Studio Update

So school has been hectic so this won't be a full-on post just a brief update so you all can see that recovery is quite possible.
I made the switch over to exchanges and haven't logged calories in a week now. Honestly it has been the most liberating time ever. This past week has also been terrifying as my doc put the take-away school threat on me if I don't start gaining .5-1 lb per week. Luckily she took it away but it did lead to emergency meeting with nutritionist where she showed me where my meal plan is headed. It's scary but seems doable. Already have been able to increase starch, fat, and veggies.
Just left her appt and though she isn't increasing my meal plan she is adding structured risk. Basically she made me realize I am blessed to not be in inpatient, but mentally I have slipped a lot. A lot of foods that weren't so scary I am again terrified of. A lot of it is because I am having to trust exchanges, but its still not good. I also mentally due to my low weight need more structure to help my mind and body cope. So here is her idea of structured risk.
1. Since I had a pretty much mental breakdown over having to eat a turkey burger and when I did eat it I squeezed it to death to get out all the "grease" (in reality it was probably juice and water) and then fought for over 30 minutes on whether or not to leave some behind (went with not leaving any behind and got it all in), my nutritionist has made it part of my weekly plan. So I now have earned the lovely opportunity to have a turkey burger once a week. 

2. Second, because I decided to tell her how much I wish I was in the same place mentally as when I left Renfrew and was doing three desserts a week I have to do desserts now. She is fine if they are "safe" especially since a lot of desserts upset my stomach, but mentally I am so scared because I can no longer justify eating fro yo as okay even though in the spring semester it was my go to Boost equivalent because it was fat free and easy. Now every Wednesday I have to do fro yo as my Boost equivalent. I have to add something (graham cracker, banana, gummies, etc) to increase cals to Boost cals as well. 

3. Last, but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST this week she wants me to do a "real" dessert. For me this means one of the cookies or vegan desserts because my tum tum can handle those and I was semi-okay with that until she dropped this bomb on me. At first it was going to be able to count as Boost equivalent as long as I finished it all but NOT COUNT AS A FAT. If I only finished half it could count as a fat. This came from me telling her at Renfrew having 2 cookies, or a cake slice, or whatever was only a fat. No starch, not 2 fats, just 1 fat. We went back and forth on this for awhile with me trying to get a compromise or something. To take it slowly or something. Then I saw this strange look come across her face....like a crazy lightbulb went off and she said...."Let me start again. I have a new idea." This is her new idea: this week I have to do a regular dessert and not count it at all. Not as a fat, not as a Boost exchange, its just an extra "little" something for me to do. 

Number one had me anxious, number two had me shaking in my boots, and number three may just cause me to have a mental breakdown. But then I stopped and thought about it. If I manage to do all three goals (which I will because I am an overacheiving people-pleaser) and I don't balloon like my mind is telling me.....then imagine the trust of my body I will gain. Really...just stop and imagine. I will be free to not squeeze my burgers to death, I will be free to have fro yo and not think of sugar, and I will be free to have a little something extra when my body wants. So maybe my nutritionist knows what she is doing :)

All I know is this week is gonna push my trust, but I am going to turn it all prayerfully over to God. He has already allowed me to stop logging which I thought was impossible. He has allowed me the freedom in not pre-planning as much (for example today I didn't pre-plan b-fast or lunch and just not at 4pm planned snacks and dinner for today). He has allowed me to start distancing myself from thinking in terms of calories because I haven't been logging them. Now I choose what I want to eat not what I should eat calorically. He has allowed me to be open with my family again. He has allowed me victory and I declare in His name that this victory shall continue. I want to recover, and with God by my side nothing, not even an unrecorded vegan cupcake can hold me back.

Episode 16: Till Death Do Us Part

So it's been a while since I blogged and boy has a lot happened. The biggest thing is that a week ago (August 12th) my dear grandmother left this life for the next. I managed to fight through the emotions while at school and didn't act on my symptoms, but then it came time to face the reality and travel to the funeral. This happened on Thursday.
In my mind I knew that it would be hard for me to get all of my exchanges in with food that would be available. Most of the food would be from people who were trying to do something nice for the family....people who knew nothing about my food allergies. This is when ED came out as a coping tool for my grief. Instead of packing along snacks, or stopping at the store, or having some kind of plan I brought nothing except a few bagels I knew would go bad.
My ED gets so tricky. It packaged this perfect concoction to restrict inside nice recovery wrapping paper. It said that by not having food I would be forced to be "normal," to eat whatever was provided. Well, exactly what I knew would happen did. Everything people brought either had cheese or was a dessert. Couple this with the inability to go poo and I had no desire to eat whatsoever or to make people go out of their way to get me food.
Luckily, my stepmom and dad got me subs, yogurt, and nuts, but still I barely got any fat or calories. I began to feel weak again and this weakness helped me to feel numb. To forget the grief and sorrow and feel empty. The final night I spent there (Friday) I started journaling. Trying to grasp how I slipped so bad. It was in that moment my grandmother's death brought me new life.
I realized that by not eating my calories I knew I would lose more weight and I am at way to low a weight to do that. I realized that by continuing to act in my disorder I am slowly sending myself to the grave. I thought back on seeing my dad breakdown at the casket as he stared at the body of a woman who once had so much life. You could see his heart break. This happened again with my brother when he saw my grandma in the casket. Sure they made her look beautiful. Her hair was immaculate, her makeup spotless, her eyes closed as if she were just asleep. But as each of us looked at her we realized she wasn't sleeping and she was never waking up. That body would never again be filled with life. That is when our hearts broke. When that agonizing pain took over. And here I was, restricting. Refusing to feed my body. Here I was saying "Pick me. I will be the next in the casket. I will be the cause of the next breaking of my family's heart."
My grandmother had no choice in her death. She fought infections tooth and nail to survive. She never gave up and never lost hope. I have a choice to eat. To choose life. It's not an easy choice and many times it doesn't seem like an option but it is. It is the only way I will survive. And if it is my time to go, then at least I will go out fighting. I just can't be the cause of my families heartbreak.
I had another realization too. I realized all the people my grandmother impacted. The viewing for the funeral didn't start till 10 am and people were lining up at 9:45. She was an 89 year old woman who still packed out the church with people. It was so packed they ran out of programs. In fact, had her Sunday school class not been on retreat they would have run out of chairs too. When I saw the people flooding in I started to think who would attend my funeral. I realized in that moment that ED has kept me from my potential. He has kept me isolated and prevented me from having the energy to make an impact in the world. I don't even think I could fill a supply closet to capacity with the people (outside of family) that I have connected too. That broke my heart.
Then I was looking at her life. At all her accomplishments. These were shown by boards filled with pictures and memories. I again thought to myself: "If I were to die in this moment, what memories would people have to share? What would they say of me?" Honestly my life has been my ED. Spending so much time in treatment centers, doctor's offices, or stuck in the worries and sorrows of my mind has kept me from making memories. What would the preacher say? Would the same kind words shared about my grandma be shared about me? In all honesty: no. It would just be that I didn't overcome the lifelong battle I had to fight. That I was another statistic of anorexics who die from the disease. That I had so much life to live and it was taken from me. But I don't want that to be my reality, and in order to begin to live life, to cherish every moment like my grandmother, I have to recover.
I know this is getting long but there was one last realization. I realized that to make my grandmother proud, to make her legacy live on, to let her light continue to shine I must recover. I want to be more like my grandmother and share the lessons her life taught me. I want to be like she was where I never complain or speak a bad word about someone else. That I always look on the positive of things. This positivity is only seen in the rays of recovery. I want to be full of life, to have that light inside of me radiate out and brighten everyone around as my grandmother did. This light can only be unleashed through recovery. I want to live my life harnessing every moment and the possibilities it brings to help others. This is only possible with the energy of purpose brought by recovery. And I want to make my grandma proud. I want her to look down from heaven and smile at the accomplishments of her granddaughter. She wouldn't want me to restrict. To be tortured and tied down by the rulings of scales, nutrition labels, and food. She would want me to enjoy life. She would want me to find freedom with food. She would want me to recover. 
So even on the days when it seems like I can't I will push on for my dear Grandmother Ruth. I will allow myself to nourish my body not just with what it needs, but with what it wants as well. I will release myself from the burden of scales, measuring, and calories. I will eat based off of exchanges and give myself freedom to not measure everything. I will face my fear foods till I feel freedom to eat them. I will step on scales when at doctor's and a maximum of once weekly. I will make my grandmother proud. I will recover. 

Episode 15: Changes, Control, Coasters

So welcome to Inside the ED [Recovery] Studio. That's right....there's been a little change of management that led to a name change. Basically, I just don't want to wallow in my disorder anymore. Sure I will put some conversations up but I really want this blog to help people, including myself, recover. How can I do that if the whole focus (including the name) is ED. It would be like breaking up with a boyfriend, but keeping his pics in your room just for the heck of it. So welcome to the new studio :) It seems a little brighter in here don't you think.
Onto some changes in my life going on right now. Well, I'm back at college and seeing (well communicating through e-mail with an appt this week) my new old nutritionist. Basically I saw her last year and am seeing her again. She is amazing and I am super excited. In fact I got the stupid brilliant idea to ask her if it would be better for me to go to exchange based instead of calorie based eating plan. She was ecstatic I asked and guess who is moving to exchange based system. Yep, me. Of course this bring 5 bigillion fears especially since I am now eating 6 fat exchanges whereas before I was getting maybe one. It's nice though because its the plan I was on at Renfrew so there is some comfort there. I have been on it for 3 days now and even added some snacks of my own because I was hungry (I know, who would have thought I would listen to and respect my body, trust me it is only through prayer I have done it). It is actually quite exciting. It's almost like someone gave me "permission" to eat fats again. So I am enjoying eating peanut butter, olive, AND almonds all IN THE SAME DAY. I didn't even get those all in in the same week let alone in the same day.
So through freaking out when I got the "Go to exchanges e-mail" I learned something. I realized the only reason I wanted to cling onto some form of calorie counting (which I will admit I am still doing "just to see") was for control. Being able to choose where my calories came from and not have anyone tell me what to eat gave me this twisted sense of control. Of course, I had no control. All of my decisions were based on numbers swirling around my head, choking me in their twisted cords. No decision was right. If it was low fat, it was too high sugar, not enough fiber, too much sodium, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't get it right. Now I have exchanges (at least for meals) and its hard because my mind says no that's too much fat, but I know it is okay to have because it is part of my exchanges. It makes choosing meals a little a whole lot scarier, but also there is freedom in it. If I am craving a different kind of fruit I can choose in the moment to have it without worrying about logging or where I am going to add or lose the calories somewhere else.
So by doing exchanges I am giving a lot of control of my food over to my team, as I should have been doing in the first place. Maybe I can one day trust myself enough to go back to calories but right now that would be like telling a kindergartener to do Advanced Calculus....it would just end in chaos. I am just too wrapped up in the numbers and confusion of what is "healthy" eating to make any decision. When I first logged in my new exchanges I was shocked by how low the calories were. At first I said, no no snacks. But then when my tummy was growling I realized I needed to eat more. That was another scary thing to do....to admit I needed something and fulfill the need. So I am still tracking and trying to hit a calorie minimum but I only get my freedom in snacks.
The whole snack choosing has shown me how much I actually like the structure of exchanges. Because as soon as I go to choose a snack I question each choice. Is this healthy? Should I pair it with a protein? Is that too high in sugar? Am I eating too many carbs? But with exchanges it's so easy much more doable. When questions come I just say "My nutritionist told me to do this and that it was healthy. I am going to trust in her and her education and knowledge in the area I am lacking and just eat this exchange because I want it."
So wanted to leave you with a little illustration to show you how this is making me feel. It reminds me of riding my 1st ever roller coaster (I had a huge fear of them until I was 16 and rode my first one). This moment in my life is like climbing that first hill. There is excitement and fear. At moments the fear overwhelms and at other moments the excitement takes over. Either way its an emotional wait to get to the top. Then you get to the peak (pretty much every time I make a decision), you hold your breath for a breif second, hands shoot up, and you drop. That drop is so exhilirating, such a release, and the excitement takes over. Right now I am making the climb and every time I finish a meal it is like the exhiliration of the drop. Then at the end of the day, when the roller coaster pulls in to the station and it's time to unload I realize it really wasn't that bad and look for the next roller coaster to board. The next way to challenge myself. The next drop to experience.

Episode 14: ED is Poppin'

So thought I would post convo with ED since it is happening right now in my head. Update first: I am up to 2,500 calories starting yesterday and it freaks me out. I am going back to school. My school nutritionist is going to see me a week early. And I am still freaking out about ballooning. So tonight had a lovely event occur where I pre-weighed my corn on the cob to put into cal counter and it came out to be 300 calories. I knew this couldn't be right and finally realized it was measuring just the corn, not the cob. When I weighed the corn kernels only (cut them off cob) calories were closer to 100 something. So I logged it correctly and ate some to make up for and here is when ED freaked....

ED: What the hell are you doing? Why are
you forcing yourself to eat more than 2,500 calories?

Me: More? What do you mean. I just 

measured the corn kernels and logged it. 

ED: That one is wrong. The right one was how

you logged the ear of corn. It's definitely 300 calories.

Me: There is no way a half of a long ear of

corn is 300 calories. Somewhere you have 

to know that. It's a veggie for goodness

sake, it can't be that much. 

ED: That's what you think but what if you are wrong.

Then you are over by close to 200 calories. You really want

to do that? You didn't even work out today when you

had the chance (my mom asked me if I wanted to go to 

gym but let me stay home). 

Me: Ya going over would freak me out but

I didn't go over. I measured the kernels and logged

them and that's what I got. It's better to be over than

under anyway as hard as that is for me to believe.

ED: Why not just be safe though? You are already

eating way too many calories and see how full you are

(I was stuffed about now), that's definitely 300 cals

worth of corn. 

Me: I ate more than just corn and I ate fast which

is why I feel stuffed. It's fine. I am going to log it this way

and if my weight jumps up crazy overnight because of this

it will just be down after a normal day of eating.Yes,  I am 

anxious, but maybe this just means I should stop measuring. 

ED: No, you have to measure and make sure you

get right portions. 

Me: Then leave me alone about the damn corn!

So I am still really anxious, but I know in my heart I am doing what's right. My stomach doesn't think so and still plenty of eating to do tonight (mom decided to drag me around town without food so forced to eat a bunch late at night. Can't wait for school when I can control my schedule and eating). But I know this feeling, both fear and full, will pass and I will wake up fine tomorrow. So here I go....wish me luck. 

Episode 13: When your team is in the way

So weird thing happened today and thought I would share in case this craziness happens to anyone else ever. Basically I have been increasing cals but am still losing weight. It scares me so much because I'm almost to a weight I said I would never let myself get to and now I can't control the loss. I keep increasing, it keeps going. Scares me and also makes me trust my body more.
Anywho, my therapist noticed today and she weighed me and freaked out to say the least. So she called my nutritionist who has been out for a month due to an injury and, to make a long story short, they decided I needed to be checked in inpatient. Well, I know my truth that I am doing as I need to and so I had them call my mom. And guess what? She spoke the truth and let them know I didn't need treatment. Well, actually she let my therapist know and guess who my therapist didn't pass this onto? My nutritionist.
So when I e-mailed my nutritionist to ask her to please, please help me figure out something she basically responded that she was no longer going to help me and that I needed treatment. So I freaked out and cried yet again. Then I prayed and took a deep breath and realized something: my nutritionist presence (or lack thereof) was actually getting in my way of recovery. Here is what I mean.
One, she was injured and thus I couldn't ever meet with her. She wasn't respond to e-mail or phone calls and thus I wasn't getting the support I needed.
Second, any time I would think, "Hey I need to increase this or that" or "Maybe I shouldn't do this or that anymore" I would e-mail her first before changing anything, but she wouldn't respond. So I was almost waiting for approval knowing I wouldn't get it for a few days.
Third, even when I did see her she was very judgemental and just was making me feel like all food was just meant to make me gain weight. It was all about how I wasn't doing enough yet she wasn't listening when I told her I hadn't been honest about what I was doing. She just wanted me eating a bunch of calories but never explained why. I need someone who explains the reasons.
Well here is the good news. I have till the 13th to do this on my own, without needing approval, just support and then the best thing ever....I get to see my school nutritionist again. She is good for all the reasons the other was bad.
One, she is available to meet all the time, her office got moved to right across from the dorm I will live in. She also responds to e-mails almost instants M-Fri. Always with thought out responses not one or two words.
Second, she lies out my goals so concretely that I know what I need to be doing and when I don't I can e-mail her or really just go see her and it will be instant feedback. She is also very willing to do this because she knows I need it.
Third, she explains why I need to do what I do. This helps me see that it is for my health. She actually doesn't specialize in ED but is a health nutritionist or something like that. She basically works to help people eat healthier and she explained to me and made me realize that it's not just people who eat too much fat or cals or whatever that eat unhealthy, but also me who don't eat enough of that.
I love the school nutritionist because she seems to care about me as a person and pushes me not just with cals and gaining but also fear foods. We meet as long as we need and she is free. She just takes the time to make sure I know everything I need to do. And she helps me navigate the dining hall and portion sizes. She is about getting me healthy not fat, and though ED says its the same I know its not. I know this nutritionist wants me to eat healthy and thus will get me a healthy body. She is also spiritual which helps as well.
So perhaps this pain is for the better. This loss means gaining something so much more.

Episode 12: Finally I Cracked

So today was the one, the only, meal plan increase day. I am supposed to increase every 3-5 days till I get to 2500. Today my weight also happened to go up so of course ED freaked. I knew I shouldn't weigh, but alas I gave in and did it. But, my Father happened to make this a good thing because it showed me I am strong enough to get through. I didn't give in to ED's shouts and screams to restrict portions and finally tonight I cracked.
I realized I began using the food scale again and true it has been helpful and I have only added to portions, not taken away, but it just takes so much time. It would be so much easier to just measure things with cups and spoons and such (if they can be measured that way). Honestly, it just makes it harder for me to eat when I am thinking of the grams that I am eating. It won't be easy to eat with cups and spoons and such, but the scale has become a headache. I get so scared and I remeasure things 5 bigillion times just to check. It's like I am in disbelief that the packaging companies don't lie.
So I want to be "normal." Whatever normal is? I guess for me my immediate normal to aim for is to use cups and spoons not the food scale. To weigh once a week. To eat what my body wants without worrying about fat, sodium, sugar or any of that stuff. To feed my body more when it is hungry. To enjoy working out (this has begun to happen again). To listen to my team and other supports advice. To push myself to do fear foods more often. To worry about more in life than just food. To enjoy life AND food.
ED is freaking out already. He is shouting I will gain weight, I will be fat, no one will like me, blah, blah, blah. Well NEWS FLASH nobody is going to sit back and let me not gain weight. They are gonna ship me off to treatment before that happens or just keep increasing my meal plan. So I can give in and enjoy the journey, or I can be the annoying kicking, screaming kid being dragged through recovery by my ear. And if I choose the later I will just end up back in the predicament or die on my way to getting here. I choose to enjoy this process. I choose to cherish the tears, pain, and fear it brings, because then I won't want to go back. Then I will see how strong I am when I turn things over to God.
I know I can recover. The weight gain scares me, but if I get honest not recovering completely scares me more. Semi-recovering (aka still obsessively measuring, exercising, or weighing) scares me more because it will leave a door open to relapse and if I freaking gain this weight yet again (what is this the third time...hey at least its a charm) I want it to be the last time. And what scares me even more is dying. I can't come back from that. I can't say oops I made a mistake let me fix that. Nope, it will be the end.
So here's to recovery. Here's to enjoying the ride as much as is possible. Here's to my future. Here's to fully living. Here's to taking control from ED and giving it to God :)
So if you don't see conversations with ED don't worry, we are just venturing inside the recovery studio and I want to focus on the fears of recovery as I think not a lot of people know about that. Whose with me?

Episode 11: A Cold Day in ED's Hell

Well I managed to give ED (and myself) a heart attack with a decision I made yesterday. First let's start with the fact that I stepped on the scale and had gained 2 lbs in two days. Add to that the fact that I had decided to skip a day of weighing and ED went crazy.

ED: See this is what happens when you don't weigh
yourself. You balloon.

Me: No, this is what happens when you

don't poop for two days. Jumping on the scale

yesterday wouldn't have changed anything. 

ED: Would have actually because you could

have cut back yesterday to prevent such a drastic 

gain. Now you are going to have to only have one

thing to eat for the whole day. 

Me: Sure every fiber of my being wants to

not eat right now, but I need to. How 

else am I going to poo and how else am

I going to have energy today. My body needs

food. Plus, my parents aren't gonna let me not eat.

ED: Then you will just keep ballooning. 

You are a disgusting excuse for a human. 

Me: Yes, I feel disgusting right now and 

I am scared this will happen. But I am scared

more of dissapointing my family or 

dying or fainting. I can prevent those by eating. Plus

I don't even know for sure this is real weight and 

the only way to find out is stick to my plan. 

ED: That sounds like the stupidest idea ever and

the surest way to get fat.

Me: Well then I am stupid and fat, but I will

be happy and alive so  F*** off.

It took me 4 hours after the weigh-in to actually eat, but I did it. This torment continued for most of the day till I met with my new accountability partner. I was real honest with her and left so motivated I decided I needed to stop cutting back portions, but first I decided to see how bad it was and realized (through backtracking and relogging past days) that I had been skimping a significant number of calories. This freaked me out as I, prompted by ED, cut myself down about gaining on such a small amount. Then I shared my thoughts with some people and realized it was because I was shutting down my metabolism yet again by eating too little. So I went a little crazy researching and decided to increase my calories till I got to 2500 (this will be gradual). I was supposed to be doing that many anyway, but restricted when I lost my nutritionist, and always restricted portions. Well, increasing calories when you are gaining doesn't sit so well with ED. 

ED: What the fuck has come over you?

Do you want to become a fat ass? Do you

want to balloon?

Me: No, I want to repair my metabolism and

in order to do that I have to eat more. It's like

putting wood in a fire. If you don't put enough in 

the fire dies away, but if you put in enough and 

keep "feeding" it the fire will roar. Food is the wood 

and my metabolism is the fire. I don't want

to have to restrict the rest of my life. 

ED: Then you need to lose more weight because you

are going to gain a lot fast doing this. 

Me: I will do it gradually and will adjust if needed, 

but I can't lose anymore. I don't even know what

that would entail calorie and health-wise. I don't 

want to restrict and gain anymore eating too little.

It's time to start now. I am scared shitless to gain

but hey that's already happening anyway.

ED: You know how big you are going to be. Prob

gain 10 lbs a week and be fat by next week. 

Me: Well most of that will be water weight.

Sure the research showed significant gains, but

it was all water weight and only when people

did a drastic increase, but I am gonna do it

more gradual. And if it doesn't work 

then I can always go back to my old ways and 

lose the weight. 

ED: Nope it will be too late then. You will be

too fat. Why are you undoing all your hard work.

Me: Hard work is fighting you. Restricting had

become such a trap and way of life that it was easy.

So now I am doing the hard work and

now I am strong. Preety soon 

my metabolism will be as well. So peace out.

ED kept going the whole day but I am happy to report I have been increasing and getting right portions for the past two days and I actually have dropped some of the water weight so I am happy. I am scared, but I will keep fighting and as always will keep you posted. And don't worry....ED will be a frequent to the studio. I honestly thought hell would have to ice over before I would decide and want to not restrict portions and definitely before I increased when I was gaining. Well, I guess hell better get some jackets.