First let's start with lunch. I got the right portions and told myself I would not leave that dang table until I finished everything. Of course I was nannying and the girls constant whines made me expedite the process.
ED: You have to stop eating now .
Me: Can't you leave me alone?
ED: I can't let you become that fat kid again.
Me: Thanks jerk. You are so freaking nice.
ED: Truth hurts. Now stop eating. Leave behind a few
pretzels, carrots, grapes, and a part of that sandwich. It won't
hurt anything I promise.
Me: It if won't hurt to not eat it, then it won't hurt
to eat it.
ED: No! If you eat it you will balloon.
Me: That makes total sense. Not eating won't hurt aka
I won't lose weight, but eat them and I will balloon.
Sorry but that doesn't work. Not eating means less cals which
means weight loss. Eating the cals just means preventing loss.
And you say I have the issues.
ED: You can't trust your body. Just leave some
food behind and see what happens.
Me: Like I did last week when I lost the 2 lbs I fought so hard
to gain. How about I don't trust you, eat all my lunch, and see.
ED: Because you will gain too fast.
Me: Okay so this one week I gain too fast. Me and my
nutritionist will adjust then. It can't do too much bad.
ED: That won't help. You'll just keep gaining. Everyone
will see you as fat.
Me: Because that's what happened in the past. Like how I gained 3 lbs then
the next week lost 2 lbs because I listened to you and didn't fully commit
to recovery. Obviously if I wanted to I could control my weight again,
but I' m getting tired of that. And everyone is proud of me when I gain weight
except you. This is a democracy, and you are in the losing minority.
ED: You want to be that fat kid again?
Me: No. I want to be healthy and alive. That means
eating my meals, gaining weight, and telling you to F off.
This week I'm choosing life. So F off. I'm going to eat lunch.
ED: No you're not. You fat, ugly, wimp.
Me: Yummy pretzels. Oh look you are all gone.
Onto the sandwich....sooooo good (eats all of lunch
in a taunting way).
So I got through lunch and a snack without restricting and then ED starting screaming to exercise again. It's still going on but here's a glimpse of the convesation.
ED: Alrighty, as soon as you get home go do another walk.
And definitely an ab workout. You are getting flabby just
sitting around all day.
Me: I already did my 25 minute walk and thus I have
been active enough today. I have done what my team
reccomends and am doing the 30 minutes and that's it.
ED: So you are going to trust the team who
just wants you to be fat.
Me: No. I am going to trust the team who is
trying to fight for the healthy voice inside of me that
you have silenced. I am going to listen to the team who wants
me to live. Plus, I don't feel like doing another workout and I
don't have too. The sooner I do the exercise I'm supposed to
and stop the sooner I can gain the weight to do more intense
exercises.
ED: If you don't go workout then what about
those extra calories you ate earlier by not listening to me.
Me: Hey stupid. Extra means outside of what you need
and I ate my meal plan which means I ate what I needed.
No extras, just necessary calories.Ones I need for my body to
heal not to go burn off.
ED: Just one little walk won't hurt.
Me: Seriously the won't hurt argument again . That's getting old.
I am not going to listen to you so shut up now.
ED: I will shut up as soon as you start exercising.
Me: No you will just shut up for 5 seconds and tell me to
do more. The only way to find peace is to let you tire yourself out.
So you keep blabbing and I'm gonna keep living life.
So as of right now I haven't acted in symptoms today. ED is going off but I am choosing not to listen. I am determined to win the fight today. Just this one day, one moment, I will make the right decisions. I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
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