Episode 14: ED is Poppin'

So thought I would post convo with ED since it is happening right now in my head. Update first: I am up to 2,500 calories starting yesterday and it freaks me out. I am going back to school. My school nutritionist is going to see me a week early. And I am still freaking out about ballooning. So tonight had a lovely event occur where I pre-weighed my corn on the cob to put into cal counter and it came out to be 300 calories. I knew this couldn't be right and finally realized it was measuring just the corn, not the cob. When I weighed the corn kernels only (cut them off cob) calories were closer to 100 something. So I logged it correctly and ate some to make up for and here is when ED freaked....

ED: What the hell are you doing? Why are
you forcing yourself to eat more than 2,500 calories?

Me: More? What do you mean. I just 

measured the corn kernels and logged it. 

ED: That one is wrong. The right one was how

you logged the ear of corn. It's definitely 300 calories.

Me: There is no way a half of a long ear of

corn is 300 calories. Somewhere you have 

to know that. It's a veggie for goodness

sake, it can't be that much. 

ED: That's what you think but what if you are wrong.

Then you are over by close to 200 calories. You really want

to do that? You didn't even work out today when you

had the chance (my mom asked me if I wanted to go to 

gym but let me stay home). 

Me: Ya going over would freak me out but

I didn't go over. I measured the kernels and logged

them and that's what I got. It's better to be over than

under anyway as hard as that is for me to believe.

ED: Why not just be safe though? You are already

eating way too many calories and see how full you are

(I was stuffed about now), that's definitely 300 cals

worth of corn. 

Me: I ate more than just corn and I ate fast which

is why I feel stuffed. It's fine. I am going to log it this way

and if my weight jumps up crazy overnight because of this

it will just be down after a normal day of eating.Yes,  I am 

anxious, but maybe this just means I should stop measuring. 

ED: No, you have to measure and make sure you

get right portions. 

Me: Then leave me alone about the damn corn!

So I am still really anxious, but I know in my heart I am doing what's right. My stomach doesn't think so and still plenty of eating to do tonight (mom decided to drag me around town without food so forced to eat a bunch late at night. Can't wait for school when I can control my schedule and eating). But I know this feeling, both fear and full, will pass and I will wake up fine tomorrow. So here I go....wish me luck. 

Episode 13: When your team is in the way

So weird thing happened today and thought I would share in case this craziness happens to anyone else ever. Basically I have been increasing cals but am still losing weight. It scares me so much because I'm almost to a weight I said I would never let myself get to and now I can't control the loss. I keep increasing, it keeps going. Scares me and also makes me trust my body more.
Anywho, my therapist noticed today and she weighed me and freaked out to say the least. So she called my nutritionist who has been out for a month due to an injury and, to make a long story short, they decided I needed to be checked in inpatient. Well, I know my truth that I am doing as I need to and so I had them call my mom. And guess what? She spoke the truth and let them know I didn't need treatment. Well, actually she let my therapist know and guess who my therapist didn't pass this onto? My nutritionist.
So when I e-mailed my nutritionist to ask her to please, please help me figure out something she basically responded that she was no longer going to help me and that I needed treatment. So I freaked out and cried yet again. Then I prayed and took a deep breath and realized something: my nutritionist presence (or lack thereof) was actually getting in my way of recovery. Here is what I mean.
One, she was injured and thus I couldn't ever meet with her. She wasn't respond to e-mail or phone calls and thus I wasn't getting the support I needed.
Second, any time I would think, "Hey I need to increase this or that" or "Maybe I shouldn't do this or that anymore" I would e-mail her first before changing anything, but she wouldn't respond. So I was almost waiting for approval knowing I wouldn't get it for a few days.
Third, even when I did see her she was very judgemental and just was making me feel like all food was just meant to make me gain weight. It was all about how I wasn't doing enough yet she wasn't listening when I told her I hadn't been honest about what I was doing. She just wanted me eating a bunch of calories but never explained why. I need someone who explains the reasons.
Well here is the good news. I have till the 13th to do this on my own, without needing approval, just support and then the best thing ever....I get to see my school nutritionist again. She is good for all the reasons the other was bad.
One, she is available to meet all the time, her office got moved to right across from the dorm I will live in. She also responds to e-mails almost instants M-Fri. Always with thought out responses not one or two words.
Second, she lies out my goals so concretely that I know what I need to be doing and when I don't I can e-mail her or really just go see her and it will be instant feedback. She is also very willing to do this because she knows I need it.
Third, she explains why I need to do what I do. This helps me see that it is for my health. She actually doesn't specialize in ED but is a health nutritionist or something like that. She basically works to help people eat healthier and she explained to me and made me realize that it's not just people who eat too much fat or cals or whatever that eat unhealthy, but also me who don't eat enough of that.
I love the school nutritionist because she seems to care about me as a person and pushes me not just with cals and gaining but also fear foods. We meet as long as we need and she is free. She just takes the time to make sure I know everything I need to do. And she helps me navigate the dining hall and portion sizes. She is about getting me healthy not fat, and though ED says its the same I know its not. I know this nutritionist wants me to eat healthy and thus will get me a healthy body. She is also spiritual which helps as well.
So perhaps this pain is for the better. This loss means gaining something so much more.

Episode 12: Finally I Cracked

So today was the one, the only, meal plan increase day. I am supposed to increase every 3-5 days till I get to 2500. Today my weight also happened to go up so of course ED freaked. I knew I shouldn't weigh, but alas I gave in and did it. But, my Father happened to make this a good thing because it showed me I am strong enough to get through. I didn't give in to ED's shouts and screams to restrict portions and finally tonight I cracked.
I realized I began using the food scale again and true it has been helpful and I have only added to portions, not taken away, but it just takes so much time. It would be so much easier to just measure things with cups and spoons and such (if they can be measured that way). Honestly, it just makes it harder for me to eat when I am thinking of the grams that I am eating. It won't be easy to eat with cups and spoons and such, but the scale has become a headache. I get so scared and I remeasure things 5 bigillion times just to check. It's like I am in disbelief that the packaging companies don't lie.
So I want to be "normal." Whatever normal is? I guess for me my immediate normal to aim for is to use cups and spoons not the food scale. To weigh once a week. To eat what my body wants without worrying about fat, sodium, sugar or any of that stuff. To feed my body more when it is hungry. To enjoy working out (this has begun to happen again). To listen to my team and other supports advice. To push myself to do fear foods more often. To worry about more in life than just food. To enjoy life AND food.
ED is freaking out already. He is shouting I will gain weight, I will be fat, no one will like me, blah, blah, blah. Well NEWS FLASH nobody is going to sit back and let me not gain weight. They are gonna ship me off to treatment before that happens or just keep increasing my meal plan. So I can give in and enjoy the journey, or I can be the annoying kicking, screaming kid being dragged through recovery by my ear. And if I choose the later I will just end up back in the predicament or die on my way to getting here. I choose to enjoy this process. I choose to cherish the tears, pain, and fear it brings, because then I won't want to go back. Then I will see how strong I am when I turn things over to God.
I know I can recover. The weight gain scares me, but if I get honest not recovering completely scares me more. Semi-recovering (aka still obsessively measuring, exercising, or weighing) scares me more because it will leave a door open to relapse and if I freaking gain this weight yet again (what is this the third time...hey at least its a charm) I want it to be the last time. And what scares me even more is dying. I can't come back from that. I can't say oops I made a mistake let me fix that. Nope, it will be the end.
So here's to recovery. Here's to enjoying the ride as much as is possible. Here's to my future. Here's to fully living. Here's to taking control from ED and giving it to God :)
So if you don't see conversations with ED don't worry, we are just venturing inside the recovery studio and I want to focus on the fears of recovery as I think not a lot of people know about that. Whose with me?

Episode 11: A Cold Day in ED's Hell

Well I managed to give ED (and myself) a heart attack with a decision I made yesterday. First let's start with the fact that I stepped on the scale and had gained 2 lbs in two days. Add to that the fact that I had decided to skip a day of weighing and ED went crazy.

ED: See this is what happens when you don't weigh
yourself. You balloon.

Me: No, this is what happens when you

don't poop for two days. Jumping on the scale

yesterday wouldn't have changed anything. 

ED: Would have actually because you could

have cut back yesterday to prevent such a drastic 

gain. Now you are going to have to only have one

thing to eat for the whole day. 

Me: Sure every fiber of my being wants to

not eat right now, but I need to. How 

else am I going to poo and how else am

I going to have energy today. My body needs

food. Plus, my parents aren't gonna let me not eat.

ED: Then you will just keep ballooning. 

You are a disgusting excuse for a human. 

Me: Yes, I feel disgusting right now and 

I am scared this will happen. But I am scared

more of dissapointing my family or 

dying or fainting. I can prevent those by eating. Plus

I don't even know for sure this is real weight and 

the only way to find out is stick to my plan. 

ED: That sounds like the stupidest idea ever and

the surest way to get fat.

Me: Well then I am stupid and fat, but I will

be happy and alive so  F*** off.

It took me 4 hours after the weigh-in to actually eat, but I did it. This torment continued for most of the day till I met with my new accountability partner. I was real honest with her and left so motivated I decided I needed to stop cutting back portions, but first I decided to see how bad it was and realized (through backtracking and relogging past days) that I had been skimping a significant number of calories. This freaked me out as I, prompted by ED, cut myself down about gaining on such a small amount. Then I shared my thoughts with some people and realized it was because I was shutting down my metabolism yet again by eating too little. So I went a little crazy researching and decided to increase my calories till I got to 2500 (this will be gradual). I was supposed to be doing that many anyway, but restricted when I lost my nutritionist, and always restricted portions. Well, increasing calories when you are gaining doesn't sit so well with ED. 

ED: What the fuck has come over you?

Do you want to become a fat ass? Do you

want to balloon?

Me: No, I want to repair my metabolism and

in order to do that I have to eat more. It's like

putting wood in a fire. If you don't put enough in 

the fire dies away, but if you put in enough and 

keep "feeding" it the fire will roar. Food is the wood 

and my metabolism is the fire. I don't want

to have to restrict the rest of my life. 

ED: Then you need to lose more weight because you

are going to gain a lot fast doing this. 

Me: I will do it gradually and will adjust if needed, 

but I can't lose anymore. I don't even know what

that would entail calorie and health-wise. I don't 

want to restrict and gain anymore eating too little.

It's time to start now. I am scared shitless to gain

but hey that's already happening anyway.

ED: You know how big you are going to be. Prob

gain 10 lbs a week and be fat by next week. 

Me: Well most of that will be water weight.

Sure the research showed significant gains, but

it was all water weight and only when people

did a drastic increase, but I am gonna do it

more gradual. And if it doesn't work 

then I can always go back to my old ways and 

lose the weight. 

ED: Nope it will be too late then. You will be

too fat. Why are you undoing all your hard work.

Me: Hard work is fighting you. Restricting had

become such a trap and way of life that it was easy.

So now I am doing the hard work and

now I am strong. Preety soon 

my metabolism will be as well. So peace out.

ED kept going the whole day but I am happy to report I have been increasing and getting right portions for the past two days and I actually have dropped some of the water weight so I am happy. I am scared, but I will keep fighting and as always will keep you posted. And don't worry....ED will be a frequent to the studio. I honestly thought hell would have to ice over before I would decide and want to not restrict portions and definitely before I increased when I was gaining. Well, I guess hell better get some jackets. 

Episode 10: Knocking down the pins

Again, ED is on vacation from the blog right now. This time not because he isn't screaming loudly in my head urging me to act on behaviors, but because I don't have the energy to counter his thoughts and instead am trying to distract myself. Don't worry, he will be back soon.
I did want to share an interesting experience today that happened when I let ED sit on the sideline. It all began when me and my dad decided to go bowling. Usually the whole time I am concentrated on how many calories I'm burning, but today that wasn't the case. I just wanted to enjoy the time with my dad as I knew I would be moving back to my mom's house later that night. We were having so much fun and I got a lot of spares and strikes the second game....then the third game rolled around.
I started off the game only knocking down 3 pins and my head went crazy. It told me I couldn't make any spares and the self-defeat and self-hate fired up. Every time I went up to bowl I would bowl a great first ball, just enjoying the time and not having any pressure on me to knock down a certain pin. It would be great and then I would have an easy spare left, but I would miss. Not because I wasn't capable, but because as soon as I went up to bowl I would think of all the things I shouldn't do and with that as my focus, I would do all of those things I shouldn't do and miss the spare. As I progressively got more down on myself, I began to not even be able to roll the first ball as my mind was filled with thoughts of how I was a failure and was going to miss the pins and what would happen, I would miss.
So how does this apply to recovery? Well, it's pretty much the struggle I am going through now. I get so caught up in what I can't do any more. Don't measure or worry about the weight of the food, don't be afraid of fat, don't cut back portions, don't overexercise that I freak out and end up either intensely desiring to do those things or giving in and doing them. But the days when I focus instead on what to do like eat all you pretzels, or measure this with a cup, or eat the whole bagel, or try to get fats to this minimum...I do so much better. My mind thinks of what I am doing (and true still freaks out about it) but it doesn't yearn to do the old things because those aren't the focus.
There is also the whole thing I have where I take it one meal at a time now....or at least I am working on it. Had I not let the last frame, or the thought of how many frames I had left to go get to me, I wouldn't have had so much pressure to perform and would have done better. Same thing with meals. When I focus on how I slipped up or even how I did good and got all my portions at an earlier meal/snack I begin to stress about the one I am sitting at. Then if I think about how I have to do such and such for a later meal/snack I also freak out at the current one. I get so overwhelemed at this point thinking of all the food I have to eat in a day that it becomes overload and I just give up on the portions. I worry what will happen if I get portions at everything, instead of just worrying about the one meal ahead of me. Then instead of getting a strike when it comes to recovery and knocking down all the pin-head ED thoughts, I get a gutter ball and give up on my future. But the meals I sit at and just think about that one moment, that one meal, I do amazing. I tell myself I just have to get through that one meal and eat all my portions. With that goal in mind and without the thoughts of the other food for the day or other mistakes I've made, I push through. Sometimes it takes an hour, but I get through.
There is also the self-defeating tendencies I have. I concentrate so much on all the things that could go wrong in my recovery or all the ways I have/will fail, that I keep myself from trying to recover. I worry that I will balloon because I will lose all control over my weight. I worry that I will relapse again. I worry that these medical complication I am having will be permanant. I worry people will think I'm fat when I get to my healthy weight. I worry I will always have issues with food and never have freedom from all the negative thoughts. I worry I will get used to eating all these calories and won't be able to stop and maintain. I worry I will only be able to eat 1200 cals to maintain when my body is so used to getting above 2000. All these worries fill my head that when I step up to perform at my meals, much like when I went to go bowl, I can't even find the energy to give it my best shot and end up in the gutter.
The last game of bowling, after making all these realizations, I said to heck with it.....I just want to have fun. What happened? My game improved drastically. In fact my score doubled. Wasn't as good as my 2nd game, but it was good and I was sore. That brought up another interesting thing. As I started to get tired, my dad told me just to move my mark (the place where you aim) to adapt to the soreness in my arm that was causing my balls to drift right. But I wanted to force my body to do as well as it had before. I wanted it to just get better and work the same as before. Instead of adapting and giving my body a break, I wanted to force it to do as I wanted. I laughed when I realized I was doing this. Is this not what I do all the time? When my body wasn't being fed I still told it it had to workout...even still when I am sore from work I will push it to do yoga. It is saying give me a break, but I want my way and want to push it to do things I want. An eating disorder is the very essence of forcing our bodies to do what they don't want. We force our bodies to be a shape they aren't by not giving them the nutrients or getting rid of the nutrients or shoving down too much nutrients. These are all forcing our bodies to handle something they can't. But our body can't handle this. We need to adjust what we do and let our bodies cope.
Same in recovery. Sometimes our minds seem to get healthier than our bodies or the other way around. For example, I feel I could handle cycling and not do it compulsively, but my health and weight can't allow for that now so I can't force my body to do that. Then there are the days my body just seems so ready to be fully recovered it wants to eat whatever and do whatever exercises it wants, but again I am not ready for that. My mind isn't ready to be pushed that far and so I have to adjust my aim and do a little yoga or challenge myself with a new fear food, something my body can take.
But, alas. I want my recovery to be like that last game. I want to say to heck with it and not let my past "frames" (ie attempts at recovery, meals, etc) influence how I do now. I just want to let go and experience life. I want to get ready for my throw...get ready to bowl the ball of recovery at the pins of my ED thoughts with a clear mind. Just focusing on that one moment, one throw, one breath. As the ball goes down the lane I will let go and let God. I won't worry about what it will do to my weight, body, or later meals. I will just concentrate on the moment. On the thrill of the game. Then I know I will get my strike and you know what, if I don't, there's always the possibility of a spare :)

Episode 9: The Fattening Nutritionist

So since my nutritionist went and got into a horseback riding accident I am off to seek a new one for the next three weeks before I go to my one at school. Not my idea but it's what my therapist wants. Well here is how my ED saw it.

ED: You will not go see another nutritionist.
They will want you to eat more and more and you
won't have any control or say because they don't know you.

Me: But they all went to school. Why can't I trust a 

new nutritionist when I can trust my other two. 

ED: This one will be different. They won't know

you and your fat body and won't understand

how much you can balloon overnight. Plus, 

what if they make you go back on non-calorie

based meal plan. And what if they say no weighing again. 

Me: Simmer down. It's just for three weeks. It

can't do that much harm and they will just be doing

whatever they have been taught is best. I haven't

gone to school for this stuff so I guess I really shouldn't

be in control. 

ED: But they don't know you. Only you know you.

Plus, they can't be trusted. You don't know their motives. 

What if they just want to do rapid weight gain? What if 

they want you on high-fat? What if they make you completely

change?

Me: What if you shut up and let me go to at least

one session before judging the person I haven't 

even met? 

ED: You've become defiant now. See where that 

gets you in life. You won't survive without me!

Me: No I won't survive with you so F*** off.

Then my lovely therapist recommended I go see the only other nutritionist she knows. This nutritionist happens to specialize in treating obesity and last time I saw her she let me start cross country after only being out of treatment for 2 weeks....boy did ED change his tune. 

ED: Maybe you are on to something. A nutritionist

can only help you. Call this lady. 

Me: What? You want me to go see a nutritonist. 

ED: Then you won't feel so guilty about eating 

low-fat and starting to exercise again. They will

see your love for running and cycling and who knows

maybe they will let you start it. 

Me: But that will mean more calories and I didn't

think you wanted that. 

ED: Well sometimes nutritionist take it slow and 

let you exercise first and change meal plans later. 

This nutritionist sounds great. She doesn't specialize

in ED but instead in people who need to lose weight. She

is a perfect fit for you. 

Me: I get it. Because you think I need to lose

weight I need to go see this lady. I mean I am going

to have to go see her because she is who the therapist

wants, but don't think you will control these sessions.

No way in heck will my school nutritionist let me keep 

exercising even if this lady does approve it. 

ED: Just make the call and let's go meet this 

lovely woman. We shall see how she is. 

Me: So wait what if she says no to the exercise and 

increases my meal plan like the others you

said would. 

ED: Then we will go see another one who fits you better. 

Me: Whatever. Keep telling yourself that. 

Ugh you are getting so freaking annoying. 

So I e-mailed the nutritionist to see if I can afford her and if she is available. I guess I will go see her I am just scared because I played her so easily before and I really do wanna get better. Oh well.....it's just contacting her and then its just one appointment. 

Episode 8: There's Hope

Another non-ED convo post, but ED and me aren't having conversations lately because frankly I haven't had the time. I just wanted to post to give you all hope :)
Basically the same night as Episode 7, there was an "episode" at my house that involved yelling, people threatening to leave, tears, therapists on the phone, pretty much the makings of the best reality show ever, but it wasn't such a pretty reality. The good news is the fight did end, my family reunited, and I made a two-day contract. I promised, for just two days, that I wouldn't restrict portions, wouldn't exercise, and would record my cals properly. I would then check my weight on my Sunday weigh-in and if I wanted I could go back to the way things were. Well....it's Monday night (day 4) and I'm still going strong. I feel more free with food and my body now. The ballooning fear still comes, but it has yet to happen. Here is a low-down of how the two days of contract went though.

Day 1
Tons of ED yelling at me and telling me I would balloon. Didn't help that my favorite dog was determined to be heartworm positive and thus would have to be put down. It took me the full lunch hour to eat everything I packed, I felt full beyond belief after, and ED started telling me I needed to be active when I got home from work. Then I got the bad news about the dog and couldn't bear to bring myself to eat my snack for the ride home. When I got home I talked it out with my stepmom though and let her know all the triggers floating around in my head. We played Bananagrams and I eventually got all my snacks and dinner in without restricting. I did decide to lower my cal limit, but only because my stomach was in so much pain. Honestly, the only way I stuck through was reminding myself it was just for two days. I couldn't ballon that much in two days and if I did I could always go back to restricting and would lose it. Sure this was semi-disordered, but it shut ED up enough for me to get through the day.

Day 2
Woke up with tons of guilt and felt huge. It was a struggle not to do my Sat am yoga as usual, but I just tried to keep busy by cleaning, journaling, doing crafts, anything. Had family therapy and went to store which took up time, but also pushed my lunch back to 4pm (usually eat at 12pm :-O). Planned to go bowling that night with the fam and just reminded myself that it was just one more day and I could go back to normal. It was way hard and I ended up having to eat 1,100 calories after 10pm that night. It was rough and there was tons of guilt.

Weigh-in day
The fateful day arrived. I literally was shaking as I got out my scale (I hide it from myself because its easier to avoid the temptation to weigh every day instead of the two days a week I agreed to). As I stepped on I closed my eyes just enough to see my fate while hiding from the fear that ensued. This resembled that kid in the scary movie that is way too young to be watching it but doesn't want anyone to know so they squint their eyes in horror while trying to hold them open to hold onto their dignity. I took a breathe and opened my eyes completely and the scale had moved a measily .2 lbs. That's it. That's all the fear, anguish, tears, and torment of consuming more cals (both through not restricting and not exercising) was about. Instantly peace came over me. Recovery was possible and my body could be trusted. I have been going pretty strong since then. Like I said I still fear my weigh-in Thursday the ballooning will have happened, but I am also a very scientific person and right now the scientific facts of the scale point to this not happening. Plus, if I haven't lost any (aka maintained or gained) I will allow myself back two days of yoga a week (was walking and doing abs daily with yoga three times a week).

As it nears Independence Day I realize that I now have hope that I can be independent from my ED. From the chaos, torment, and lies it tells me. There will still be conversations, trust me, but I believe they will lessen. All I had to do was jump in completely to recovery for just two days, and my eyes and heart were opened to a future filled with so many more days to conquer. It's scary, but then again so is an ED. Some days were miserable, but so is an ED. In the end though I feel so much happier and lighter (yes, lighter....even though I gained I feel lighter) and that's something ED can never bring.