Once again not a conversation with ED just a blog about another ED-related experience.
I had a weigh-in this morning. That's right, I am stepping on a scale and weighing myself. Right now I am without a nutritionist so that's the only way to know how my body is reacting to the nutrition. This has been my first week without overexercise and without a food scale and my weight wasn't up at all. It's crazy. Does this mean I can trust my body? I am just so confused.
Also, still feel crappy from the passing out and doc appointments yesterday but I am hoping that will pass so I can enjoy my yoga tonight. My nutritionist also wrote me and said I have to increase my fat intake and get my act together or I need to go to residential treatment yet again.
It's so frustrating. I try and tell people how freeing this is that I didn't gain even though I made these changes my mind was convinced would make me balloon. Instead of supporting this huge improvement in my mindset. The brief sigh of relief that ED really is a liar (a relief I have been waiting for since my last weigh-in Saturday) I am hit with remarks of anger. That I need to take away exercise and don't realize the severity of my issues. I realize the severity and realize it isn't that severe. I have been in treatment before, I know what severe looks like. Just because this is the sickest I have been (by only 2 lbs I might add not by medical standards) doesn't mean my case is severe. I don't need a feeding tube shoved down my throat and I'm not a slip away from the hospital. I am sick yes, but I'm not severe.
So I took this relief. Yes, I know I need to gain weight. Yes, I realize everyone else wishes I would gain already, but I am trying to learn in this process too and I learned I can trust my body. I guess I must silently celebrate this victory that breaks 13-year chains by myself though. I am pushing myself and it seems like everyone just looks at how far I'm not pushing. Let me inform all of you non-ED people that this does not help the recovering ED patient at all. This makes us want to give up. This makes us feel bad and guilty about ourselves and we shut down. Then we get mad and whatever you say we shouldn't do we desire to do all the more.
I mean I have a plan. I may still be restricting and just need to concentrate and check my portions (sometimes I leave stuff behind on the plate) and if that doesn't make my weight improve by Saturday/Sunday then I will take away exercise and if that doesn't help then I will do a meal plan increase. I'm not letting myself lose or slip, I am just learning while I go. People want me to nix the exercise now but the exercise (which is walks and yoga nothing strenuous) keep me sane and keep me feeling like I am getting more toned. That my nutrition is going to do something not just make me fat. Even when I was first admitted to residential I got to do dance therapy multiple times a week and walk around the campus as much as I wanted and I had medical issues then.
I guess I'm just frustrated. I am afraid to tell people I was excited my weight wasn't up because they automatically take that in a disordered fashion, but its not how I meant it. I mean that it shows me my body really will adjust to intake, that I won't keep on gaining, that I don't have to control my body or food (granted I still have some food control I need to let go off). Had my weight gone up I wouldn't have been upset I just would have still had the anxieties about how the food affects my body. Granted they would be minimized because I wouldn't have ballooned, but right now they are all but gone.
Also, let's look ahead at all the goals I am putting in place. I am increasing my fat intake. I have added a rest day to my week. I am facing two fear foods tonight. So to me it is obvious I am making progress. I am not trying to be stable or lose weight, I am just recovering and learning. Learning my body, learning myself, just enjoying the process as much as it can be enjoyed. I know my weight will go up. Perhaps it will be when I finish all that's on my plate, perhaps it will be when I take away exercise, perhaps it will be a meal plan increase that does it but it doesn't matter. It will happen and I am okay with that. But can I just enjoy this sigh of relief that I put faith in God and my body and it worked out. Can I be allowed one exhale or must I keep everything held in tight and wait for the next moment it all explodes? I just want one "that a girl." I will even take a "I'm so proud you made this discovery, but here is what needs to happen next." But I guess that's another lesson I am going to have to learn is that I have to provide these things for myself. Like how I comforted myself when I was a child because my parents weren't capable. So here it goes. "That a girl, Jess. I am so proud you are taking this journey. I'm so proud you trusted your body and your team's recommendation for the food scale. Let's keep up the good work. Know that we do have to gain weight though so you have to ensure those portions. Next step is no exercise and upping meal plan, okay? But good job, keep it up"
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