So this isn't so much a conversation with ED as I really don't have the energy or time for him today, but a major realization that started from a stupid comment by ED himself. Basically I've been doing awesome these past two days and took my 1st rest day from any physical activity in 9 months yesterday. It was a struggle to fight back the urges to restrict yesterday and to not exercise in secret but I managed to.
Well I woke up these morning with the biggest urge to weigh myself (the people I nanny have a scale). I kept trying to push the urge down instead of facing it head on and when I got to nannying the girls were asleep, the parents were gone, and it was just me, myself, ED, and the scale. I literally paced the floor going to the bathroom where the scale is, changing my mind and turning back, only to return to the bathroom and the scale. Finally I did the not-so-good thing and gave in. I stepped on the scale and when the numbers flashed back at me I freaked. It just seemed like too much gain in such a short amount of time. I automatically had the instinct to decide what to change in my life to slow the gain, but then something happened. Instead of listening to those thoughts I lifted them to God. Then something hit me (not literally though a nice slap upside the head for even getting on the scale was rightfully earned).
I realized I am done. I'm done with letting a machine rule my life and recovery. These past two days sure I have been more anxious, but I've also been happier and had more energy. So what's more important, controlling my gain or feeling joy again, feeling non-caffeine induced energy, and reclaiming my life. Hint: there are three answers and none involve the word gain. So there is a little restriction I am still doing and I say f*** ED and the scale, I'm going to stop them today. I mean geez I'm already gaining might as well just keep the fun times rolling, what's the worst that happens...I gain weight....oh wait that's already happening so nothing. I mean I may feel more joy, more energy, be able to poop without stool softeners (for any of you ED sufferers you know the importance of that), gain back my metabolism.....wow don't those sound sucky. Nope they don't, but I was going to let a scale, a stupid machine whose accuracy no one really knows, hold me back from that. So I'm done.
I'm done with the control, lies, and stupidity of the scale. I want my life back and it stands in my way. If there were a million dollars at the end of a road and all that stood in my way was a stupid scale I would pick it up and throw it against a wall till it shattered as I ran to claim the million dollars. How much more important is saving my life than a million dollars? A load more. I mean for one, the longer I'm alive, the more times I can play the lotto and win millions of dollars.
So ED is pissed right now and sure he is screaming. He's telling me I will balloon, get fat, blah, blah, blah. Granted he also wants my meal plan to decrease and the only freaking way that will happen is if I balloon so there's no downside to this at all.
I won't lie I'm scared. I'm scared I will fail and I'm sure I will. But then what is failure. Is failure struggling and then getting back on track, no. Failure is struggling and not telling anyone. Failure is staying knocked down in defeat and not fighting to claim victory. Failure is giving up and giving in to ED and I am not a failure.
I can't promise that I won't step on a scale again just to see. That's unrealistic for me. What I can promise is that a few numbers won't control my life. My life will be controlled by God. My motivation won't come from controlling numbers but from controlling my future, my joy, my energy, and perhaps even my bowel movements haha. ED won't stand for this, he will get pissed, but it's understandable. I've been his bff for 13 years and I'm slowly walking away. I guess my ED is scared too, but in this fear I won't choose to go running back to his arms. Instead I will toss him aside and run to my life that's dangling at the end of this road. I will run back to my Father's arms where he will hold me and protect me. I will run back to freedom and I will find the light.
No comments:
Post a Comment