Episode 7: Let me exhale

Once again not a conversation with ED just a blog about another ED-related experience.
I had a weigh-in this morning. That's right, I am stepping on a scale and weighing myself. Right now I am without a nutritionist so that's the only way to know how my body is reacting to the nutrition. This has been my first week without overexercise and without a food scale and my weight wasn't up at all. It's crazy. Does this mean I can trust my body? I am just so confused.
Also, still feel crappy from the passing out and doc appointments yesterday but I am hoping that will pass so I can enjoy my yoga tonight. My nutritionist also wrote me and said I have to increase my fat intake and get my act together or I need to go to residential treatment yet again.
It's so frustrating. I try and tell people how freeing this is that I didn't gain even though I made these changes my mind was convinced would make me balloon. Instead of supporting this huge improvement in my mindset. The brief sigh of relief that ED really is a liar (a relief I have been waiting for since my last weigh-in Saturday) I am hit with remarks of anger. That I need to take away exercise and don't realize the severity of my issues. I realize the severity and realize it isn't that severe. I have been in treatment before, I know what severe looks like. Just because this is the sickest I have been (by only 2 lbs I might add not by medical standards) doesn't mean my case is severe. I don't need a feeding tube shoved down my throat and I'm not a slip away from the hospital. I am sick yes, but I'm not severe.
So I took this relief. Yes, I know I need to gain weight. Yes, I realize everyone else wishes I would gain already, but I am trying to learn in this process too and I learned I can trust my body. I guess I must silently celebrate this victory that breaks 13-year chains by myself though. I am pushing myself and it seems like everyone just looks at how far I'm not pushing. Let me inform all of you non-ED people that this does not help the recovering ED patient at all. This makes us want to give up. This makes us feel bad and guilty about ourselves and we shut down. Then we get mad and whatever you say we shouldn't do we desire to do all the more.
I mean I have a plan. I may still be restricting and just need to concentrate and check my portions (sometimes I leave stuff behind on the plate) and if that doesn't make my weight improve by Saturday/Sunday then I will take away exercise and if that doesn't help then I will do a meal plan increase. I'm not letting myself lose or slip, I am just learning while I go. People want me to nix the exercise now but the exercise (which is walks and yoga nothing strenuous) keep me sane and keep me feeling like I am getting more toned. That my nutrition is going to do something not just make me fat. Even when I was first admitted to residential I got to do dance therapy multiple times a week and walk around the campus as much as I wanted and I had medical issues then.
I guess I'm just frustrated. I am afraid to tell people I was excited my weight wasn't up because they automatically take that in a disordered fashion, but its not how I meant it. I mean that it shows me my body really will adjust to intake, that I won't keep on gaining, that I don't have to control my body or food (granted I still have some food control I need to let go off). Had my weight gone up I wouldn't have been upset I just would have still had the anxieties about how the food affects my body. Granted they would be minimized because I wouldn't have ballooned, but right now they are all but gone.
Also, let's look ahead at all the goals I am putting in place. I am increasing my fat intake. I have added a rest day to my week. I am facing two fear foods tonight. So to me it is obvious I am making progress. I am not trying to be stable or lose weight, I am just recovering and learning. Learning my body, learning myself, just enjoying the process as much as it can be enjoyed. I know my weight will go up. Perhaps it will be when I finish all that's on my plate, perhaps it will be when I take away exercise, perhaps it will be a meal plan increase that does it but it doesn't matter. It will happen and I am okay with that. But can I just enjoy this sigh of relief that I put faith in God and my body and it worked out. Can I be allowed one exhale or must I keep everything held in tight and wait for the next moment it all explodes? I just want one "that a girl." I will even take a "I'm so proud you made this discovery, but here is what needs to happen next." But I guess that's another lesson I am going to have to learn is that I have to provide these things for myself. Like how I comforted myself when I was a child because my parents weren't capable. So here it goes. "That a girl, Jess. I am so proud you are taking this journey. I'm so proud you trusted your body and your team's recommendation for the food scale. Let's keep up the good work. Know that we do have to gain weight though so you have to ensure those portions. Next step is no exercise and upping meal plan, okay? But good job, keep it up"

Episode 6: Spin my head right round

So let me fill you in on how crazy today has been and then we will get into the converstation with ED going on at this very moment (this is like breaking news story so prepare yourself). So this morning my alarm to take my meds which must be taken hours before I eat decided not to go off so when I woke up to get ready for work I realized I had to completely change my b-fat plans so they were portable (this isn't easy when you have anorexia and OCD and thus don't like changing food plans). Not only that but I was ravenously hungry this morning (again strange since I haven't been weighing foods and thus feel I am eating more and have cut down on working out so in reality shouldn't I not be hungry). Anywho, I packed b-fast and went to work. I was feeling tired from the lack of food so picked up a Coke Zero to have with my b-fast. Well I get to work and everything is fine. Three hours pass and I can finally eat b-fast. So I grab the Coke Zero and my b-fast and go back to the surgery room (I work at a vets office). I take a sip of the Coke Zero, get a huge stomach cramp, and the room starts spinning. I automatically knew when shaking added to the spinning that this plane was going down and fast (aka I was about to pass out). I asked to go sit down and next thing I know I'm waking up on the floor. Oh boy! So fast forward, the vet tech comes to check on me, I tell her I passed out and she said I should probably go home. A few minutes late though I felt better than I have in weeks. It's like passing out set the reset button in my head. So I ate (which made me nauseous) and went back to surgery. Begged the team to let me stay at work, but they said I needed to go home. Luckily got a few more internship hours before my dad came to follow me home. And now I came home, cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen, and organized all because of this dialogue in my head....

ED: So it's your rest day which means you
won't exercise and now your active job is taken
so you are just a fat lazy bum today. And who passes
out at work. You used to be able to go hours without eating
and now you can't. All the people at the office are probably making
fun of you right now. You are just a fat loser.

Me: I know I feel fine. It was stupid of me

to even tell them I passed out. I shouldn't have said

anything.  Then I could still be at work and no

one would have known. I like that job

because it makes me feel active and now

I don't have that so I am going to balloon. 

ED: Exactly. So get off your fat ass and go do stuff.

I mean go exercise or something. Look at those flabby

thighs they could use some toning. 

Me: But I can't exercise. I promised myself a rest day. 

And I have the weigh-in tomorrow and if 

weight isn't up then I don't get any exercise. Why?

Had I not said anything none of this would have happened.

ED: Once again you failed and caused

yourself to have to take actions that are going to

make you fat. Great job idiot. 

Me: I'm so embarassed. Maybe a little exercise won't hurt. 

No, no....I can't go there. But I am so scared what the scale

will say because of this. Am I going to be huge tomorrow. 

I just need to go be active. Clean my room, do some chores, something. 

Ugh....I'm just fat. I feel it clining to my body. I'm fat and stupid.

What the hell is wrong with me. 

ED: Exactly. Now go get moving. Stop

talking. Talking doesn't burn, moving does.

Go, go, go. 

So I have been doing active things. It just annoys me that I had to go home. Being at this job at least makes me not feel lazy on my rest days, but then some days I go to internship ED says I need to workout more because I'm lazy so I don't know. It is all warped to please him and his desires for me. So I am really fighting hard not to go workout, but its not working so well. That's why I am trying to stay busy. This sucks. It absolutely sucks. If this wasn't a rest day it would be fine. But it is so now I have to sit with feeling lazy and fat and not being able to do anything about it. So scared about weigh-in tomorrow so that doesn't help either. What to do? What to do?

Episode 5: Fruit Salad....it ain't so yummy

Whose ready to play the weight ain't right. It's the fun game show brought by ED whereby he tells you all the servings of fruit you are grabbing are too much because you aren't weighing them. It goes a little like this. I will play the lovely contestant.

ED: You seriously think you are just going to
eat a banana. Not weigh it, just eat it. Are you freaking
stupid. Did your fat drag you down to the floor and you
hit your head.

Me: I was just thinking of trying to aim towards

some form of normalcy. Where a fruit is a fruit. It's a

healthy food, it's not a gram or anything. It's just a piece 

of fruit. 

ED: And how do you suspect that will turn out for 

you. Let me answer since you obviously have left

your sanity in your other head somewhere. Your body

won't adjust, you will start gaining way too fast. All of these 

extra calories from food you used to weigh will add up and 

you will balloon. Your body will never adjust. You will have

to workout more, but now you are too busy for that. You will

be miserable and fat and all because you had the stupid idea to not

weigh fruit. Plenty of people use food scales, you should be one of 

those people.

Me: I've started to realize you  use this whole

restricting portions to keep me from ever having to

eat more. When I lose you blame it on the restriction

and keep me from a meal plan increase. When I

gain it's because I'm not restricting enough. Not because my

body is trying to hold onto the few nutrients I give it. So  yes I

will eat the damn banana and no I won't measure it. 

ED: You know that will mean taking in more calories

right? And what do extra calories do? Make you fat. 

Use your logic and stop being an idiot.

Me: Here's the logic bucko. I will eat these extra calories

and because they aren't that many since we are talking

fruits and veggies which aren't that calorically dense....

I won't gain that much more. Plus if I gain more than

I mentally feel capable of I can decrease my meal plan. 

I have that control right now. Either way I eventually will be eating

2500 calories as has always been the case at some point in my

weight restoration. This is because my body will adjust. So then I 

will eat without worrying about how much a food weighs and I won't have

to worry. I stick to the path you have me on and food isn't food,

it is just more numbers cursing me and my life. Yes, I'm scared shitless.

I'm scared in the next  3 days till my weigh -in my weight will

do crazy things. But I can't live trapped by your rules anymore.

I will take one scary weigh-in over the pain and agony you bring me anyday. 

ED: You are never going to be able to eat 2500 calories.

That's why I have kept it from you. You don't deserve

or need that much food. 

Me:Maybe I do , maybe I don't. But I will never know what 

my body needs unless I give it the right portions. Plus, I'm really tired 

of treatment and using all these ED behaviors is just going to

land me back in treatment. And guess what they don't let you do

there....weigh fruit or anything on food scales. They measure 

everything, they decide what you eat, and I lose the little freedom

and joy I have right now since I get to choose my meals and my 

actions. So all of this points to the only bad thing in not weighing being

3 days of possibly gaining more. Let's say I restrict 500 calories

from weighing (which is unreasonable). Then adding those back in for a 

week would only lead to a lb more of gain.  This would lead to a 2lb gain 

in all for last week if my body hasn't already adjusted to last weeks intake, which 

it usually does. One week of gaining an extra pound I can take. A lifetime

with you and your misery I can't stand. 

And that's how you beat ED at his own game show. You write it out, talk it out, blog it out. Just get his stupidity out of your head and you will find peace. Will I probably have this dialogue a million more times tonight....yes. But will I need to do it as much tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. No. Slowly ED will be silenced and I will find peace. For now that peace lies in not weighing my fruit. In trusting my teams decision to rid me of a food scale. In not listening to ED and instead listening to me. 

Episode 4: Just give up

So this morning I looked in the mirror and this is the chaos that ensued. A lot of this has come from the fact that my nutritionist can't see me for a while due to a health problem. So I have to monitor my own weight and intake and have fought the urge to restrict. In fact, part of me feels better about making the changes because now I feel like I can prove to myself not using any ED symptoms or any food scale (have given it up) won't result in ballooning. 

ED: Wow! Look at those fat rolls. And that huge

belly. Told you you should have started restricting again. 

Just a tiny break till your nutritionist comes back. This is

your chance to see how much more weight you can lose. 

Me: But my nutritionist would be much happier

if I keep fighting and show her I have gained on my

own and can do this. 

ED: But look what it is doing to this body you have

fought to make. You look disgusting and huge. Double chin, 

fat on your hips, puffy cheeks, thighs are starting to touch, 

you are just a jiggly piece of jello now. 

Me: Today I feel that way, but the only way

for that feeling to go away forever is to not listen to 

you at all.I need to push through and not restrict. 

Plus I get to monitor my weight twice a week

so I will know if things start happening "too fast"

and then I will consult my dietician on what to do. 

ED: The proof is in the mirror. You are gaining too 

much and you can tell. You don't need to gain

weight. You look fine right now. 

Me: You're right to a degree. I don't feel I need

to gain weight but my team and family say otherwise. 

They are in healthy mindsets so I need to listen 

to them not to my mind which is full of your thoughts. 

ED: Just keep a few of your actions with you. 

Leave behind a little bit on your plate, 

exercise a little more some days. Just so that

way you still have some control in your life. 

Me: How the hell is that control.That is just giving into 

your ideas and theories about me and who I am. 

The only thing I am scared of giving in is gaining too much

too fast, but I can make adjustments or my body will

make adjustments to that. What I can't adjust to is 

listening to you in which there is fear of me dying.

If that fear comes true I can't undo it. So I need to give

in. I'm scared shitless, but I have to do it. 

ED: You aren't going to be able to do it.

You know you are going to fail.You won't

fail at restricting and continuing these behaviors. 

It's easy to listen to me and you are too weak and 

pathetic to fight me. 

Me: Well I am going to try. I am going to eat so

I get stronger so I can overcome you and what you tell

me. I am done with you.  Some days I may slip up, 

but I will defeat you once and for all because

in my weakness I find strength in God.

ED: Fine go get fat. I will be here when you fail. 

So now I feel huge, I feel scared, but I am claiming those feelings as victory. They mean I am fighting ED and right now that is what I need to do.I am scared to recover, but I am going to have to do it one way or another. I want to recover outpatient so I can be hope for others that that kind of recovery is possible.I want to give my nutritionist the biggest get well gift and show her I can gain weight. I even reached out to my family and told them to not let me leave anything on my plate. I can and will recover. I am scared I will gain too much, but if that happens I will ask my nutritionist and possibly decrease my intake, but I don't want to go below 2,300 cals. If I don't gain at least .5 lb a week (so at least .3 by Thursdays and .5 by Sundays) then I will increase calories by 100. This is my plan. I will stick to it and I will recover. 

Episode 3: Weighing in

So this isn't so much a conversation with ED as I really don't have the energy or time for him today, but a major realization that started from a stupid comment by ED himself. Basically I've been doing awesome these past two days and took my 1st rest day from any physical activity in 9 months yesterday. It was a struggle to fight back the urges to restrict yesterday and to not exercise in secret but I managed to.
Well I woke up these morning with the biggest urge to weigh myself (the people I nanny have a scale). I kept trying to push the urge down instead of facing it head on and when I got to nannying the girls were asleep, the parents were gone, and it was just me, myself, ED, and the scale. I literally paced the floor going to the bathroom where the scale is, changing my mind and turning back, only to return to the bathroom and the scale. Finally I did the not-so-good thing and gave in. I stepped on the scale and when the numbers flashed back at me I freaked. It just seemed like too much gain in such a short amount of time. I automatically had the instinct to decide what to change in my life to slow the gain, but then something happened. Instead of listening to those thoughts I lifted them to God. Then something hit me (not literally though a nice slap upside the head for even getting on the scale was rightfully earned).
I realized I am done. I'm done with letting a machine rule my life and recovery. These past two days sure I have been more anxious, but I've also been happier and had more energy. So what's more important, controlling my gain or feeling joy again, feeling non-caffeine induced energy, and reclaiming my life. Hint: there are three answers and none involve the word gain. So there is a little restriction I am still doing and I say f*** ED and the scale, I'm going to stop them today. I mean geez I'm already gaining might as well just keep the fun times rolling, what's the worst that happens...I gain weight....oh wait that's already happening so nothing. I mean I may feel more joy, more energy, be able to poop without stool softeners (for any of you ED sufferers you know the importance of that), gain back my metabolism.....wow don't those sound sucky. Nope they don't, but I was going to let a scale, a stupid machine whose accuracy no one really knows, hold me back from that. So I'm done.
I'm done with the control, lies, and stupidity of the scale. I want my life back and it stands in my way. If there  were a million dollars at the end of a road and all that stood in my way was a stupid scale I would pick it up and throw it against a wall till it shattered as I ran to claim the million dollars. How much more important is saving my life than a million dollars? A load more. I mean for one, the longer I'm alive, the more times I can play the lotto and win millions of dollars.
So ED is pissed right now and sure he is screaming. He's telling me I will balloon, get fat, blah, blah, blah. Granted he also wants my meal plan to decrease and the only freaking way that will happen is if I balloon so there's no downside to this at all.
I won't lie I'm scared. I'm scared I will fail and I'm sure I will. But then what is failure. Is failure struggling and then getting back on track, no. Failure is struggling and not telling anyone. Failure is staying knocked down in defeat and not fighting to claim victory. Failure is giving up and giving in to ED and I am not a failure.
I can't promise that I won't step on a scale again just to see. That's unrealistic for me. What I can promise is that a few numbers won't control my life. My life will be controlled by God. My motivation won't come from controlling numbers but from controlling my future, my joy, my energy, and perhaps even my bowel movements haha. ED won't stand for this, he will get pissed, but it's understandable. I've been his bff for 13 years and I'm slowly walking away. I guess my ED is scared too, but in this fear I won't choose to go running back to his arms. Instead I will toss him aside and run to my life that's dangling at the end of this road. I will run back to my Father's arms where he will hold me and protect me. I will run back to freedom and I will find the light.

Episode 2: Stop, Start

Today my ED really wanted to control. First it was stop eating, then it was start exercising. Let's go inside the ED studio.
First let's start with lunch. I got the right portions and told myself I would not leave that dang table until I finished everything. Of course I was nannying and the girls constant whines made me expedite the process.

ED: You have to stop eating now .

Me: Can't you leave me alone?

ED: I can't let you become that fat kid again. 

Me: Thanks jerk. You are so freaking nice. 

ED: Truth hurts. Now stop eating. Leave behind a few

pretzels, carrots, grapes, and a part of that sandwich. It won't

hurt anything I promise. 

Me: It if won't hurt to not eat it, then it won't hurt 

to eat it. 

ED: No! If you eat it you will balloon. 

Me: That makes total sense. Not eating won't hurt aka 

I  won't lose weight, but eat them and I will balloon. 

Sorry but that doesn't work. Not eating means less cals which

means weight loss. Eating the cals just means preventing loss. 

And you say I have the issues. 

ED: You can't trust your body. Just leave some 

food behind and see what happens. 

Me: Like I did last week when I lost the 2 lbs I fought so hard

to gain. How about I don't trust you, eat all my lunch, and see. 

ED: Because you will gain too fast. 

Me: Okay so this one week I gain too  fast. Me and my 

nutritionist will adjust then. It can't do too much bad. 

ED: That won't help. You'll just keep gaining. Everyone

will see you as fat. 

Me: Because that's what happened in the past. Like how I gained 3 lbs then

the next week lost 2 lbs because I listened to you and didn't fully commit

to recovery. Obviously if I wanted to I could control my weight again, 

but I' m getting tired of that. And everyone is proud of me when I gain weight

except you. This is a democracy, and you are in the losing minority. 

ED: You want to be that fat kid again?

Me: No. I want to be healthy and alive. That means

eating my meals, gaining weight, and telling you to F  off. 

This week I'm choosing life. So F off. I'm going to eat lunch. 

ED: No you're not. You fat, ugly, wimp. 

Me: Yummy  pretzels. Oh look you are all gone. 

Onto the sandwich....sooooo good (eats all of lunch

in a taunting way). 

So I got through lunch and a snack without restricting and then ED starting screaming to exercise again. It's still going on but here's a glimpse of the convesation. 

ED: Alrighty, as soon as you get home go do another walk. 

And definitely an ab workout. You are getting flabby just

sitting around all day. 

Me: I already did my 25 minute walk and thus I have

been active enough today. I have done what my team 

reccomends and am doing the 30 minutes and that's it.

ED: So you are going to trust the team who

just wants you to be fat. 

Me: No. I am going to trust the team who is 

trying to fight for the healthy voice inside of me that

you have silenced. I am going to listen to the team who wants 

me to live. Plus, I don't feel like doing another workout and I

don't have too. The sooner I do the exercise I'm supposed to

and stop the sooner I can gain the weight to do more intense 

exercises. 

ED: If you don't go workout then what about

those extra calories you ate earlier by not listening to me.

Me: Hey stupid. Extra means outside of what you need

and I ate my meal plan which means I ate what I needed. 

No extras, just necessary calories.Ones I need for my body to

heal not to go burn off. 

ED: Just one little walk won't hurt. 

Me: Seriously the won't hurt argument again . That's getting old.

I am not going to listen to you so shut up now. 

ED: I will shut up as soon as you start exercising.

Me: No you will just shut up for 5 seconds and tell me to

do more. The only way to find peace is to let you tire yourself out.  

So you keep blabbing and I'm gonna keep living life.

So as of right now I haven't acted in symptoms today. ED is going off but I am choosing not to listen. I am determined to win the fight today. Just this one day, one moment, I will make the right decisions. I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. 

Episode 1: Day of Changes

Let me first just frame this day up for you. It was a rough day and I was on the road for most of it....then I decided to challenge the overexercise part of my ED and let's just say that caused a lot of conversation.
Let's start with lunch. Had to go to Ihop and ordered something safe off the Simple and Fit menu: a veggie egg white omelette. Of course the plates got switched and I ended up with my stepmom's meal which had higher fat value so of course (even though I took a few bites before noticing) ED was there to berate me.

ED: You know you can't eat any more right?

Me: Why? 

ED: Because you just ate more fat than you thought you were going to. Plus look how oily

that looks. If you eat that you know it's going straight to your thighs, you will balloon, and

you will look disgusting. Well, more disgusting. 

Me: But I  only had a few bites. And I need the calories. I mean  I don't really

like the taste but I need the cals. 

ED: A few bites is all it takes. The cook in the back probably knows how thin

you are and wants to make you fat so he probably added more oil than 

you should have. I mean you probably got more calories anyway. And don't 

be a pig. If you don't like it don't eat it. No use getting fat over food you hate

anyway. 

Me: Guess your right. How bout a few pieces o f  fruit?

ED: Why the hell do you like food so much? Are you still hungry?

No your not so stop freaking eating. I'm telling you they are lying

about the calories anyway. You can't trust restaraunts. You can't

trust anyone to prepare your meals except you. Stop eating just in 

case the cals are too much. 

Me: (staring at plate). I guess your right it does seem oily and I'm not hungry. 

This was a not so good conversation with ED and I ended up not finishing. Later though I went down to do a walking video after already having done yoga in the AM. A comment from my stepmom had me really thinking about my motives for doing the walk. To ensure it wasn't to burn calories I cut it from 25 minutes to 15 minutes.....this was not taken well by ED. 

ED: Excuse me! You fatty. You ate out today. What the hell are you

thinking. You must do more. I mean you can get away with it. Everyone

expects you to do a longer video so just do it.

Me: But I already  did yoga. I lost weight this week at nutritonist anyway. 

So obviously I don't need the walks to keep from ballooning. They

could be causing me to lose weight. I mean it's just 10 minutes shorter.

ED: You know how many calories those 10 minutes could burn?

I got it. We should do a cardio kickbox 10 minute video to make up. 

Me: Wait what? We just went from walking to kickboxing.

I mean I shouldn't be thinking in terms of calories burned anyhow. 

These walks are supposed to be relaxing not to burn calories. 

ED: Seriously. Who tells you this bull? You walk

so you can eat. Otherwise you are a lazy fatty with no use. 

Me: I already listened to you once today. I don't want to listen

anymore. I want to freaking recover and this is a step in that direction. 

Plus I don't have time. I need to go eat my snacks. And once I get approved

to do higher intense exercise than yoga I won't do that and then walk. 

So what makes this different?

ED: Well yoga is lazy and you burn no calories. So you need the walk

which is actual cardio in order to actually be burning and building muscle. 

Me: Look I don't have time for this. I did yoga and I did the walk. 

I am active  and my body deserves a break.  Plus people will be proud if 

I choose to walk a shorter amount. So F off  ED. 

ED: Don't you dare go away from me. Guess you want to be 

fat and miserable. Stupid....that's what you are. 

Me: No, stupid was ever listening to you. Plus , you already

make me feel fat and miserable, so feeling the same but getting

to eat and enjoy life is an improvement. 

That was 20 minutes ago. Now I'm sitting struggling to eat dinner but I refuse to let ED win. This is my life I am fighting for and I want my life to involve exercise and walking because I want to, not because some voice says I should. 

Pilot Episode

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the one, the only, Inside the ED studio with your host, Jess. For the pilot episode today ED is unavailable (trust me this is a not so common thing) so I just wanted to let you know what this show is all about.
First off, let me introduce myself. I'm Jessica but everyone calls me Jess. I will be 20 in August and have suffered from an ED since the age of 6. I had binge eating disorder till age 13 when I switched to anorexia and compulsive exercise and laxative abuse (both forms of bulimia). I have been to residential treatment twice, inpatient 3 times, and outpatient 3 times bringing my total of treatment to 8 times (sorry ED gets you a little number obsessed). I once again am trying to recover which entails a caloric-based meal plan, a lot of weight restoration, and tons and tons of conversations with my eating disorder.
Now onto our guest, ED. Well, ED is my eating disorder. He's loud, he's crazy, and he's a jerk. He's that guy who dates you just so he can toy with you and all your emotions. He wants to control you to the point that you die. He is never happy with you and you are never enough. And he absolutely loves to have one-sided conversation with you where he talks and expects you to listen. The fun times roll once you start talking back.
So why this blog? Why now? And what the heck is it? This blog is where I will post my conversations with my ED. I have begun to voice them recently and my whole family finds them not only amusing, but also inspirational. Over the past week or so they have pushed me to blog them so I can help others in recovery. And since I'm a people pleaser thanks to ED and because really I want to share them, I have made this blog.
So why do this blog now? Why do it when I am going through such a hard process of recovery? There's a lot of reasons. It's therapeutic, it gets ED out of my head and into the light where he doesn't like to be, and because I think its something that needs to be out there. I think people who are recovering, people in their illness who want to recover, and people who are trying to help others recover need to see what having an ED is like. They need to see that recovery is hard, but possible. That it is possible to defeat your ED even when it is screaming in your head.
For me a huge part of recovery is countering all the arguments my ED brings me. In all my time surfing the web looking for some tools to help in my recovery I couldn't come across a blog that did that, so I want to start my own. I want to show people this tool of recovery. I want to help them laugh about recovery and see it can be emotional, but it also can be fun. I want people to see that these conversations don't have to be one-sided. That you can fight ED and overcome. I want people, including me, to see there is freedom from ED. That's why I have created the ED studio (yes it is a corny spin-off of Inside the Actor's Studio which I have never watched). And with that I end the pilot episode and go to have some b-fast, so rest assured there will be conversations with ED to come.