Episode 4: Just give up

So this morning I looked in the mirror and this is the chaos that ensued. A lot of this has come from the fact that my nutritionist can't see me for a while due to a health problem. So I have to monitor my own weight and intake and have fought the urge to restrict. In fact, part of me feels better about making the changes because now I feel like I can prove to myself not using any ED symptoms or any food scale (have given it up) won't result in ballooning. 

ED: Wow! Look at those fat rolls. And that huge

belly. Told you you should have started restricting again. 

Just a tiny break till your nutritionist comes back. This is

your chance to see how much more weight you can lose. 

Me: But my nutritionist would be much happier

if I keep fighting and show her I have gained on my

own and can do this. 

ED: But look what it is doing to this body you have

fought to make. You look disgusting and huge. Double chin, 

fat on your hips, puffy cheeks, thighs are starting to touch, 

you are just a jiggly piece of jello now. 

Me: Today I feel that way, but the only way

for that feeling to go away forever is to not listen to 

you at all.I need to push through and not restrict. 

Plus I get to monitor my weight twice a week

so I will know if things start happening "too fast"

and then I will consult my dietician on what to do. 

ED: The proof is in the mirror. You are gaining too 

much and you can tell. You don't need to gain

weight. You look fine right now. 

Me: You're right to a degree. I don't feel I need

to gain weight but my team and family say otherwise. 

They are in healthy mindsets so I need to listen 

to them not to my mind which is full of your thoughts. 

ED: Just keep a few of your actions with you. 

Leave behind a little bit on your plate, 

exercise a little more some days. Just so that

way you still have some control in your life. 

Me: How the hell is that control.That is just giving into 

your ideas and theories about me and who I am. 

The only thing I am scared of giving in is gaining too much

too fast, but I can make adjustments or my body will

make adjustments to that. What I can't adjust to is 

listening to you in which there is fear of me dying.

If that fear comes true I can't undo it. So I need to give

in. I'm scared shitless, but I have to do it. 

ED: You aren't going to be able to do it.

You know you are going to fail.You won't

fail at restricting and continuing these behaviors. 

It's easy to listen to me and you are too weak and 

pathetic to fight me. 

Me: Well I am going to try. I am going to eat so

I get stronger so I can overcome you and what you tell

me. I am done with you.  Some days I may slip up, 

but I will defeat you once and for all because

in my weakness I find strength in God.

ED: Fine go get fat. I will be here when you fail. 

So now I feel huge, I feel scared, but I am claiming those feelings as victory. They mean I am fighting ED and right now that is what I need to do.I am scared to recover, but I am going to have to do it one way or another. I want to recover outpatient so I can be hope for others that that kind of recovery is possible.I want to give my nutritionist the biggest get well gift and show her I can gain weight. I even reached out to my family and told them to not let me leave anything on my plate. I can and will recover. I am scared I will gain too much, but if that happens I will ask my nutritionist and possibly decrease my intake, but I don't want to go below 2,300 cals. If I don't gain at least .5 lb a week (so at least .3 by Thursdays and .5 by Sundays) then I will increase calories by 100. This is my plan. I will stick to it and I will recover.