Episode 8: There's Hope

Another non-ED convo post, but ED and me aren't having conversations lately because frankly I haven't had the time. I just wanted to post to give you all hope :)
Basically the same night as Episode 7, there was an "episode" at my house that involved yelling, people threatening to leave, tears, therapists on the phone, pretty much the makings of the best reality show ever, but it wasn't such a pretty reality. The good news is the fight did end, my family reunited, and I made a two-day contract. I promised, for just two days, that I wouldn't restrict portions, wouldn't exercise, and would record my cals properly. I would then check my weight on my Sunday weigh-in and if I wanted I could go back to the way things were. Well....it's Monday night (day 4) and I'm still going strong. I feel more free with food and my body now. The ballooning fear still comes, but it has yet to happen. Here is a low-down of how the two days of contract went though.

Day 1
Tons of ED yelling at me and telling me I would balloon. Didn't help that my favorite dog was determined to be heartworm positive and thus would have to be put down. It took me the full lunch hour to eat everything I packed, I felt full beyond belief after, and ED started telling me I needed to be active when I got home from work. Then I got the bad news about the dog and couldn't bear to bring myself to eat my snack for the ride home. When I got home I talked it out with my stepmom though and let her know all the triggers floating around in my head. We played Bananagrams and I eventually got all my snacks and dinner in without restricting. I did decide to lower my cal limit, but only because my stomach was in so much pain. Honestly, the only way I stuck through was reminding myself it was just for two days. I couldn't ballon that much in two days and if I did I could always go back to restricting and would lose it. Sure this was semi-disordered, but it shut ED up enough for me to get through the day.

Day 2
Woke up with tons of guilt and felt huge. It was a struggle not to do my Sat am yoga as usual, but I just tried to keep busy by cleaning, journaling, doing crafts, anything. Had family therapy and went to store which took up time, but also pushed my lunch back to 4pm (usually eat at 12pm :-O). Planned to go bowling that night with the fam and just reminded myself that it was just one more day and I could go back to normal. It was way hard and I ended up having to eat 1,100 calories after 10pm that night. It was rough and there was tons of guilt.

Weigh-in day
The fateful day arrived. I literally was shaking as I got out my scale (I hide it from myself because its easier to avoid the temptation to weigh every day instead of the two days a week I agreed to). As I stepped on I closed my eyes just enough to see my fate while hiding from the fear that ensued. This resembled that kid in the scary movie that is way too young to be watching it but doesn't want anyone to know so they squint their eyes in horror while trying to hold them open to hold onto their dignity. I took a breathe and opened my eyes completely and the scale had moved a measily .2 lbs. That's it. That's all the fear, anguish, tears, and torment of consuming more cals (both through not restricting and not exercising) was about. Instantly peace came over me. Recovery was possible and my body could be trusted. I have been going pretty strong since then. Like I said I still fear my weigh-in Thursday the ballooning will have happened, but I am also a very scientific person and right now the scientific facts of the scale point to this not happening. Plus, if I haven't lost any (aka maintained or gained) I will allow myself back two days of yoga a week (was walking and doing abs daily with yoga three times a week).

As it nears Independence Day I realize that I now have hope that I can be independent from my ED. From the chaos, torment, and lies it tells me. There will still be conversations, trust me, but I believe they will lessen. All I had to do was jump in completely to recovery for just two days, and my eyes and heart were opened to a future filled with so many more days to conquer. It's scary, but then again so is an ED. Some days were miserable, but so is an ED. In the end though I feel so much happier and lighter (yes, lighter....even though I gained I feel lighter) and that's something ED can never bring.