Episode 6: Spin my head right round

So let me fill you in on how crazy today has been and then we will get into the converstation with ED going on at this very moment (this is like breaking news story so prepare yourself). So this morning my alarm to take my meds which must be taken hours before I eat decided not to go off so when I woke up to get ready for work I realized I had to completely change my b-fat plans so they were portable (this isn't easy when you have anorexia and OCD and thus don't like changing food plans). Not only that but I was ravenously hungry this morning (again strange since I haven't been weighing foods and thus feel I am eating more and have cut down on working out so in reality shouldn't I not be hungry). Anywho, I packed b-fast and went to work. I was feeling tired from the lack of food so picked up a Coke Zero to have with my b-fast. Well I get to work and everything is fine. Three hours pass and I can finally eat b-fast. So I grab the Coke Zero and my b-fast and go back to the surgery room (I work at a vets office). I take a sip of the Coke Zero, get a huge stomach cramp, and the room starts spinning. I automatically knew when shaking added to the spinning that this plane was going down and fast (aka I was about to pass out). I asked to go sit down and next thing I know I'm waking up on the floor. Oh boy! So fast forward, the vet tech comes to check on me, I tell her I passed out and she said I should probably go home. A few minutes late though I felt better than I have in weeks. It's like passing out set the reset button in my head. So I ate (which made me nauseous) and went back to surgery. Begged the team to let me stay at work, but they said I needed to go home. Luckily got a few more internship hours before my dad came to follow me home. And now I came home, cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen, and organized all because of this dialogue in my head....

ED: So it's your rest day which means you
won't exercise and now your active job is taken
so you are just a fat lazy bum today. And who passes
out at work. You used to be able to go hours without eating
and now you can't. All the people at the office are probably making
fun of you right now. You are just a fat loser.

Me: I know I feel fine. It was stupid of me

to even tell them I passed out. I shouldn't have said

anything.  Then I could still be at work and no

one would have known. I like that job

because it makes me feel active and now

I don't have that so I am going to balloon. 

ED: Exactly. So get off your fat ass and go do stuff.

I mean go exercise or something. Look at those flabby

thighs they could use some toning. 

Me: But I can't exercise. I promised myself a rest day. 

And I have the weigh-in tomorrow and if 

weight isn't up then I don't get any exercise. Why?

Had I not said anything none of this would have happened.

ED: Once again you failed and caused

yourself to have to take actions that are going to

make you fat. Great job idiot. 

Me: I'm so embarassed. Maybe a little exercise won't hurt. 

No, no....I can't go there. But I am so scared what the scale

will say because of this. Am I going to be huge tomorrow. 

I just need to go be active. Clean my room, do some chores, something. 

Ugh....I'm just fat. I feel it clining to my body. I'm fat and stupid.

What the hell is wrong with me. 

ED: Exactly. Now go get moving. Stop

talking. Talking doesn't burn, moving does.

Go, go, go. 

So I have been doing active things. It just annoys me that I had to go home. Being at this job at least makes me not feel lazy on my rest days, but then some days I go to internship ED says I need to workout more because I'm lazy so I don't know. It is all warped to please him and his desires for me. So I am really fighting hard not to go workout, but its not working so well. That's why I am trying to stay busy. This sucks. It absolutely sucks. If this wasn't a rest day it would be fine. But it is so now I have to sit with feeling lazy and fat and not being able to do anything about it. So scared about weigh-in tomorrow so that doesn't help either. What to do? What to do?