn't ever meet with her. She wasn't respond to e-mail or phone calls and thus I wasn't getting the support I needed.
Second, any time I would think, "Hey I need to increase this or that" or "Maybe I shouldn't do this or that anymore" I would e-mail her first before changing anything, but she wouldn't respond. So I was almost waiting for approval knowing I wouldn't get it for a few days.
Third, even when I did see her she was very judgemental and just was making me feel like all food was just meant to make me gain weight. It was all about how I wasn't doing enough yet she wasn't listening when I told her I hadn't been honest about what I was doing. She just wanted me eating a bunch of calories but never explained why. I need someone who explains the reasons.
Well here is the good news. I have till the 13th to do this on my own, without needing approval, just support and then the best thing ever....I get to see my school nutritionist again. She is good for all the reasons the other was bad.
One, she is available to meet all the time, her office got moved to right across from the dorm I will live in. She also responds to e-mails almost instants M-Fri. Always with thought out responses not one or two words.
Second, she lies out my goals so concretely that I know what I need to be doing and when I don't I can e-mail her or really just go see her and it will be instant feedback. She is also very willing to do this because she knows I need it.
Third, she explains why I need to do what I do. This helps me see that it is for my health. She actually doesn't specialize in ED but is a health nutritionist or something like that. She basically works to help people eat healthier and she explained to me and made me realize that it's not just people who eat too much fat or cals or whatever that eat unhealthy, but also me who don't eat enough of that.
I love the school nutritionist because she seems to care about me as a person and pushes me not just with cals and gaining but also fear foods. We meet as long as we need and she is free. She just takes the time to make sure I know everything I need to do. And she helps me navigate the dining hall and portion sizes. She is about getting me healthy not fat, and though ED says its the same I know its not. I know this nutritionist wants me to eat healthy and thus will get me a healthy body. She is also spiritual which helps as well.
So perhaps this pain is for the better. This loss means gaining something so much more.
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