So school has been hectic so this won't be a full-on post just a brief update so you all can see that recovery is quite possible.
I made the switch over to exchanges and haven't logged calories in a week now. Honestly it has been the most liberating time ever. This past week has also been terrifying as my doc put the take-away school threat on me if I don't start gaining .5-1 lb per week. Luckily she took it away but it did lead to emergency meeting with nutritionist where she showed me where my meal plan is headed. It's scary but seems doable. Already have been able to increase starch, fat, and veggies.
Just left her appt and though she isn't increasing my meal plan she is adding structured risk. Basically she made me realize I am blessed to not be in inpatient, but mentally I have slipped a lot. A lot of foods that weren't so scary I am again terrified of. A lot of it is because I am having to trust exchanges, but its still not good. I also mentally due to my low weight need more structure to help my mind and body cope. So here is her idea of structured risk.
1. Since I had a pretty much mental breakdown over having to eat a turkey burger and when I did eat it I squeezed it to death to get out all the "grease" (in reality it was probably juice and water) and then fought for over 30 minutes on whether or not to leave some behind (went with not leaving any behind and got it all in), my nutritionist has made it part of my weekly plan. So I now have earned the lovely opportunity to have a turkey burger once a week.
2. Second, because I decided to tell her how much I wish I was in the same place mentally as when I left Renfrew and was doing three desserts a week I have to do desserts now. She is fine if they are "safe" especially since a lot of desserts upset my stomach, but mentally I am so scared because I can no longer justify eating fro yo as okay even though in the spring semester it was my go to Boost equivalent because it was fat free and easy. Now every Wednesday I have to do fro yo as my Boost equivalent. I have to add something (graham cracker, banana, gummies, etc) to increase cals to Boost cals as well.
3. Last, but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST this week she wants me to do a "real" dessert. For me this means one of the cookies or vegan desserts because my tum tum can handle those and I was semi-okay with that until she dropped this bomb on me. At first it was going to be able to count as Boost equivalent as long as I finished it all but NOT COUNT AS A FAT. If I only finished half it could count as a fat. This came from me telling her at Renfrew having 2 cookies, or a cake slice, or whatever was only a fat. No starch, not 2 fats, just 1 fat. We went back and forth on this for awhile with me trying to get a compromise or something. To take it slowly or something. Then I saw this strange look come across her face....like a crazy lightbulb went off and she said...."Let me start again. I have a new idea." This is her new idea: this week I have to do a regular dessert and not count it at all. Not as a fat, not as a Boost exchange, its just an extra "little" something for me to do.
Number one had me anxious, number two had me shaking in my boots, and number three may just cause me to have a mental breakdown. But then I stopped and thought about it. If I manage to do all three goals (which I will because I am an overacheiving people-pleaser) and I don't balloon like my mind is telling me.....then imagine the trust of my body I will gain. Really...just stop and imagine. I will be free to not squeeze my burgers to death, I will be free to have fro yo and not think of sugar, and I will be free to have a little something extra when my body wants. So maybe my nutritionist knows what she is doing :)
All I know is this week is gonna push my trust, but I am going to turn it all prayerfully over to God. He has already allowed me to stop logging which I thought was impossible. He has allowed me the freedom in not pre-planning as much (for example today I didn't pre-plan b-fast or lunch and just not at 4pm planned snacks and dinner for today). He has allowed me to start distancing myself from thinking in terms of calories because I haven't been logging them. Now I choose what I want to eat not what I should eat calorically. He has allowed me to be open with my family again. He has allowed me victory and I declare in His name that this victory shall continue. I want to recover, and with God by my side nothing, not even an unrecorded vegan cupcake can hold me back.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Episode 16: Till Death Do Us Part
So it's been a while since I blogged and boy has a lot happened. The biggest thing is that a week ago (August 12th) my dear grandmother left this life for the next. I managed to fight through the emotions while at school and didn't act on my symptoms, but then it came time to face the reality and travel to the funeral. This happened on Thursday.
In my mind I knew that it would be hard for me to get all of my exchanges in with food that would be available. Most of the food would be from people who were trying to do something nice for the family....people who knew nothing about my food allergies. This is when ED came out as a coping tool for my grief. Instead of packing along snacks, or stopping at the store, or having some kind of plan I brought nothing except a few bagels I knew would go bad.
My ED gets so tricky. It packaged this perfect concoction to restrict inside nice recovery wrapping paper. It said that by not having food I would be forced to be "normal," to eat whatever was provided. Well, exactly what I knew would happen did. Everything people brought either had cheese or was a dessert. Couple this with the inability to go poo and I had no desire to eat whatsoever or to make people go out of their way to get me food.
Luckily, my stepmom and dad got me subs, yogurt, and nuts, but still I barely got any fat or calories. I began to feel weak again and this weakness helped me to feel numb. To forget the grief and sorrow and feel empty. The final night I spent there (Friday) I started journaling. Trying to grasp how I slipped so bad. It was in that moment my grandmother's death brought me new life.
I realized that by not eating my calories I knew I would lose more weight and I am at way to low a weight to do that. I realized that by continuing to act in my disorder I am slowly sending myself to the grave. I thought back on seeing my dad breakdown at the casket as he stared at the body of a woman who once had so much life. You could see his heart break. This happened again with my brother when he saw my grandma in the casket. Sure they made her look beautiful. Her hair was immaculate, her makeup spotless, her eyes closed as if she were just asleep. But as each of us looked at her we realized she wasn't sleeping and she was never waking up. That body would never again be filled with life. That is when our hearts broke. When that agonizing pain took over. And here I was, restricting. Refusing to feed my body. Here I was saying "Pick me. I will be the next in the casket. I will be the cause of the next breaking of my family's heart."
My grandmother had no choice in her death. She fought infections tooth and nail to survive. She never gave up and never lost hope. I have a choice to eat. To choose life. It's not an easy choice and many times it doesn't seem like an option but it is. It is the only way I will survive. And if it is my time to go, then at least I will go out fighting. I just can't be the cause of my families heartbreak.
I had another realization too. I realized all the people my grandmother impacted. The viewing for the funeral didn't start till 10 am and people were lining up at 9:45. She was an 89 year old woman who still packed out the church with people. It was so packed they ran out of programs. In fact, had her Sunday school class not been on retreat they would have run out of chairs too. When I saw the people flooding in I started to think who would attend my funeral. I realized in that moment that ED has kept me from my potential. He has kept me isolated and prevented me from having the energy to make an impact in the world. I don't even think I could fill a supply closet to capacity with the people (outside of family) that I have connected too. That broke my heart.
Then I was looking at her life. At all her accomplishments. These were shown by boards filled with pictures and memories. I again thought to myself: "If I were to die in this moment, what memories would people have to share? What would they say of me?" Honestly my life has been my ED. Spending so much time in treatment centers, doctor's offices, or stuck in the worries and sorrows of my mind has kept me from making memories. What would the preacher say? Would the same kind words shared about my grandma be shared about me? In all honesty: no. It would just be that I didn't overcome the lifelong battle I had to fight. That I was another statistic of anorexics who die from the disease. That I had so much life to live and it was taken from me. But I don't want that to be my reality, and in order to begin to live life, to cherish every moment like my grandmother, I have to recover.
I know this is getting long but there was one last realization. I realized that to make my grandmother proud, to make her legacy live on, to let her light continue to shine I must recover. I want to be more like my grandmother and share the lessons her life taught me. I want to be like she was where I never complain or speak a bad word about someone else. That I always look on the positive of things. This positivity is only seen in the rays of recovery. I want to be full of life, to have that light inside of me radiate out and brighten everyone around as my grandmother did. This light can only be unleashed through recovery. I want to live my life harnessing every moment and the possibilities it brings to help others. This is only possible with the energy of purpose brought by recovery. And I want to make my grandma proud. I want her to look down from heaven and smile at the accomplishments of her granddaughter. She wouldn't want me to restrict. To be tortured and tied down by the rulings of scales, nutrition labels, and food. She would want me to enjoy life. She would want me to find freedom with food. She would want me to recover.
So even on the days when it seems like I can't I will push on for my dear Grandmother Ruth. I will allow myself to nourish my body not just with what it needs, but with what it wants as well. I will release myself from the burden of scales, measuring, and calories. I will eat based off of exchanges and give myself freedom to not measure everything. I will face my fear foods till I feel freedom to eat them. I will step on scales when at doctor's and a maximum of once weekly. I will make my grandmother proud. I will recover.
In my mind I knew that it would be hard for me to get all of my exchanges in with food that would be available. Most of the food would be from people who were trying to do something nice for the family....people who knew nothing about my food allergies. This is when ED came out as a coping tool for my grief. Instead of packing along snacks, or stopping at the store, or having some kind of plan I brought nothing except a few bagels I knew would go bad.
My ED gets so tricky. It packaged this perfect concoction to restrict inside nice recovery wrapping paper. It said that by not having food I would be forced to be "normal," to eat whatever was provided. Well, exactly what I knew would happen did. Everything people brought either had cheese or was a dessert. Couple this with the inability to go poo and I had no desire to eat whatsoever or to make people go out of their way to get me food.
Luckily, my stepmom and dad got me subs, yogurt, and nuts, but still I barely got any fat or calories. I began to feel weak again and this weakness helped me to feel numb. To forget the grief and sorrow and feel empty. The final night I spent there (Friday) I started journaling. Trying to grasp how I slipped so bad. It was in that moment my grandmother's death brought me new life.
I realized that by not eating my calories I knew I would lose more weight and I am at way to low a weight to do that. I realized that by continuing to act in my disorder I am slowly sending myself to the grave. I thought back on seeing my dad breakdown at the casket as he stared at the body of a woman who once had so much life. You could see his heart break. This happened again with my brother when he saw my grandma in the casket. Sure they made her look beautiful. Her hair was immaculate, her makeup spotless, her eyes closed as if she were just asleep. But as each of us looked at her we realized she wasn't sleeping and she was never waking up. That body would never again be filled with life. That is when our hearts broke. When that agonizing pain took over. And here I was, restricting. Refusing to feed my body. Here I was saying "Pick me. I will be the next in the casket. I will be the cause of the next breaking of my family's heart."
My grandmother had no choice in her death. She fought infections tooth and nail to survive. She never gave up and never lost hope. I have a choice to eat. To choose life. It's not an easy choice and many times it doesn't seem like an option but it is. It is the only way I will survive. And if it is my time to go, then at least I will go out fighting. I just can't be the cause of my families heartbreak.
I had another realization too. I realized all the people my grandmother impacted. The viewing for the funeral didn't start till 10 am and people were lining up at 9:45. She was an 89 year old woman who still packed out the church with people. It was so packed they ran out of programs. In fact, had her Sunday school class not been on retreat they would have run out of chairs too. When I saw the people flooding in I started to think who would attend my funeral. I realized in that moment that ED has kept me from my potential. He has kept me isolated and prevented me from having the energy to make an impact in the world. I don't even think I could fill a supply closet to capacity with the people (outside of family) that I have connected too. That broke my heart.
Then I was looking at her life. At all her accomplishments. These were shown by boards filled with pictures and memories. I again thought to myself: "If I were to die in this moment, what memories would people have to share? What would they say of me?" Honestly my life has been my ED. Spending so much time in treatment centers, doctor's offices, or stuck in the worries and sorrows of my mind has kept me from making memories. What would the preacher say? Would the same kind words shared about my grandma be shared about me? In all honesty: no. It would just be that I didn't overcome the lifelong battle I had to fight. That I was another statistic of anorexics who die from the disease. That I had so much life to live and it was taken from me. But I don't want that to be my reality, and in order to begin to live life, to cherish every moment like my grandmother, I have to recover.
I know this is getting long but there was one last realization. I realized that to make my grandmother proud, to make her legacy live on, to let her light continue to shine I must recover. I want to be more like my grandmother and share the lessons her life taught me. I want to be like she was where I never complain or speak a bad word about someone else. That I always look on the positive of things. This positivity is only seen in the rays of recovery. I want to be full of life, to have that light inside of me radiate out and brighten everyone around as my grandmother did. This light can only be unleashed through recovery. I want to live my life harnessing every moment and the possibilities it brings to help others. This is only possible with the energy of purpose brought by recovery. And I want to make my grandma proud. I want her to look down from heaven and smile at the accomplishments of her granddaughter. She wouldn't want me to restrict. To be tortured and tied down by the rulings of scales, nutrition labels, and food. She would want me to enjoy life. She would want me to find freedom with food. She would want me to recover.
So even on the days when it seems like I can't I will push on for my dear Grandmother Ruth. I will allow myself to nourish my body not just with what it needs, but with what it wants as well. I will release myself from the burden of scales, measuring, and calories. I will eat based off of exchanges and give myself freedom to not measure everything. I will face my fear foods till I feel freedom to eat them. I will step on scales when at doctor's and a maximum of once weekly. I will make my grandmother proud. I will recover.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Episode 15: Changes, Control, Coasters
So welcome to Inside the ED [Recovery] Studio. That's right....there's been a little change of management that led to a name change. Basically, I just don't want to wallow in my disorder anymore. Sure I will put some conversations up but I really want this blog to help people, including myself, recover. How can I do that if the whole focus (including the name) is ED. It would be like breaking up with a boyfriend, but keeping his pics in your room just for the heck of it. So welcome to the new studio :) It seems a little brighter in here don't you think.
Onto some changes in my life going on right now. Well, I'm back at college and seeing (well communicating through e-mail with an appt this week) my new old nutritionist. Basically I saw her last year and am seeing her again. She is amazing and I am super excited. In fact I got thestupid brilliant idea to ask her if it would be better for me to go to exchange based instead of calorie based eating plan. She was ecstatic I asked and guess who is moving to exchange based system. Yep, me. Of course this bring 5 bigillion fears especially since I am now eating 6 fat exchanges whereas before I was getting maybe one. It's nice though because its the plan I was on at Renfrew so there is some comfort there. I have been on it for 3 days now and even added some snacks of my own because I was hungry (I know, who would have thought I would listen to and respect my body, trust me it is only through prayer I have done it). It is actually quite exciting. It's almost like someone gave me "permission" to eat fats again. So I am enjoying eating peanut butter, olive, AND almonds all IN THE SAME DAY. I didn't even get those all in in the same week let alone in the same day.
So through freaking out when I got the "Go to exchanges e-mail" I learned something. I realized the only reason I wanted to cling onto some form of calorie counting (which I will admit I am still doing "just to see") was for control. Being able to choose where my calories came from and not have anyone tell me what to eat gave me this twisted sense of control. Of course, I had no control. All of my decisions were based on numbers swirling around my head, choking me in their twisted cords. No decision was right. If it was low fat, it was too high sugar, not enough fiber, too much sodium, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't get it right. Now I have exchanges (at least for meals) and its hard because my mind says no that's too much fat, but I know it is okay to have because it is part of my exchanges. It makes choosing mealsa little a whole lot scarier, but also there is freedom in it. If I am craving a different kind of fruit I can choose in the moment to have it without worrying about logging or where I am going to add or lose the calories somewhere else.
So by doing exchanges I am giving a lot of control of my food over to my team, as I should have been doing in the first place. Maybe I can one day trust myself enough to go back to calories but right now that would be like telling a kindergartener to do Advanced Calculus....it would just end in chaos. I am just too wrapped up in the numbers and confusion of what is "healthy" eating to make any decision. When I first logged in my new exchanges I was shocked by how low the calories were. At first I said, no no snacks. But then when my tummy was growling I realized I needed to eat more. That was another scary thing to do....to admit I needed something and fulfill the need. So I am still tracking and trying to hit a calorie minimum but I only get my freedom in snacks.
The whole snack choosing has shown me how much I actually like the structure of exchanges. Because as soon as I go to choose a snack I question each choice. Is this healthy? Should I pair it with a protein? Is that too high in sugar? Am I eating too many carbs? But with exchanges it's soeasy much more doable. When questions come I just say "My nutritionist told me to do this and that it was healthy. I am going to trust in her and her education and knowledge in the area I am lacking and just eat this exchange because I want it."
So wanted to leave you with a little illustration to show you how this is making me feel. It reminds me of riding my 1st ever roller coaster (I had a huge fear of them until I was 16 and rode my first one). This moment in my life is like climbing that first hill. There is excitement and fear. At moments the fear overwhelms and at other moments the excitement takes over. Either way its an emotional wait to get to the top. Then you get to the peak (pretty much every time I make a decision), you hold your breath for a breif second, hands shoot up, and you drop. That drop is so exhilirating, such a release, and the excitement takes over. Right now I am making the climb and every time I finish a meal it is like the exhiliration of the drop. Then at the end of the day, when the roller coaster pulls in to the station and it's time to unload I realize it really wasn't that bad and look for the next roller coaster to board. The next way to challenge myself. The next drop to experience.
Onto some changes in my life going on right now. Well, I'm back at college and seeing (well communicating through e-mail with an appt this week) my new old nutritionist. Basically I saw her last year and am seeing her again. She is amazing and I am super excited. In fact I got the
So through freaking out when I got the "Go to exchanges e-mail" I learned something. I realized the only reason I wanted to cling onto some form of calorie counting (which I will admit I am still doing "just to see") was for control. Being able to choose where my calories came from and not have anyone tell me what to eat gave me this twisted sense of control. Of course, I had no control. All of my decisions were based on numbers swirling around my head, choking me in their twisted cords. No decision was right. If it was low fat, it was too high sugar, not enough fiber, too much sodium, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't get it right. Now I have exchanges (at least for meals) and its hard because my mind says no that's too much fat, but I know it is okay to have because it is part of my exchanges. It makes choosing meals
So by doing exchanges I am giving a lot of control of my food over to my team, as I should have been doing in the first place. Maybe I can one day trust myself enough to go back to calories but right now that would be like telling a kindergartener to do Advanced Calculus....it would just end in chaos. I am just too wrapped up in the numbers and confusion of what is "healthy" eating to make any decision. When I first logged in my new exchanges I was shocked by how low the calories were. At first I said, no no snacks. But then when my tummy was growling I realized I needed to eat more. That was another scary thing to do....to admit I needed something and fulfill the need. So I am still tracking and trying to hit a calorie minimum but I only get my freedom in snacks.
The whole snack choosing has shown me how much I actually like the structure of exchanges. Because as soon as I go to choose a snack I question each choice. Is this healthy? Should I pair it with a protein? Is that too high in sugar? Am I eating too many carbs? But with exchanges it's so
So wanted to leave you with a little illustration to show you how this is making me feel. It reminds me of riding my 1st ever roller coaster (I had a huge fear of them until I was 16 and rode my first one). This moment in my life is like climbing that first hill. There is excitement and fear. At moments the fear overwhelms and at other moments the excitement takes over. Either way its an emotional wait to get to the top. Then you get to the peak (pretty much every time I make a decision), you hold your breath for a breif second, hands shoot up, and you drop. That drop is so exhilirating, such a release, and the excitement takes over. Right now I am making the climb and every time I finish a meal it is like the exhiliration of the drop. Then at the end of the day, when the roller coaster pulls in to the station and it's time to unload I realize it really wasn't that bad and look for the next roller coaster to board. The next way to challenge myself. The next drop to experience.
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