Studio Update

So school has been hectic so this won't be a full-on post just a brief update so you all can see that recovery is quite possible.
I made the switch over to exchanges and haven't logged calories in a week now. Honestly it has been the most liberating time ever. This past week has also been terrifying as my doc put the take-away school threat on me if I don't start gaining .5-1 lb per week. Luckily she took it away but it did lead to emergency meeting with nutritionist where she showed me where my meal plan is headed. It's scary but seems doable. Already have been able to increase starch, fat, and veggies.
Just left her appt and though she isn't increasing my meal plan she is adding structured risk. Basically she made me realize I am blessed to not be in inpatient, but mentally I have slipped a lot. A lot of foods that weren't so scary I am again terrified of. A lot of it is because I am having to trust exchanges, but its still not good. I also mentally due to my low weight need more structure to help my mind and body cope. So here is her idea of structured risk.
1. Since I had a pretty much mental breakdown over having to eat a turkey burger and when I did eat it I squeezed it to death to get out all the "grease" (in reality it was probably juice and water) and then fought for over 30 minutes on whether or not to leave some behind (went with not leaving any behind and got it all in), my nutritionist has made it part of my weekly plan. So I now have earned the lovely opportunity to have a turkey burger once a week. 

2. Second, because I decided to tell her how much I wish I was in the same place mentally as when I left Renfrew and was doing three desserts a week I have to do desserts now. She is fine if they are "safe" especially since a lot of desserts upset my stomach, but mentally I am so scared because I can no longer justify eating fro yo as okay even though in the spring semester it was my go to Boost equivalent because it was fat free and easy. Now every Wednesday I have to do fro yo as my Boost equivalent. I have to add something (graham cracker, banana, gummies, etc) to increase cals to Boost cals as well. 

3. Last, but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST this week she wants me to do a "real" dessert. For me this means one of the cookies or vegan desserts because my tum tum can handle those and I was semi-okay with that until she dropped this bomb on me. At first it was going to be able to count as Boost equivalent as long as I finished it all but NOT COUNT AS A FAT. If I only finished half it could count as a fat. This came from me telling her at Renfrew having 2 cookies, or a cake slice, or whatever was only a fat. No starch, not 2 fats, just 1 fat. We went back and forth on this for awhile with me trying to get a compromise or something. To take it slowly or something. Then I saw this strange look come across her face....like a crazy lightbulb went off and she said...."Let me start again. I have a new idea." This is her new idea: this week I have to do a regular dessert and not count it at all. Not as a fat, not as a Boost exchange, its just an extra "little" something for me to do. 

Number one had me anxious, number two had me shaking in my boots, and number three may just cause me to have a mental breakdown. But then I stopped and thought about it. If I manage to do all three goals (which I will because I am an overacheiving people-pleaser) and I don't balloon like my mind is telling me.....then imagine the trust of my body I will gain. Really...just stop and imagine. I will be free to not squeeze my burgers to death, I will be free to have fro yo and not think of sugar, and I will be free to have a little something extra when my body wants. So maybe my nutritionist knows what she is doing :)

All I know is this week is gonna push my trust, but I am going to turn it all prayerfully over to God. He has already allowed me to stop logging which I thought was impossible. He has allowed me the freedom in not pre-planning as much (for example today I didn't pre-plan b-fast or lunch and just not at 4pm planned snacks and dinner for today). He has allowed me to start distancing myself from thinking in terms of calories because I haven't been logging them. Now I choose what I want to eat not what I should eat calorically. He has allowed me to be open with my family again. He has allowed me victory and I declare in His name that this victory shall continue. I want to recover, and with God by my side nothing, not even an unrecorded vegan cupcake can hold me back.